Email to CK

I will never love anyone as much as I loved you. Any man after this will get the fraction of what is left to give. I know that no one will be as good as I was to you because that was all that I did when we were together. All I did was love you unconditionally. I will be content with any man that will love me. I don't even have to care too much about him because as long as he loves me I know he'll never leave me and that's more important than romantic love. I need stability. I need loyalty. I am loyal and I want the same. I just want a man that doesn't cheat on me.

I sit and stare off sometimes and I wonder how I got to where I am. Things changed so fast. Still didn't see it coming. I keep telling myself to accept 'what is' but I don't even understand it. I just take it as it is because I wasn't given a choice. It's so humiliating to have sacrificed so much for a man and went a blind eye to everyone in my life only to crawl back to Trenton like a tossed out old dog. No one cares but at the same time it's so humiliating to have to explain myself and see pity and the 'I told you so' in people's eyes. To face the parents that I was never close with, the parents that I picked a man over.

You always use to say that "if it's meant to be..." but were you meant to be the one to break me? I justify it and tell myself yes, it had to be you, it had to be the person that I love most, you had to be the only one that would be capable of breaking me. That's how I will grow a backbone right? harden up? I sit around all day looking for jobs and applying. I don't even sleep because I don't want to miss any early postings....still nothing. Interviews after interviews and I am still floating around with nothing. I don't devalue this experience, I admit that it has made me hard. I've met people and made friends. Been asked out many times, by doctors and teachers, but for some reason you have ruined it for them...funny but I'm so use to looking up and tilting my head a certain angle looking at you that everyone else seems short or scrawny. It's been a funny experiences being ask out, complimented and turning them down. Feels good. I forgot how it felt to be wanted and drooled over.

Although we have separate lives now I can't help but wonder if things would have been better if I had done X or Y but it's pointless. 'What if' is pointless because I always come to the same conclusion, that you will never know how to be happy. You can't relax and you can't just live, let loose. I was suppose to be the one to keep you grounded and remind you of the small things and how they made us happy. I am not right for you because you want someone just like you and I can never end up with you because I am too good of a person for you. You will only hurt me again and again.

I care about you. That's not going to stop. I was angry and bitter but that's a pointless emotional because I have to find some peace in all of this. I could have stayed angry, could have stayed bitter but I was only hurting myself because I was the only one feeling anything. I guess what I'm trying to say is...it's ok. If you ever had an ounce of worry for me at all since the break up, about my hurting, I'm ok now. I'm not hurting any more. I can't cry for someone that didn't love me. My heart was broken but I mended it myself. I know that if I let you go then I will start to heal and emotional move on too.Your mom said that it took her seven years to get over her separation but I am ready because I don't have the luxury of time or the support of people in my life. I miss you every time something reminds me of 'us' but I now smile at it where I use to cry. It's happy memories and I want to keep it that way. I remember the good things and I still speak highly of you because I always have. I still see you chewing your tongue when you're concentrating, you biting your finger nails, your funny second toes...I still see your body in my mind. I watched you get dressed enough to be able to draw you. I held your hand for nine years so you are pretty much in my blueprint. I love and miss the good times and I choose to leave this with the good memories. I don't even cry that much anymore because I love myself more now that I only have myself to please. It was a lot of work catering to you and I have so much time now to focus on my looks, going out and just being young

You deserve what you want and I pray that you find what you need. I have accepted 'what is' and I have come to a calm state of mind. I guess I'm ready to say that I have your back. You had always had mine.

You will always be my favorite slice of chocolate cake. Cheesy but you know you like it. <3

I accidently stumbled into CK's Facebook today and one of his new friend, that he added around the time we broke up Melinda had a profile pic of her and him together. So I see that I was right about him dating a blond after me. I had butterflies but I wasn't mad. I wanted to just move on and get over it....somehow I was ok. I was happy for him because I have gotten so much more attention that I ever had before. I had forgotten how beautiful I was and I didn't care about him like that anymore. I was all about Kera.

I emailed him and told him that i was happy for him.

