I sobbed into my napkins. A pile of it had collected in the bed next to me. She stared down over me asking, "What's wrong. Is someone sick?" I nodded no. "Is it CK?" I nodded yes and she ask, "Is something wrong with CK, I nodded no again. I finally slowed my crying enough to word out, "CK called me yesterday and told me not to come back to NY to be with him." She ask, "What do you mean don't come back?" I told her that CK wanted to break up with me, that he just didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore. I tried to explain my confusion to his excuses. I told her that he said he didn't want to deal with my problems and my emotions. She agreed that every relationship has problems but that CK is always black and white. There are no gray lines with him.
The more I explained the break up to her the more I became confused and so was she. She ask whether we had had problems but it wasn't anything drastic, just problems that any couple would have. CK used the excused of my past, bad, relationship with my parents but we had both gotten over that. It was the past so why bring it up as if it was something that was still an issue. He has an issue about me being sad but we both knew and understood why I was sad because I wanted to help carry the burden and I am not the selfish type to overlook a significant other's stress and stressors. I just never quite knew the right things to say because I couldn't completely understand since I wasn't working, I didn't know exactly what he had to deal with at work, mentally and physically.
Every couple has problems but I don't understand how he could just say that he had a "change of heart." I just don't understand. I just can't. I think and I think and try to analyze what could have caused him to just kick me out of our home but I can't see it. He talks and complain as if it was so horrible. I ask " are our problems that bad because there are people with worst, like cheating and baby mama dramas. Would you have preferred that instead, people got over that type of things so how can you exaggerate ours so much. I know that we have been unhappy in NY but we were happy too."
His mom ask if there had been changes within the last month or so to break the relationship and I told her no because there hadn't been anything drastically different. We started to get distant because the three years in the middle of nowhere and nothing to do got to us but I honestly know that it wasn't a problem that cause from within us. So much outside causes that we allowed to affect us and the relationship. He told me that he was losing attraction to me because I was slacking at the gym but we loved one another. Those weren't relationship breaker, those were inconveniences because I started pushing myself at the gym again. I was losing weight and toning, we both saw that. We were happy. I had a reason to be happy again. Losing weight and moving. We were getting ready to move, so from what I saw things were actually starting to get better. The only difference was that he went out more and I knew he enjoyed hanging out with the guys. I told his mom that he "wanted to be single so that he could hang out, go out and meet people." I never stopped him, I had always encouraged that but I guess he didn't want the responsibility and the guilt of letting himself go while there was a girlfriend waiting at home. He was being selfish. I always wanted him to have friends so how could be use me having more friends as an excuse to break up?
I don't understand. Yes were had started to get distant but we both knew why. We were waiting to move. We started talking about jobs that were available for me in Texas if we moved there. We were excited. I was excited. I knew how stressed he was about the three job interviews that he had had and I tried to be there without nagging at it, no pressure. No pushing to pick one over the other, it was up to him and I would be there.
I can't stop loving him just because he decided to be selfish. I can't. I can't turn off my switch that quickly. I don't understand how he could have a "change of heart" but still tell me that he cares. I just don't understand how he could flip things over so quick and use things that we overcame in the past as excuses to break up. We had gotten over bumps like any successful couple. Every relationship has family problems, thats just the way it is. His mom has family in Jamaica that she deals with and his dad understands that and vice versa. He complains that he has no one, that when I am in NJ I have my friends and family but all that he has is his mom but that isn't my fault I was the one always encouraging him to make friends and keep in touch with old friends. I was the one always telling him to pick up phone calls from his childhood friends. I was always encouraging him but not he uses the quantity of my friends to dump me. How could he use that as a reason to break up. How is it that I stopped him from having friends. What can't we acquire what we lack while together? How do I stop him from having friends? I don't get it. Once we both work we would have our own friends and I would be happy, we would be happy that we have accomplished our individual identity outside of the home and friendships.
I don't understand how the trials and tribulations that we overcame are now his excuses to kick me out. How can he tell me that he loves me and kick me out like this. I've always known that he was strong headed and how mathematic his thought process are. If A+B doesn't =C then it just isn't there for him. Relationships and love isn't that mathematical. Love isn't black and white but he lacks that understanding. His mom explained that to him but she can't push it, she can't take sides. I don't want her to either but I feel like CK needs a mediator, we need a mediator, someone with experience like his parents to explain what is and how things are. CK has such little understanding of how to be with a person, how to love a person.
He broke my heart and told me to just "deal with it."What happened to the person that I loved so much? How did he get so cold so fast? "He is cold like his father" his mother said. I just don't get it. If he loved me then he wouldn't do this to me. I just don't get it. The more I analyze our relationship the more confused I get. How could I have seen it coming if he always told me that we were always going to be together. He was always there for me and I was always there for him, I forgave him for all the heartbreaks he caused me, I would never leave him. That was us. We were always going to be together. What happened to that person, all that mattered was us being together. We made plans, we were going to get engaged this year. We were going to get married. We were going to move together. What happened? Oh dear God I really don't get it.
Nine plus years and he had a "change of heart," I am so confused. I really don't get it. I never saw this coming. Never. I don't understand. I can't. I just can't. I am confused. The last three years in NY weren't great. I was sad and we both understood why. I was sad because I loved him too much to see him carrying all the burden. We moved up there so that we would both work and start our savings while he gained experience in the company and move out for more pay. Being there was only temporary, we both knew that, we agreed on that but now, all of a sudden he uses my emotions as an excuse, the emotions that I carried only because I cared about him, because I worried about him. It's as if I do all that I do and love him just for him to say that I shouldn't have done it. I loved him too much to be selfless but in return he tells me that I was miserable and that's why he can't be with me. I wasn't miserable, I was worried about him, I felt bad that he was the only one working. I just wanted to be an equal and now he kicked me out of our home just because I wasn't perfect. Just because his mathematic didn't figure out.
