Nine years of my life I spent with him. I was faithful, I was dedicated and I always put him first. The last three years in upstate NY was hard on the both of us. I went up there to be with him with the hope of finding a job and contributing to out money and our future but ended up finding no work. I became stress. I stressed over the fact that he had to carry the burden alone. I always worried for him. All of my emotions over not being able to do my part somehow became the reason for why we were both "miserable" together. I thought that it was temporary because he had had many job offers in other states and I was overjoyed. Finally, I will be able to help build our future. So I thought.
Each time that we visited families in NJ we agreed that I could go and hang with them since I was always alone in NY. We were suppose to come back to NJ together this weekend, a week earlier than usual, so that I could make it to my New Year's celebration. Last week he sends me a text saying how he notice that I am always happier when I am in NJ with my friends and family and that as soon as I get back to NY I become quiet. I told him that we're both happier when we visit family in NJ because it's a familiar space and families are there. We talked about it when he got home. We both agreed that I will rent a car to come down on my own and stay an extra week and he will be down to pick me up the following weekend. We agreed that he will have a week to get a chance to miss me because he never had a chance to since I was always there with him.
He first texted me yesterday and told me that he wouldn't be down until the 29th, two weeks, because he said that he, "needed more time to think, clear my head, figure stuff out...it's just easier this way" I assumed that he needed to think about the job offers that he had gotten and figure out how WE were going to do things. I texted back saying that I understood and that I support him, that I knew how much stress he was under. He texted back asking why I was being so nice because he "I'm really not that good of a person" but I told him that I wasn't being nice just because and that he would do the same for me too if I had ask for some alone time.
Ten minutes later he called and ask to talk. We talked for almost four hours. He said that he doesn't want to deal with all of my emotions, that I always have problems after problems, first with not getting along with my parents, then my weights, now my depressions over not having a job. He just doesn't want to deal with me. He says that relationships are suppose to be easier and better, that two people in a relationship should have something in common. I guess we have nothing in common then. Opposite attacks but in our case it was his excuse to not want to deal with me.
He said that he knows that he has been horrible to me. That he is mean to me and that he doesn't treat me right. His excuse was that he loves me too much to keep doing this to me, to keep dragging me along and watch me be miserable. I ask him, "how do you know that we will be miserable once we've moved? Once we move I will get a job and I will be happy about being able to contribute." I have always wanted to contribute. I have never been selfish, never selfishly or carelessly spent our money. I was frugal and careful because I knew how hard he had to work. In turns those caring and thoughtful things made him think that I was miserable. He asked, "how will a job fix anything" something he always combat my statements with, " how will [X] and [Y] fix this and that" The only reason why I was "miserable" was because I wanted to work and help build us and once we move and I get a job then I could do that and I would be happy so yes moving with him would fix us.
He kept saying that he doesn't want to take that chance with me, that he was not willing to change for me, not willing to make the effort for me because he doesn't want me anymore. He said that things with us should have gotten better naturally and I told him that relationships don't magically get better just by wishing, "it's because you refused to try, you said that you didn't want to have to change for someone" I kept pleading with him to take the chance with me, that it wasn't fair for him to make the decision for me. I ask if I was worth taking the chance to be happy with but he kept insisting that he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore that he needs to be alone.
I asked why he was never willing to change for me, why he never made a effort, he replied, "Ijust didn't want to change for you." So it was me then, so I ask, "if I was someone else then you would have changed for that person?," he said, "maybe." So I wasn't worth making a effort for, I was the one that wasn't worth his trouble.
"Go be with your family" he said. He knew that I didn't get along with my parents, he knew that I couldn't move back home and for him to push me off onto them like that made me feel as if he really didn't care what happens to me. I ask him, "did you ever think about what would happen to me once you've kicked me out like a dog? Did you consider it, did you ever picture what would happen to me?" He said, "No" I told him that he had literally kicked me out into the street with nothing. I am left with nothing. Nine plus years down the drain and I have nothing to show for it. I never ask for anything so I don't have any material things. I HAVE NOTHING! My car was sold so I could be up there with him. I have nothing.