Tue, Jul 19, 2011 at 6:21 PM subject :)

I can honestly say that I am happy for you. Didn't I joke around when we broke up that you'd end up with a blond/white girl? I was right,I know- I'm good. Sucks for me that you met her while we were together. I didn't think that I'd be so positive about this but things happens for a reason right? So you say. You always did have wandering eyes. "Out of sight, out of mind." I was selfish to want you all to myself but I am happy to see you smiling...even with someone else. You used me for nine years because I was a good person but you were also good to me because I was good. I hated you for what you did but you have always been all about "CK' and I knew that you would break my heart sooner or later. It had to happen eventually. I have accepted 'what is' and I am kool. Shit happens, things are hard as hell but I have always known how to make it. We have both moved on and that's life, It took longer for me to move on because in every relationship one loves more than the other and I always did love you more. You always disagreed but I stand firm on it and we see how right I was.

I do wish you all the best and as much as you hate Karma I wish things are good for you despite whatever you did wrong. Right or wrong we all want what we want. You weren't wrong to want the 'do me' thing. Your mom ask me if we were going to get back together, she still talks about little Tiger Woods running around and we cry but I see that it's impossible. The moment you become intimate with another woman, all possibilities are cut. Not like we will get back together anyhow because I have accepted that you will always be this way, and there's nothing wrong with that. You were selfish and I was selfless, there were no balances. You hated Asian and I was Asian...etc etc.

I can now say that I love you but in the way a friend loves another close friend. The past nine years was great and I loved you ever second of it. That I know you are positive of. It was good and it was bad but it was beautiful while it lasted. We had so much fun before we moved, I love the small things. I will always care about you and I have moved past any bad feelings because you were good to me, I was good to you and I want to remember us that way. I wanted you to be happy with me but I will always want you to be happy without me too. I don't forget who I am, I will always be good. You always told me to be true to myself and I am...I want what makes you happy. I always did and I still do.

I am honestly happy for you. Kind of weird that I wanted you to be happy and you are, except I'm not in puzzle, I have to consciously remind myself all the time that, "wait CK isn't here...duh," so use to you in my vocabulary. Like learning to walk all over again.

See you around chocolate cake,

Yours, Kera

XOXO

He Wrote back half an hour later:

Thank you.

I know I don't need to say this but what happen with that girl was a mistake that went too far. It wasn't suppose to be anything but some women are just more aggressive. You should never have found out about her at least not like that. its honestly nothing. Even though we are over I'm not ready to move on yet. Don't care if you are either. I know I don't owe you any explanation but I do feel like a real jerk for this. I'm sorry.

My reply:

It's ok. You are not sorry. You are with her and you are happy. That's all I need to know. You say she is aggressive as if she's forcing you to be in a relationship with her but you know what you are doing. You always have. If you know how to break hearts but is with her despite what you say then you wanted this with her if you're with her now. It's ok. You're right, you don't need to explain anything. A woman can't be aggressive toward you if you let her know that you're in a relationship, but we both know how you always like to pretend you're single. I forgive you for all that you do because I am good and that's all I care about. We will all get our Karma. I hope that she treats you better than I did because I was too good for you...she has as much faults as you do so you guys are prefect together. Don't ever tell me you're sorry because you have never known the meaning of it, you have out-used it in the past nine years. You moved on every time you talk to a new girl, I was just always the good wife that you kept coming back to.

I moved on but onto myself. It's disgusting to be with someone else so soon. I still smell like you. I still have your sent on my skin. I still feel you. At first wondered how people do it, get into another relationship so fast but maybe that's just how it works. Maybe we're not meant to be single. You moved onto another person while we were together but you know that I can never do that. It baffled me but then again, you and I are complete opposites. I don't move on to another man because I am still healing. You moved on because you didn't love me. It was easy for you. I am not mad. I was just confused and was hurt that after nine years you were able to replace me in the blink of an eye. But then I had accept that I had to be happy for you because I care about you. I worry about you but you're not my problem anymore. She's better than I am and I know it because I'm not with you, she is. I am happy for you and I am happy that I have been given the chance to see that I'm beautiful. You have always known how to move on, have always known how to disconnect from me for your convenience. I will always be me, I will always care about you but don't lie and don't apologize, we're past that now. Grow up and man up, enough with the lies. You do what you do because you're CK and because you 'do' you.

