I woke up just fine this morning. I didn't sleep until about 5 am, was looking for jobs and applying. Woke up and resumed it. I went downstairs, had breakfast and talked to CK's mom and as always the conversation turned into about him again. That's how it was with us. He was our world. We talked normally and she told me of his great new life, great high rise apartment in a happening town, how he walked to the supermarket, to the mall in his uppity environment. I am happy for him. I wanted so much to tell her what he was up to in his privet life, how he betrayed my trust, how he is is now with someone after he said he wouldn't. He said that it was our chance to be independent and that he wasn't going to get into a relationship. He's a man, that's to be expected but the fact that he is dating now confirms how little I meant to him that he was able to move on so quick. Two months was all it took for him to erase me.

I came up to the attic and I tarted balling. I cried like I did right after the break up. Why am I crying? I am fucking tired of this feeling. It's been a constant roller coaster. One day I feel fine, feeling like everything is going to be OK and the next I feel the pain all over. The worst part isn't that he broke my heart and abandoned me but the fact that I am nothing to him now. How fast he got over me. It's so unfair. How could he be so heartless after I have loved him completely for so long. Nine plus years. I was so good to him. So faithful. I did everything for him, everything. Sacrificed my friends and family, everything that I had for him, to be with him. I have been so betrayed and so abandoned by the one person that I made my all.

It's so unfair. So unfair that I am left here all alone, crying to no one. I am angry. I am still bitter. I am so angry.