I don't get it. How could he dump me, yelling and screaming at me over the phone as I plead with him. How could he just tell me that he just doesn't want me anymore. How? That he is tired of my emotions. He doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. It's "too hard" for him he says. That he has too much to worry about to worry about me too, that he has his own problem. I was never a bother. I always made it easy for him.
His mom called him five times last night before he picked up. She said that he sounded stressed and that worried me. I always worry about him. She said that he was stressing over the job offer in Baltimore and whether to accept because he was waiting for his first choice, his company, in Texas to make an offer. He doesn't really want to take the Baltimore one but he has to give them an answer before they retract it. I always understood that these kinds of things stressed him out, he always had toot much to deal with, work wise, and I always stayed quiet to let him think. I was always accommodating because that's what a person do for the one they love, especially when he was the one carrying the burden for us. I had to be silent for him, no pressure. I told him that I would go anywhere with him as long as we were together, I would work and it would be a new place for us to start our future, anywhere was fine with me. All of these plans and now he doesn't want me anymore.
His mom tried to ask about the break up but he told her to leave it alone. He did tell me yesterday that he needed to start doing things for himself anyways. OK but how did I ever stop him from doing them. So many excuses, so many and not one good explanation to why he had to break up with me, not one. We had an understanding, we would always be together, he said that we would be, no matter what. What happened to "no matter what"? What happen? If my emotions ever effected us before it was never like his, his emotions caused him to completely forgot that he loved me, that he told me that he will always be with me. He left me here with nothing, no one and homeless. I have nothing. Everything I had was with him. We were building a life together. What happened to "no matter what," what happened to I was "the one", what happened to I "was the best woman for him?"
I have nothing left. I have nothing. He was my everything. Yes people always fall in love again but you never want to let go of the one you love most. Any other person would be second choice. I am not the type of person to give myself to multiple men. If I can't be with him then I won't be with anyone, I don't want a second choice even if that second was perfect in every way. I don't want perfect. I don't. I just want my life back. I want CK back. I son't want perfect. I just want my life back. How was I so good to end up being so used and so hurt. I am so ashamed for putting so much of myself out for him to break? I was so good to him, I was so accommodating, so loving. I loved him too much. We had an understanding. "You're not going anywhere, you know I'm never leaving you" thats what he always said, that was the understanding. That was us. How did things change so much? How did he go from wanting us to be engaged by the end of the year to telling me that he had "a change of heart" and that I deserved someone better. I don't want someone better. I want him. I never tried to change him, he was the one that said he shouldn't have to change for someone but then ask why the relationship didn't just get better on its own. It's because he wasn't willing to make the changes in himself to import and resolve, that's why. He never made an effort to but then blame it as a whole.
He wasn't perfect and I wasn't perfect. I don't want perfect. I just want my life back. I just want my CK back. But he is a rock. He doesn't want me anymore and only because he made up his mind that he didn't. Simple as that. Once he made his mind, right or wrong, that is it. It doesn't matter to him what happens to me. He has turned his back on me. Simple as that. He can just leave me here and let me die at the snap of his finger. He is tired of me. There is nothing that anyone can say or do to make him see reality, that his check list of a relationship is black and white. No one can talk senses into him. I was never able to. He is hard as a rock and he will always be cold. But, I have been with him for nine plus years and he has a good heart, he is a good person. The friends that he does have loves him, everyone flocks to him. He is charming and extremely handsome. he is intelligent and cunning. He can figure out math problems faster than a calculator. He has so many good qualities but he is still mathematical. Relationships are too hard for him because it can't be computed like a math problem.
None of our good qualities and what worked with us matters now. He doesn't want it anymore. He wants to be single. he wasn't to hang out and meet people. He threw me out like a rag doll. Used up and no longer intrigues him. I am broken. I am nothing now. I always told him that I loved him more than he loved me and now I see how true it is. I never knew how cold he really was. I never knew he would be capable of such hurtful words. I never saw that in him. I guess when you love someone so deeply you always see the good in them. He was good to me. He was there for me. He said many years ago, when we were still in school, that I had to take care of myself and not stress over my bad relationship with my family because if something ever happened to me then where would that leave him, he didn't want to lose me. What happened? Everything that happened in our relationship always ended with the same statement, that we would always be together. What happen? I never saw it coming.
He had a nightmare once that I had dies during childbirth and that I left him alone in this world taking care of our infant daughter. he told me how it had affected him and it made me cry. Never have I had an indication that this relationship would end. We compromised with family, that he didn't have to go to the functions if he didn't want to. That family situation was resolved and it didn't both either one of us. How could I have seen it coming. I just don't understand. I am so confused. So confused. The last three years weren't our best but we were great together. He grabs onto the most obvious and most convenient excuses to break up. Hoe can he say that we have nothing in common when we don't even know what that mean. It was the most obvious and general thing for him to say. I never saw it coming.
I don't want anyone else. He has all of me. I won't give myself to anyone else. I can't. I am not that easy. I don't want perfect. I don't I don't I just want my life back. I want CK and Kera back. That's all I care about. I don't care about anyone or anything else. We made it through so much together for him to use those accomplishments as excuse to beak up. How does that make sense. Overcoming trials and tribulations in a relationship make it stronger but he just suddenly decided to use that against us.
I just want my life back. It wasn't perfect. I don't want perfect. I loved my life because I had CK.
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