I just want you to be happy, truly happy and because I still care I don't want you lie and tell me otherwise. You want this and you have it. Let me just be happy for you. You got what you wanted so don't make excuses about someone being aggressive. Like you said to me, no one forced me to be in the relationship, no one is forcing you, so don't lie to me.

I cried hard...for the first time in about a month. I have been staying at my parents' a lot lately and today CK's mom jokes on the phone and says, "...I assume you've moved out and just keeping your things at my house..." it made me sad because I loved being at her house. I was there as part of the family for almost ten years and now I and just floating. I don't know how things could have changed so fast. i was happy a few months ago. CK and I were a family and now he's tossed me out. He moved on, found someone else. H tells me that we may get back together but why? what for? after all of this?

All that I do is cry. I have so much emotions. I am still waiting for that change to happy. Something big and drastic. I need changes for the better. I don't want to be heartbroken anymore. I don't want to be broke anymore. I need changes fast.

I woke up just fine this morning. I didn't sleep until about 5 am, was looking for jobs and applying. Woke up and resumed it. I went downstairs, had breakfast and talked to CK's mom and as always the conversation turned into about him again. That's how it was with us. He was our world. We talked normally and she told me of his great new life, great high rise apartment in a happening town, how he walked to the supermarket, to the mall in his uppity environment. I am happy for him. I wanted so much to tell her what he was up to in his privet life, how he betrayed my trust, how he is is now with someone after he said he wouldn't. He said that it was our chance to be independent and that he wasn't going to get into a relationship. He's a man, that's to be expected but the fact that he is dating now confirms how little I meant to him that he was able to move on so quick. Two months was all it took for him to erase me.

I came up to the attic and I tarted balling. I cried like I did right after the break up. Why am I crying? I am fucking tired of this feeling. It's been a constant roller coaster. One day I feel fine, feeling like everything is going to be OK and the next I feel the pain all over. The worst part isn't that he broke my heart and abandoned me but the fact that I am nothing to him now. How fast he got over me. It's so unfair. How could he be so heartless after I have loved him completely for so long. Nine plus years. I was so good to him. So faithful. I did everything for him, everything. Sacrificed my friends and family, everything that I had for him, to be with him. I have been so betrayed and so abandoned by the one person that I made my all.

It's so unfair. So unfair that I am left here all alone, crying to no one. I am angry. I am still bitter. I am so angry.

Last night was the first time that i had spoken to CK's mom in a week. "Do you think you guys will get back together?" she ask. "I don't know" I told her. I said that it was up to Chris but either way I still have to get my life together. She agreed that I could stay here until I get a job because it wouldn't be fair to send me back home with nothing. She said that the situation is awkward because she initially thought that CK and I was just on a separation but I told her that this isn't like before. She said that it is weird to have me here but me not be with CK. It's a new feeling for us both. I am still here but CK isn't with me. I think that he really has had a change of heart. I didn't tell her about his relationship status on FB, it said that he was in a relationship and his ex Anneka that he had talked to behind my back a few times in the past two years 'Like' the status change, why else would she do that unless they were talking now.

She started talking about the wedding, she pictured a stretch limo, white dress, Jamaican wedding and little tiger Woods running around. "I was just telling you not long ago that you had to wear a white dress." She said, and I remember that conversation. What happened? CK and I talked about an engagement, a wedding and now this. I told her that I feel he's stringing me along by telling me that, "I'm not saying we're not going to get back together." I don't even know if I want to get back with him. Not after all that he has done to me. Even his mom said that she doesn't even know the person that he has turned into. "He is arrogant" she says. He doesn't have a heart, no family moral. We were a family. I can't take him back after this. He has to go through ever measures to prove to me that he deserves me if he wants us back.

