Email to CK

I will never love anyone as much as I loved you. Any man after this will get the fraction of what is left to give. I know that no one will be as good as I was to you because that was all that I did when we were together. All I did was love you unconditionally. I will be content with any man that will love me. I don't even have to care too much about him because as long as he loves me I know he'll never leave me and that's more important than romantic love. I need stability. I need loyalty. I am loyal and I want the same. I just want a man that doesn't cheat on me.

I sit and stare off sometimes and I wonder how I got to where I am. Things changed so fast. Still didn't see it coming. I keep telling myself to accept 'what is' but I don't even understand it. I just take it as it is because I wasn't given a choice. It's so humiliating to have sacrificed so much for a man and went a blind eye to everyone in my life only to crawl back to Trenton like a tossed out old dog. No one cares but at the same time it's so humiliating to have to explain myself and see pity and the 'I told you so' in people's eyes. To face the parents that I was never close with, the parents that I picked a man over.

You always use to say that "if it's meant to be..." but were you meant to be the one to break me? I justify it and tell myself yes, it had to be you, it had to be the person that I love most, you had to be the only one that would be capable of breaking me. That's how I will grow a backbone right? harden up? I sit around all day looking for jobs and applying. I don't even sleep because I don't want to miss any early postings....still nothing. Interviews after interviews and I am still floating around with nothing. I don't devalue this experience, I admit that it has made me hard. I've met people and made friends. Been asked out many times, by doctors and teachers, but for some reason you have ruined it for them...funny but I'm so use to looking up and tilting my head a certain angle looking at you that everyone else seems short or scrawny. It's been a funny experiences being ask out, complimented and turning them down. Feels good. I forgot how it felt to be wanted and drooled over.

Although we have separate lives now I can't help but wonder if things would have been better if I had done X or Y but it's pointless. 'What if' is pointless because I always come to the same conclusion, that you will never know how to be happy. You can't relax and you can't just live, let loose. I was suppose to be the one to keep you grounded and remind you of the small things and how they made us happy. I am not right for you because you want someone just like you and I can never end up with you because I am too good of a person for you. You will only hurt me again and again.

I care about you. That's not going to stop. I was angry and bitter but that's a pointless emotional because I have to find some peace in all of this. I could have stayed angry, could have stayed bitter but I was only hurting myself because I was the only one feeling anything. I guess what I'm trying to say is...it's ok. If you ever had an ounce of worry for me at all since the break up, about my hurting, I'm ok now. I'm not hurting any more. I can't cry for someone that didn't love me. My heart was broken but I mended it myself. I know that if I let you go then I will start to heal and emotional move on too.Your mom said that it took her seven years to get over her separation but I am ready because I don't have the luxury of time or the support of people in my life. I miss you every time something reminds me of 'us' but I now smile at it where I use to cry. It's happy memories and I want to keep it that way. I remember the good things and I still speak highly of you because I always have. I still see you chewing your tongue when you're concentrating, you biting your finger nails, your funny second toes...I still see your body in my mind. I watched you get dressed enough to be able to draw you. I held your hand for nine years so you are pretty much in my blueprint. I love and miss the good times and I choose to leave this with the good memories. I don't even cry that much anymore because I love myself more now that I only have myself to please. It was a lot of work catering to you and I have so much time now to focus on my looks, going out and just being young

You deserve what you want and I pray that you find what you need. I have accepted 'what is' and I have come to a calm state of mind. I guess I'm ready to say that I have your back. You had always had mine.

You will always be my favorite slice of chocolate cake. Cheesy but you know you like it. <3

I accidently stumbled into CK's Facebook today and one of his new friend, that he added around the time we broke up Melinda had a profile pic of her and him together. So I see that I was right about him dating a blond after me. I had butterflies but I wasn't mad. I wanted to just move on and get over it....somehow I was ok. I was happy for him because I have gotten so much more attention that I ever had before. I had forgotten how beautiful I was and I didn't care about him like that anymore. I was all about Kera.

I emailed him and told him that i was happy for him.

Tue, Jul 19, 2011 at 6:21 PM subject :)

I can honestly say that I am happy for you. Didn't I joke around when we broke up that you'd end up with a blond/white girl? I was right,I know- I'm good. Sucks for me that you met her while we were together. I didn't think that I'd be so positive about this but things happens for a reason right? So you say. You always did have wandering eyes. "Out of sight, out of mind." I was selfish to want you all to myself but I am happy to see you smiling...even with someone else. You used me for nine years because I was a good person but you were also good to me because I was good. I hated you for what you did but you have always been all about "CK' and I knew that you would break my heart sooner or later. It had to happen eventually. I have accepted 'what is' and I am kool. Shit happens, things are hard as hell but I have always known how to make it. We have both moved on and that's life, It took longer for me to move on because in every relationship one loves more than the other and I always did love you more. You always disagreed but I stand firm on it and we see how right I was.

