Why am I crying when he is at our apartment celebrating his freedom. Why do I miss him when all that he can think about is getting rid of me.
All I want right now is to stop hurting. I don't want to hurt this badly. I just want this pain to stop. I want the swelling in my eyes to go away. I want it all to stop. I am fucken tired of hurting this bad. Never though that a broken heart hurt this bad. I never imagined it was like this. I didn't believe that I ever had to imagine it. He assure that I wouldn't.
I was able to hold my tears back all day yesterday but it caught up with me today. I wore my sunglasses out when I went walking so that no one could see my eyes or see when I teared up. I have been crying on and off since noon. I walked for four hours. I kept my composure when I came back to the house because CK's dad was working in the yard, refilling topsoils. He gave me a hug when he saw me but he didn't say anything. He didn't have to.
I sent out four job application by the time dinner was ready. I desperately want a job. I always wanted a job, especially when I was with CK. I wanted to contribute. I am being punished for my depression. It doesn't matter to him. He would have brushed it off any way if he realized that I had depression. I wasn't miserable, wasn't starting to not care about myself or "stop living" like he assumed. I was depressed. Simple as that. An illness. He doesn't care either way. I was an inconvenient to him. That was all that I was. He seem to never know what to do when I am sad, hurt, bruised or any regular topical discomfort. He just doesn't seem to know how to react to the human condition. If I had a cut he wouldn't even know to get a bandage. When I am aching he wouldn't even know that he should ask if I wanted BenGay. He never seem to know how to show concerns. He wasn't ignorant of it but he never had to deal with another person before but he never did learn either because I never pushed it. I understood his 'single child syndrome' and it wasn't his fault. I don't tell him what to say or what to do, I naturally do it myself and he either picks up on it or he doesn't. I never force him to do or understand my view. I just keep adamant about it just so he knows that it's important to me. What I felt was important to me never mattered to him. He choose not to care when it doesn't concern his directly. I was alright with that too because he already had enough burden with being the bread winner. I should have been more selfish. "You are too selfless" he always says.
So how will he ever realize his faults if no one show it to him. No witnessing of other couple's situations to reference from or learn from. I am making excuses for him but he really doesn't realize that the way he has allowed us to fail was wrong. How will he realize that you actually have to make efforts for a relationship to work. I accept that I didn't do enough either, I was just too accommodating. I was depressed. I had an illness, but he just choose to let us fail. He choose to wish on some make belief fairy rather than working it out with me. He said that he realized we were falling apart a year ago....one year ago....and did nothing.....he choose to do nothing...nothing. If he wanted it then he would have worked it out with me but no, "I guess I never really wanted it to work" he said. So how else am I to conclude our entire relationship? That I was the only one truly in love? Was I the only one that wanted us to last. Even if it was true that I didn't do enough, I wanted us to last, with that intention that that passion for us I would have gone to the moon and back to make it better, if only we agreed on it. I would have done anything to make it better. Every couple works on improvements, on improving themselves and the relationship when it is agreed upon. But, he choose to watch it fail.
Yes I had stop making myself prettier, he was right to assume that I had stop caring about the way I looked but who knew that there was a limit. I would have done anything to improve that if we actually sat down and communicate how important it was, that it was a make or break. But no, we never did, he never did that. He choose to let it fail. I let it fail because I did become "comfortable" but we never had an understand that it was a make or break. He kept telling me that he would never leave me, that he would never let me leave him, that we would always be together so there were room and time to make improvements if it was agreed upon. That was the understanding. We never communicated that it had to change or else. He never did that a year ago. He choose to let it fail because he wanted it to, just to use that as his main reason to break up, it was valid but he caused it. He sabotaged us. He choose to sabotage us.
"I want to be happy" He said, I guess he is happy now with his handy work. He must be celebrating now knowing that he had the power, the actual ability to ruin someone else's life. He must feel so high right now knowing that someone loved him so much and too much that he was able to stab them in the heart without them seeing it coming. He must be basking in his glory.
I accept my faults, that it went bad because I didn't do enough, all that he said about me was true, not on purpose. It was fair for him to assume what he did but if only I was able to talk to him a year ago. If only he had spoken to me. If only I knew he had a limit to us, I didn't know that he had a secret plan in his head that if the relationship didn't become X and Y that he would just break up. He never shared that plan with me. He never told me that it had to be X and Y or that was final. He never did that. I would have done anything if I knew that it was a make r break. I wanted us that bad. I would have done it if I knew that it would improve us dramatically. He never spoke to me. Daily complains are usually just that, you either get mad when the person doesn't act upon it or you get over it, complains are complains but he never told me that it was a make or break.
I never saw it coming. I never saw him turn cold. I never knew he could murder me.
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