I doubt that he will because he disconnects faster than the speed of light. Always so cold, so dismissive. I am happy for him now. He is successful but that is all there is to him, an empty shell but whatever makes him happy. That's strange for me to say but I care about him and I want him to be happy. If he was miserable with me than I would rather see him happy without me, even if he was with someone else. He always talked about Karma and if he is with one of his exes Anneka then maybe they deserve one another. She cheated on him, he cheated on me and I was the one to pay for everything. Maybe I will get my good Karma soon because I was always the good one. Nice guys finish last but we always do get the last laugh.

Today CK un-friend me. I am shocked but its expected. I don't care at all. I am too hurt, too betrayed to care right now. I thought that I would be hurt but I am not. I am too bitter to be hurt. I really do deserve better but my problem was that I loved him too much. I have to learn how to love myself now, put me first. Something that I never had a chance to do but now is the time. I love myself and I am damn sexy now that I have just me to focus on.

He had deleted me

11:18 PM me: are u there?

11:19 PM Chris: Yea

me: did u talk to ur mom today?

Chris: No.

No.

11:20 PM me: did u read my email today?

Chris: Some of it.

me: why just some? i guess u will never like me

11:21 PM but honestly do u ready all of any of my email?

11:22 PM anyway, it doesn't matter. Am I bothering you?

11:23 PM Chris: I'm heading to bed now.

11:24 PM me: ok, i take that as as 'yes' i had something important to talk to u about but u have already deleted me

11:25 PM Chris: What is it?

me: im not sure but i think that ure mom is feeling uncortable about the fact that ppl know

11:26 PM like she ask me last night if i talked to my parents, i said yes

ure mom thinks that ppl will bad mouth u and do that whole "i told u so" thing

11:27 PM the thing is I was the one that ask her if i could stay here, not u

idk if that would have made her feel any fid

dif'

11:28 PM Chris: What people?. Why would they bad month me?

me: last night she said "i was ok with this before but i don't think i'm comfortable with this now"

exactly

what ppl, but she doesn't know that

i didnt get to explain

no one knows us or about us, they have never met u

11:29 PM but she thinks that people will say bad things about u, but no one really cares

it's always been just us, no one was involved, but she doesn't know that we were that isolated

11:30 PM Chris: I don't think its that.

11:31 PM me: no one can possibly bad mouth u because no ne knows u, they've never met u, some ppl knew that i had a bf but knows nothing more but ur mom is getting uncomfortable cus she probably thinks that ppl they will say bad things about me living here

well she didn't talk to me today

lats night before she left the attic she said, "we'll see in a few weeks" and then she didn't talk to me all day

Chris: I just think she was thinking you would move back home once you were able to tell your parents what happen.

11:32 PM me: i alrady told her when we first broke up that that wasn't an optioon

she even said that i could stay as long as I nedded to til i got a job

she said that she understood that i couldnt move back home

11:33 PM its not an option to move back home, i don't think that u would evern move back either

Chris: She doesn't understand why that is.

11:34 PM me: i have always spoken to her about how i dont have a relationship with my family

i dont know, it's freaking me out

with my parents'

11:35 PM my parents didnt even say anything whe i told them, not like they were ever a part of us to say anything at all

11:36 PM what i wanted t ask u was that if she brings it up I need u to say something

Chris: Yea I just hope for all of us you get a job soon.

me: i know

i applied for 11 jobs today

and no less than 7 every day

11:37 PM i don't want to be here either

the whole break up was to be independant and that can't happen if i dont have a bed to sleep in while i look for that

well just ensure her the obvious

11:38 PM no one cares about us

Chris: Yea I will see what I can do. But I don't live there

11:39 PM me: no one knows about us, never met u, so no one can even say anything at all. I just need u to ensure her of that because i need to be here while i look for a job

Chris: I will see what I can do. I'm going to bed.

me: i know u don't live here, thats not the point. I just need u help her see that if she does think that already

11:40 PM ok night

did u ask her if i could stay here or u didnt mention it at all?

Chris: Ok.

