I woke up just fine this morning. I didn't sleep until about 5 am, was looking for jobs and applying. Woke up and resumed it. I went downstairs, had breakfast and talked to CK's mom and as always the conversation turned into about him again. That's how it was with us. He was our world. We talked normally and she told me of his great new life, great high rise apartment in a happening town, how he walked to the supermarket, to the mall in his uppity environment. I am happy for him. I wanted so much to tell her what he was up to in his privet life, how he betrayed my trust, how he is is now with someone after he said he wouldn't. He said that it was our chance to be independent and that he wasn't going to get into a relationship. He's a man, that's to be expected but the fact that he is dating now confirms how little I meant to him that he was able to move on so quick. Two months was all it took for him to erase me.

I came up to the attic and I tarted balling. I cried like I did right after the break up. Why am I crying? I am fucking tired of this feeling. It's been a constant roller coaster. One day I feel fine, feeling like everything is going to be OK and the next I feel the pain all over. The worst part isn't that he broke my heart and abandoned me but the fact that I am nothing to him now. How fast he got over me. It's so unfair. How could he be so heartless after I have loved him completely for so long. Nine plus years. I was so good to him. So faithful. I did everything for him, everything. Sacrificed my friends and family, everything that I had for him, to be with him. I have been so betrayed and so abandoned by the one person that I made my all.

It's so unfair. So unfair that I am left here all alone, crying to no one. I am angry. I am still bitter. I am so angry.

Last night was the first time that i had spoken to CK's mom in a week. "Do you think you guys will get back together?" she ask. "I don't know" I told her. I said that it was up to Chris but either way I still have to get my life together. She agreed that I could stay here until I get a job because it wouldn't be fair to send me back home with nothing. She said that the situation is awkward because she initially thought that CK and I was just on a separation but I told her that this isn't like before. She said that it is weird to have me here but me not be with CK. It's a new feeling for us both. I am still here but CK isn't with me. I think that he really has had a change of heart. I didn't tell her about his relationship status on FB, it said that he was in a relationship and his ex Anneka that he had talked to behind my back a few times in the past two years 'Like' the status change, why else would she do that unless they were talking now.

She started talking about the wedding, she pictured a stretch limo, white dress, Jamaican wedding and little tiger Woods running around. "I was just telling you not long ago that you had to wear a white dress." She said, and I remember that conversation. What happened? CK and I talked about an engagement, a wedding and now this. I told her that I feel he's stringing me along by telling me that, "I'm not saying we're not going to get back together." I don't even know if I want to get back with him. Not after all that he has done to me. Even his mom said that she doesn't even know the person that he has turned into. "He is arrogant" she says. He doesn't have a heart, no family moral. We were a family. I can't take him back after this. He has to go through ever measures to prove to me that he deserves me if he wants us back.

I doubt that he will because he disconnects faster than the speed of light. Always so cold, so dismissive. I am happy for him now. He is successful but that is all there is to him, an empty shell but whatever makes him happy. That's strange for me to say but I care about him and I want him to be happy. If he was miserable with me than I would rather see him happy without me, even if he was with someone else. He always talked about Karma and if he is with one of his exes Anneka then maybe they deserve one another. She cheated on him, he cheated on me and I was the one to pay for everything. Maybe I will get my good Karma soon because I was always the good one. Nice guys finish last but we always do get the last laugh.

Today CK un-friend me. I am shocked but its expected. I don't care at all. I am too hurt, too betrayed to care right now. I thought that I would be hurt but I am not. I am too bitter to be hurt. I really do deserve better but my problem was that I loved him too much. I have to learn how to love myself now, put me first. Something that I never had a chance to do but now is the time. I love myself and I am damn sexy now that I have just me to focus on.

He had deleted me

11:18 PM me: are u there?

11:19 PM Chris: Yea

me: did u talk to ur mom today?

Chris: No.

No.

11:20 PM me: did u read my email today?

Chris: Some of it.

me: why just some? i guess u will never like me

11:21 PM but honestly do u ready all of any of my email?