He doesn't want me anymore. He said that we are wrong for each other that we should have never lasted this long. The past three years had damaged our relationship. I told him that since he doesn't care what happens to me than just tell me, "I don't care about you and I don't love you." I kept asking him to say it because it would be the thing to cut us off. He wouldn't say it, he insisted that he couldn't because it wasn't true. I didn't care I just wanted him to say it. Since he was cold enough to leave me here in NJ and not care what happens to me then it had to be true. I ask him why we was breaking up with me over the phone in the middle of my visit, he said that it was easier that way because I would have people here to comfort me. How could he be so cold? He purposely sent me down here to leave me here. How could he just use me and throw me out like this? How could he show no emotions? How could he just turn off the switch so fast?
This past February we talked about our future. He said that we will be engaged by the end of the year and married in the next. And now he tells me that he doesn't want to take the chance with me. I ask how he could say those things and now this. He said, "I had a change of heart." I said that "change of heart" are small decisions like changing shoes but this is different. How could you love me one day and tell me that we were going to get married and then now tell me you don't want to be with me.
He kept insisting that relationships shouldn't be this hard. That it should have gotten better on its own and that it because we have nothing in common. He said all these things but he admitted that he never made an effort to better it, that that would be trying to make someone change. He said that he is what he is. He says, "I know that I am a bad person and there's a special place in hell for me." "Karma will get you first," I said
I don't understand it at all. We were not happy 24/7 but we were not broken. We were waiting to move. I was waiting to move. I knew that moving and me getting a job would make me happier and consequently make us happier since I wouldn't be stressed about it. He refused. He doesn't want to be with me. He kept insisting that I deserved someone better. That I deserved something nicer than he was, someone that will treat me well. I don't want anyone else. He insist that I will eventually find someone else. How could he say that, I don't care about someone else. I don't ever want to be with someone else, even if they were better. I want CK. I ask if he will find someone else and he said, "maybe, not right now" and that hurts because I don't want us with anyone else. I want us to make it work because he hasn't been trying. I haven't been trying because I have been waiting for him to say, "yes, you are the one that I will marry" and he did just say it in February.
He said that I should have seen this coming. No I didn't. I never saw it coming because he always insisted that we will always be together, he always said, "you know you're not going anywhere and I'm never leaving you." He always said that each time we fought so there was an understanding that no matter what that we would communicate it, work at it, and resolve it.
I asked how he could make such a decision for me, shouldn't I be able to say if I wanted to go where ever he moves to with him. He said that he cared too much to keep dragging me along. If he loved me then he could have waited until I had a job, He could have done me the favor of dragging me wherever he went, wait until I had a job and a footing to drop me. I ask why he couldn't just waited for me to get a footing first. How could he just kick me out at my lowest, in the midst of my stressing for him, worrying about him and being supportive. I made it easy on him because I didn't want to put pressure on him. No matter how caring I was he turned on around on me. He never really gave me reasons, just a bunch of excuses to why he didn't want to be with me.
He kept saying sorry and more sorry, that he didn't mean to hurt me. He always apologizes but never accepting a fault and changing it. What hurts the most is that he said, "I love you but I am not in love with you," He told me that that was why he hasn't touched me in weeks. I assumed that he was just stressed about the job offers and relocating and upset about me slacking off on my fitness.
I do deserve better but I don't want someone else to do it. I want him to do it. I want him to grow and learn from our mistakes. I want him to be the one. I can't stand the thought of him with someone else. He has literally left me with nothing. I have nothing. I am used up and he has broken me to pieces. He has completely broken me. I never saw it coming. I wasn't prepared financially or emotionally. He has broken ever bit of me. I told him that he had waited until I was down to stab me in the heart and that he is now watching me bleed to death. I am ruined! I gave him EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING! I said, "you should have just gotten a gun and shot me instead, that would have hurt less than what you are doing to me now." I am dying on the inside. I am so broken. "You have just murdered me." I said.
I am hurting more than I have ever been hurt by him in the past. Yes everyone moves on. Life goes on but I want our life to go on. He kept telling me to deal with it, thats it's my problem now. I don't know how he can be so cold to me now? "Deal with it, it's your problem."
I HAVE NOTHING. I HAVE NOTHING. I HAVE NOTHING!
It didn't matter how much I plead with him. He kept yelling and telling me that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He doesn't want to be in a relationship, that it's just too hard. He just suddenly decided that he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. So where does that leave me? Where? However he justified it in his head it still leaves me no where with nothing, homeless and without a heart. How can you decide something that you know will ruin someone else's life? How?
How can you do this to me? How can you break my heart and tell me to deal with it?
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