11:41 PM me: :( i just wonder if it she would have been more open to it if u had asked

11:42 PM Chris: If you hadn't when and tell her everything I would have told her something but you just had to go run off your month to her

me: i know that u don't care about me but if you really want me to be independent i need ur help until i get a job, i really need a place to stay until then

11:43 PM i didnt run my mouth to her, she ask. I didnt have anyone and u don't have to make it all my fault all over again, not like i was the one that broke us

Chris: Ok night.

11:44 PM me: i honestly didnt try to run my mouth, i was crying and she kept askin, wat was i to do or say11:49 PM.me: forgot to tell u, don't bring it up, only talk to her about it if she bring it up. I dont want her to think that I ask u to do it. I am really hanging off of a sting. Yes yes I know that you don't give a shit if I live or die but it's my life too and I want to make it. I just need a bed right now

Email to CK 6/8/2011

I have been healing but then last night I had a dream about us. In it we finally had that break up conversation that we never had, on why we should and should not be together, what happened and what we did to resolve X and Y and how the the efforts didn't work and etc. Of course it was a dream and we were never adults enough to do all those things. You simply threw me out, period. Because you had to continue your birthright of being selfish.

Now and then I'd have a flashback of how you were, maybe my mind is trying to tell me that this is best for me. How temperamental you are, how hard it was to live with a grown five year old. Gosh it was so much work just planning one meal for you, crossing things out and adding things on and by the time I found a recipe that you'd like I was mentally exhausted. I was responsible for everything in the relationship. You forced everything on me. You worked and that was it. I was responsible for the sex drive, for keeping everything happy, for entertainments, for everything. You took responsibility for nothing but yourself. You don't know what it means to be there for someone. I take responsibility for the fact that I didn't always know the right thing to say to you either but at least I know what I did wrong. You see nothing wrong with anything that you did because you are Chris."Chris is selfish and he knows it." That's sad.

It's sad that I have to see you the way you really are after so many years of you being the only person in my heart. i wish that I had known you were like this from the beginning.I guess I did see it but things had changed. You hadn't bailed out on us since we got back together in 2006. I am hanging onto a string now. I sacrificed everything in my life for us. You are too cold and too self centered to see that people do make sacrifices when they love someone. You tell me, "oh no one forced you to be in the relationship" of course not, it was love.No one forced me to be in love, I just was. People fall in love and they make sacrifices for one another. What did you ever sacrifice for me? for us? What efforts did you make to make us happy? You made it all my responsibility when this was suppose to be an 'us' thing. Where was your responsibility in all of this? What did you do to make us work? Nothing, you admitted that you did nothing, you watched it fail because it was work to lift a finger, to make a thought.

I finally told my parents. Of course they have nothing to say, they were never a part of my life. I told them that we both choose to be independent and that's that. I don't think that you mom is comfortable with the fact that people on my side knows, she's afraid that they will bad mouth you but people never knew anything about us. They don't even know you, a few only met you once. I understand why she would hate that but I have never bad mouth you to anyone in my life, so no one ever has anything to say. They simply accept my explanation that WE chose to be independent. That's what's different between us also. You use to bad mouth me to your friends, there were no respect for me. It's no one's business if you were X or Y. My one close friend, Sarong, knows that you're picky with food but nothing bad about you. I never knew how to talk shit about you the way that you did behind my back. That's sad. How sad is it that I was always so righteous. People now know that 'Chris and Kera' broke up but no one knows the details, I refuse to tell anyone any of it even though I wanted to. No one to takes my side because they just don't know. Lucky you, you will always have your mom. I have me, my humiliation and pity.