11:22 PM anyway, it doesn't matter. Am I bothering you?

11:23 PM Chris: I'm heading to bed now.

11:24 PM me: ok, i take that as as 'yes' i had something important to talk to u about but u have already deleted me

11:25 PM Chris: What is it?

me: im not sure but i think that ure mom is feeling uncortable about the fact that ppl know

11:26 PM like she ask me last night if i talked to my parents, i said yes

ure mom thinks that ppl will bad mouth u and do that whole "i told u so" thing

11:27 PM the thing is I was the one that ask her if i could stay here, not u

idk if that would have made her feel any fid

dif'

11:28 PM Chris: What people?. Why would they bad month me?

me: last night she said "i was ok with this before but i don't think i'm comfortable with this now"

exactly

what ppl, but she doesn't know that

i didnt get to explain

no one knows us or about us, they have never met u

11:29 PM but she thinks that people will say bad things about u, but no one really cares

it's always been just us, no one was involved, but she doesn't know that we were that isolated

11:30 PM Chris: I don't think its that.

11:31 PM me: no one can possibly bad mouth u because no ne knows u, they've never met u, some ppl knew that i had a bf but knows nothing more but ur mom is getting uncomfortable cus she probably thinks that ppl they will say bad things about me living here

well she didn't talk to me today

lats night before she left the attic she said, "we'll see in a few weeks" and then she didn't talk to me all day

Chris: I just think she was thinking you would move back home once you were able to tell your parents what happen.

11:32 PM me: i alrady told her when we first broke up that that wasn't an optioon

she even said that i could stay as long as I nedded to til i got a job

she said that she understood that i couldnt move back home

11:33 PM its not an option to move back home, i don't think that u would evern move back either

Chris: She doesn't understand why that is.

11:34 PM me: i have always spoken to her about how i dont have a relationship with my family

i dont know, it's freaking me out

with my parents'

11:35 PM my parents didnt even say anything whe i told them, not like they were ever a part of us to say anything at all

11:36 PM what i wanted t ask u was that if she brings it up I need u to say something

Chris: Yea I just hope for all of us you get a job soon.

me: i know

i applied for 11 jobs today

and no less than 7 every day

11:37 PM i don't want to be here either

the whole break up was to be independant and that can't happen if i dont have a bed to sleep in while i look for that

well just ensure her the obvious

11:38 PM no one cares about us

Chris: Yea I will see what I can do. But I don't live there

11:39 PM me: no one knows about us, never met u, so no one can even say anything at all. I just need u to ensure her of that because i need to be here while i look for a job

Chris: I will see what I can do. I'm going to bed.

me: i know u don't live here, thats not the point. I just need u help her see that if she does think that already

11:40 PM ok night

did u ask her if i could stay here or u didnt mention it at all?

Chris: Ok.

11:41 PM me: :( i just wonder if it she would have been more open to it if u had asked

11:42 PM Chris: If you hadn't when and tell her everything I would have told her something but you just had to go run off your month to her

me: i know that u don't care about me but if you really want me to be independent i need ur help until i get a job, i really need a place to stay until then

11:43 PM i didnt run my mouth to her, she ask. I didnt have anyone and u don't have to make it all my fault all over again, not like i was the one that broke us

Chris: Ok night.

11:44 PM me: i honestly didnt try to run my mouth, i was crying and she kept askin, wat was i to do or say11:49 PM.me: forgot to tell u, don't bring it up, only talk to her about it if she bring it up. I dont want her to think that I ask u to do it. I am really hanging off of a sting. Yes yes I know that you don't give a shit if I live or die but it's my life too and I want to make it. I just need a bed right now

Email to CK 6/8/2011

I have been healing but then last night I had a dream about us. In it we finally had that break up conversation that we never had, on why we should and should not be together, what happened and what we did to resolve X and Y and how the the efforts didn't work and etc. Of course it was a dream and we were never adults enough to do all those things. You simply threw me out, period. Because you had to continue your birthright of being selfish.