I do wish you all the best and as much as you hate Karma I wish things are good for you despite whatever you did wrong. Right or wrong we all want what we want. You weren't wrong to want the 'do me' thing. Your mom ask me if we were going to get back together, she still talks about little Tiger Woods running around and we cry but I see that it's impossible. The moment you become intimate with another woman, all possibilities are cut. Not like we will get back together anyhow because I have accepted that you will always be this way, and there's nothing wrong with that. You were selfish and I was selfless, there were no balances. You hated Asian and I was Asian...etc etc.

I can now say that I love you but in the way a friend loves another close friend. The past nine years was great and I loved you ever second of it. That I know you are positive of. It was good and it was bad but it was beautiful while it lasted. We had so much fun before we moved, I love the small things. I will always care about you and I have moved past any bad feelings because you were good to me, I was good to you and I want to remember us that way. I wanted you to be happy with me but I will always want you to be happy without me too. I don't forget who I am, I will always be good. You always told me to be true to myself and I am...I want what makes you happy. I always did and I still do.

I am honestly happy for you. Kind of weird that I wanted you to be happy and you are, except I'm not in puzzle, I have to consciously remind myself all the time that, "wait CK isn't here...duh," so use to you in my vocabulary. Like learning to walk all over again.

See you around chocolate cake,

Yours, Kera

XOXO

He Wrote back half an hour later:

Thank you.

I know I don't need to say this but what happen with that girl was a mistake that went too far. It wasn't suppose to be anything but some women are just more aggressive. You should never have found out about her at least not like that. its honestly nothing. Even though we are over I'm not ready to move on yet. Don't care if you are either. I know I don't owe you any explanation but I do feel like a real jerk for this. I'm sorry.

My reply:

It's ok. You are not sorry. You are with her and you are happy. That's all I need to know. You say she is aggressive as if she's forcing you to be in a relationship with her but you know what you are doing. You always have. If you know how to break hearts but is with her despite what you say then you wanted this with her if you're with her now. It's ok. You're right, you don't need to explain anything. A woman can't be aggressive toward you if you let her know that you're in a relationship, but we both know how you always like to pretend you're single. I forgive you for all that you do because I am good and that's all I care about. We will all get our Karma. I hope that she treats you better than I did because I was too good for you...she has as much faults as you do so you guys are prefect together. Don't ever tell me you're sorry because you have never known the meaning of it, you have out-used it in the past nine years. You moved on every time you talk to a new girl, I was just always the good wife that you kept coming back to.

I moved on but onto myself. It's disgusting to be with someone else so soon. I still smell like you. I still have your sent on my skin. I still feel you. At first wondered how people do it, get into another relationship so fast but maybe that's just how it works. Maybe we're not meant to be single. You moved onto another person while we were together but you know that I can never do that. It baffled me but then again, you and I are complete opposites. I don't move on to another man because I am still healing. You moved on because you didn't love me. It was easy for you. I am not mad. I was just confused and was hurt that after nine years you were able to replace me in the blink of an eye. But then I had accept that I had to be happy for you because I care about you. I worry about you but you're not my problem anymore. She's better than I am and I know it because I'm not with you, she is. I am happy for you and I am happy that I have been given the chance to see that I'm beautiful. You have always known how to move on, have always known how to disconnect from me for your convenience. I will always be me, I will always care about you but don't lie and don't apologize, we're past that now. Grow up and man up, enough with the lies. You do what you do because you're CK and because you 'do' you.

I just want you to be happy, truly happy and because I still care I don't want you lie and tell me otherwise. You want this and you have it. Let me just be happy for you. You got what you wanted so don't make excuses about someone being aggressive. Like you said to me, no one forced me to be in the relationship, no one is forcing you, so don't lie to me.

I cried hard...for the first time in about a month. I have been staying at my parents' a lot lately and today CK's mom jokes on the phone and says, "...I assume you've moved out and just keeping your things at my house..." it made me sad because I loved being at her house. I was there as part of the family for almost ten years and now I and just floating. I don't know how things could have changed so fast. i was happy a few months ago. CK and I were a family and now he's tossed me out. He moved on, found someone else. H tells me that we may get back together but why? what for? after all of this?

All that I do is cry. I have so much emotions. I am still waiting for that change to happy. Something big and drastic. I need changes for the better. I don't want to be heartbroken anymore. I don't want to be broke anymore. I need changes fast.