waking into a nighmare

The night before last night I had a dream that CK and I drove down to NJ to visit his parents, like we did every month. In the middle of the visit I remember that he got into the car and drove off. He had left me here without an explanation then later called to tell me that he didn't want me back. Like a stray dog that you didn't want any more. He just left me in the middle of no where like a dog. I have seen that happen to dogs before but who knew that he could treat me like that.

I cried so hard that I woke myself up. It was 4:06 in the morning and I was crying my eyes out. It was so vivid and so painful that it had been one of the few times that I actually remembered my dream.

I have become a stray dog.

I don't remember what I dream about last night but I remember seeing Chris in out bedroom in NY. He was getting dressed and I remember staring at him, watching him as I always do. I was always so in love with him. He was so beautiful to me. No one saw him the way that I did. No one looked at him the way that I did. I loved him. But "there's more to life than love." For him it was convenient. He didn't care for love. He wanted convenient. He wanted nothing but what CK wanted. He didn't care who be back stabbed or stepped on to get there. CK was all that mattered.

I cried myself to sleep. I wasn't sure what I was feeling, shocked, hurt, anger that I had loved him that much, angry that I had allowed myself to love him that much. I was angry that I wasn't selfish. I was angry that I didn't see it coming, I was too caught up in our plans and moving and getting engaged. I was caught up in his lies. Now he say "it's not our plan, it was my plan" but why was I included in every aspect of it, the finding a job, the restaurants we would eat at, Philips Seafood House. Why was I included in the plans if I wasn't part of it? Why was I driving down to Baltimore previously for job interviews, why? if I was never part of the plan. I was "dragged into it" he now says. That's all that I was? Something you drag along and once he decided that he didn't want a relationship anymore, just like that? he threw me out like an old dog.