Now and then I'd have a flashback of how you were, maybe my mind is trying to tell me that this is best for me. How temperamental you are, how hard it was to live with a grown five year old. Gosh it was so much work just planning one meal for you, crossing things out and adding things on and by the time I found a recipe that you'd like I was mentally exhausted. I was responsible for everything in the relationship. You forced everything on me. You worked and that was it. I was responsible for the sex drive, for keeping everything happy, for entertainments, for everything. You took responsibility for nothing but yourself. You don't know what it means to be there for someone. I take responsibility for the fact that I didn't always know the right thing to say to you either but at least I know what I did wrong. You see nothing wrong with anything that you did because you are Chris."Chris is selfish and he knows it." That's sad.

It's sad that I have to see you the way you really are after so many years of you being the only person in my heart. i wish that I had known you were like this from the beginning.I guess I did see it but things had changed. You hadn't bailed out on us since we got back together in 2006. I am hanging onto a string now. I sacrificed everything in my life for us. You are too cold and too self centered to see that people do make sacrifices when they love someone. You tell me, "oh no one forced you to be in the relationship" of course not, it was love.No one forced me to be in love, I just was. People fall in love and they make sacrifices for one another. What did you ever sacrifice for me? for us? What efforts did you make to make us happy? You made it all my responsibility when this was suppose to be an 'us' thing. Where was your responsibility in all of this? What did you do to make us work? Nothing, you admitted that you did nothing, you watched it fail because it was work to lift a finger, to make a thought.

I finally told my parents. Of course they have nothing to say, they were never a part of my life. I told them that we both choose to be independent and that's that. I don't think that you mom is comfortable with the fact that people on my side knows, she's afraid that they will bad mouth you but people never knew anything about us. They don't even know you, a few only met you once. I understand why she would hate that but I have never bad mouth you to anyone in my life, so no one ever has anything to say. They simply accept my explanation that WE chose to be independent. That's what's different between us also. You use to bad mouth me to your friends, there were no respect for me. It's no one's business if you were X or Y. My one close friend, Sarong, knows that you're picky with food but nothing bad about you. I never knew how to talk shit about you the way that you did behind my back. That's sad. How sad is it that I was always so righteous. People now know that 'Chris and Kera' broke up but no one knows the details, I refuse to tell anyone any of it even though I wanted to. No one to takes my side because they just don't know. Lucky you, you will always have your mom. I have me, my humiliation and pity.

You mom ask me last night what my mom said about me staying here and I told her the truth, that my parents didn't say anything, they were never a part of this to begin with. My mom ask where I was going to stay and I said, "on Melrose" that was that. But I don't think that you mom is comfortable with the idea anymore. I don't blame her. You threw me out so why wouldn't she do the same? No one knows you, they don't know us, no one care either way. I wish that I could tell someone what you did, how you used me and how you had always bailed out and how I always took you back. I need someone to take my side and ironically I have only been able to talk about it with old ass strangers at the hospital and the school, it's easy because they don't know us and there's no judgement, just general advices. Tell me how do you do it? You seem to be a pro at breaking hearts and using people, how do I lure someone into liking me so that I can use them? Then how do you make it a "I wanna do me" thing when I am through using them? You have done it to be about four times, I never paid attention to how you did it so tell me. I really want to learn from the pro. There were no efforts on your part but I ended up punished for your "I just want to do me" shit. It's so easy for you when you only think of yourself. If the world had ended I bet you would push me off a cliff for the last piece of cracker. That's just you and I see that now.

You know I never knew how beautiful I was with you? I guess I was so in love that I wanted to hear it from you and only you. Your words always affected me and it's silly to balance your own self image with what someone else thinks about you but it was important to me how you felt about me and how you saw me. I would tell you all the time how handsome you were to me, you were my everything and I wanted to compliment you all the time because I wanted the same from you. You looked the same to me everyday but that wasn't the point, it's keeping us alive, vibrant, keep us on our toes and reminding us to keep up the efforts on making ourselves attractive for one another. We didn't have to turn into two forty year olds. You got what you asked for. You chose to do nothing. Since the break up I have been healing and I have been asked out every other day. I can't even believe it, it's such an odd feeling to me. I guess it is true that I was soo busy being responsible for us that I forgot about myself, I forgot what it's like to be wanted. I have been invited to dinners and charity dinners by doctors and surgeons and I should have been flattered but in the back of my mind I felt that we missed on on me. You missed out on me. I turned them down, I wasn't impressed and I honestly don't know why. I tried to itemize who they were and what they had, Porsche and big fancy cars, but I wasn't impressed. All of the compliments that I get now I know would sound so much better coming from you but you don't have the heart to put me first to actually do that, so I know that it's just wishful thinking. Subconsciously I still wish that you would grow up and stop being so selfish but you are Chris.

Women usually have multiple men, and I know you have known a few, and they know how to get what they want from those men. I know how to get men with my looks and all I need are some empty words to get material things from them, but that's not me. I am a one man's woman and he threw me out. The sad thing is that I can't do that. I am not like you. It's dirty and it's disgusting. I don't want anyone to touch me, no matter how attractive he is. You were the only person that I wanted to touch. Your hands were the only hands I was comfortable with on me. Men in general makes me icky, germy. I have put my lips on every inches of you body and I don't think that I have the stomach to do that with anyone else. As weird as it is, you know how I don't even touch public surfaces and touching people are worst. I'd have to carry bottles and bottles of hand sanitizers just to say 'hello' back to them. I now see that a man has to deserve me and maybe you don't deserve me. I was too good for you, too good because you turned out to be such a cold person, no moral, no remorse, no shame, no heart. In life you don't always get what you want, you get what you need. I was probably what you needed to gain some sort of humanity, maybe a fraction of my kindness and selflessness rubbed off on you. Maybe you needed me for that aspect of being good, and being human. I can't imagine you being any colder. I guess I needed you to be the one to break my heart. Life needed to take the one person that I love most to betray me, to show me that this world was full of jerks and assholes like you. I don't think that the lesson would have been the same if it had came from someone that I didn't love. It had to be you, you had to be the one to use me and throw me out for me to see it. The main lesson with you isn't that this world is full of jerks and assholes but to never love too much. See where it got me? Sacrificing everything for love gets you thrown out penniless and homeless. I always use to say that in every relationship one loves more than the other and it's true with us. I loved you more and you, narcissistic, loved yourself. "Men don't want to commit because they just want to play." I don't have the luxury of playing and whoring because my body is off limit to anyone that I don't love. Putting you first gave you an excuse to neglect me, we both neglected me. The irony. To have sacrificed everything only to lose everything in return. I don't regret loving you because that's what I do best. I don't regret the past nine years at all. I just feel used and humiliated that I allowed someone that I loved to use me. I loved you soo much that it was easy for you.

I want, so bad, to tell people how horrible you were to me, I want someone to say something comforting, I need someone to agree with me and take my side but I just can't do that. I couldn't tell Sarong, my teacher Ms. Smith or my family, I just couldn't open up on the details. No matter how horrible you were, I am the only one that deserves to think bad about you. Subconsciously I still defend you if anyone were to say anything. How sad, you have no idea what that is like, you will never defend me and you never have. I see now that our younger conversation about who would take the bullet for who will never be in your favor, you will never take the bullet for me. It was a childish conversation on who loves who more but we now know the answer to that. You will always be too selfish to take anything for me. Not even a papercut. You still think that you were good to me, why? because you worked for the money? Money doesn't buy love. I was frugal, I never asked for anything, never wasted your money, never ask to get a haircut, no nail salons, no nothing. I wanted us to save because you lied and told me that 'we' had a savings account for our future. You're full of shit. What a tease.

I have always been strong. I had forgotten how resilient I was. I had a tough life, I was just too in love to remind myself that I had it rough. So much of myself was lost while we were together. You were so temperamental, so hard and moody, I compromised so much that I forgot me. It was always about you. That was my only fault as a woman, I loved too much and I forgot about myself. You even said that. This had to happen the way that it did because I would never have seen you for you. I would never have seen you for the monster that you are. I see it now from the way that you talked to me, the way that you yell and scream at me when you were breaking my heart over the phone. It takes a very cold man to kick someone that is already down. You were poison and I just didn't know it. You will NEVER put me first. "Chris is selfish...it's his way or no way." I know now to never love like I did with you. It got me nowhere.

I'm not even going to think of the good times because since it had all been my responsibility it was probably my doings anyway. You paid, you drove, that was it. I accept responsibility for half of why we're broken up but you will never fuller accept yours. You have already forgotten the past nine years so why would it matter. You had jump ship on us many times before so I now accept that you're just a deadbeat. It doesn't matter that I loved you because you're an empty person. You will always have just your mother and yourself. Life goes on and I love myself so much more now. I am reminded everyday that I am gorgeous and I actually believe it. My head is so big now. I have a perfect body, perfect tan and a perfect face. I wanted you to be the one to tell me all of that but I accept that you don't know how to put me first. "Chris is all about Chris." You can't seem to do the small things that would have meant the world to me. I wanted a few simple words but you were just too selfish. I forgot how beautiful I am and shit I'm a size 6, I forgot I had curves. I had a heart surgeon compliment me that I was 'abnormally normal' because I was Asian and had curves in all the right places. Shit, I wanted to hear that from you, not some stranger. Every wonderful words that I hear now I think about you and how much much I'd kill to hear it coming from your mouth. I feel so stupid because you were my murderer and I was still thinking of you. If I don't forget you then I will always be hurt by you. You have already forgotten the past nine years so I will have to do the same. I know that I deserve better and there's so many guys out there that are better than you but I wanted you. That's ok now. Everyone gets their heart broken at some point in life. There are good and bad people in the world. I have already gone through my share of bad people and I see how much better I have been treated by the world now. You had to be the one to teach me this life's lesson and I have learned from it. It only gets better from now on. You broke my heart but there's literally a line of men waiting to heal me so I know that I am ok. I have enough to choose from. We will both get what karma is coming to us. I was always good because that was me and since I have already been through the bad I know what good to expect.

It's a shame that the individual person we built together, someone else may benefit from it. The person that we became had a lot to do with the both of us and who we were. Meeting someone new will be a completely different transition because all that I have learned from us will not apply to anyone else. Lessons learned from our relationship will only apply to just us two. Everything that we did were in reference to Chris and Kera, and how uniquely different we were. I don't know how to do Chris thing with a average American guy name X or Y. We were so different from the average/normal couple. I have to be average now and as silly as it sounds it's not what I want. I don't want normal, I don't want a relationship that blends. I loved what we had, people always gave us a double takes, people always ask and when they find out what were were they are so surprised. It's stupid but that's what I miss. I miss our contrasts, how we complimented one another in every single way. We weren't African American and Asian or Black and White. We were Jamaican and Thai, how does that even happen? I have LITERALLY Googled that and only found one indication of another like us, 'Bahamian and Thai.' How awesome! We are that rare. The best of both worlds.

Life goes on. Lessons leaned and I deserve better from you but you refuse to put me first. You are "selfish" and I was warned but I loved you too much make it an issue but it was more than just an issue, it was what broke us. I am too beautiful for this. Too good for this. People like me shouldn't settle for love, People like me should get everything that they want out of life. I have the looks for it, I am marketable and shit, I have curves. You will never have anything worthwhile to say about me because you used me for sex. That's what it was. 'Sex' and that's ok. What goes around comes around. You always talk about Karma so you already know how much you use and hurt people, especially me. The 'diary of a mad black woman' is art mimicking life. You will get what you deserve ten folds and I will get even better. You will always be in my heart but since that heart is broken you're always just barely hanging onto it. I really don't deserve this from you. I have to accept that I was wrong about you and it's hard because how do you love a murderer?

For the first time in a while I missed CK. I missed him yesterday and all day today. It hits me that way sometimes. I hate it that I still care about him. I know that I still love him even if it's poison. He was a horrible person. He was all about himself and I was left with nothing.