You mom ask me last night what my mom said about me staying here and I told her the truth, that my parents didn't say anything, they were never a part of this to begin with. My mom ask where I was going to stay and I said, "on Melrose" that was that. But I don't think that you mom is comfortable with the idea anymore. I don't blame her. You threw me out so why wouldn't she do the same? No one knows you, they don't know us, no one care either way. I wish that I could tell someone what you did, how you used me and how you had always bailed out and how I always took you back. I need someone to take my side and ironically I have only been able to talk about it with old ass strangers at the hospital and the school, it's easy because they don't know us and there's no judgement, just general advices. Tell me how do you do it? You seem to be a pro at breaking hearts and using people, how do I lure someone into liking me so that I can use them? Then how do you make it a "I wanna do me" thing when I am through using them? You have done it to be about four times, I never paid attention to how you did it so tell me. I really want to learn from the pro. There were no efforts on your part but I ended up punished for your "I just want to do me" shit. It's so easy for you when you only think of yourself. If the world had ended I bet you would push me off a cliff for the last piece of cracker. That's just you and I see that now.

You know I never knew how beautiful I was with you? I guess I was so in love that I wanted to hear it from you and only you. Your words always affected me and it's silly to balance your own self image with what someone else thinks about you but it was important to me how you felt about me and how you saw me. I would tell you all the time how handsome you were to me, you were my everything and I wanted to compliment you all the time because I wanted the same from you. You looked the same to me everyday but that wasn't the point, it's keeping us alive, vibrant, keep us on our toes and reminding us to keep up the efforts on making ourselves attractive for one another. We didn't have to turn into two forty year olds. You got what you asked for. You chose to do nothing. Since the break up I have been healing and I have been asked out every other day. I can't even believe it, it's such an odd feeling to me. I guess it is true that I was soo busy being responsible for us that I forgot about myself, I forgot what it's like to be wanted. I have been invited to dinners and charity dinners by doctors and surgeons and I should have been flattered but in the back of my mind I felt that we missed on on me. You missed out on me. I turned them down, I wasn't impressed and I honestly don't know why. I tried to itemize who they were and what they had, Porsche and big fancy cars, but I wasn't impressed. All of the compliments that I get now I know would sound so much better coming from you but you don't have the heart to put me first to actually do that, so I know that it's just wishful thinking. Subconsciously I still wish that you would grow up and stop being so selfish but you are Chris.

Women usually have multiple men, and I know you have known a few, and they know how to get what they want from those men. I know how to get men with my looks and all I need are some empty words to get material things from them, but that's not me. I am a one man's woman and he threw me out. The sad thing is that I can't do that. I am not like you. It's dirty and it's disgusting. I don't want anyone to touch me, no matter how attractive he is. You were the only person that I wanted to touch. Your hands were the only hands I was comfortable with on me. Men in general makes me icky, germy. I have put my lips on every inches of you body and I don't think that I have the stomach to do that with anyone else. As weird as it is, you know how I don't even touch public surfaces and touching people are worst. I'd have to carry bottles and bottles of hand sanitizers just to say 'hello' back to them. I now see that a man has to deserve me and maybe you don't deserve me. I was too good for you, too good because you turned out to be such a cold person, no moral, no remorse, no shame, no heart. In life you don't always get what you want, you get what you need. I was probably what you needed to gain some sort of humanity, maybe a fraction of my kindness and selflessness rubbed off on you. Maybe you needed me for that aspect of being good, and being human. I can't imagine you being any colder. I guess I needed you to be the one to break my heart. Life needed to take the one person that I love most to betray me, to show me that this world was full of jerks and assholes like you. I don't think that the lesson would have been the same if it had came from someone that I didn't love. It had to be you, you had to be the one to use me and throw me out for me to see it. The main lesson with you isn't that this world is full of jerks and assholes but to never love too much. See where it got me? Sacrificing everything for love gets you thrown out penniless and homeless. I always use to say that in every relationship one loves more than the other and it's true with us. I loved you more and you, narcissistic, loved yourself. "Men don't want to commit because they just want to play." I don't have the luxury of playing and whoring because my body is off limit to anyone that I don't love. Putting you first gave you an excuse to neglect me, we both neglected me. The irony. To have sacrificed everything only to lose everything in return. I don't regret loving you because that's what I do best. I don't regret the past nine years at all. I just feel used and humiliated that I allowed someone that I loved to use me. I loved you soo much that it was easy for you.

I want, so bad, to tell people how horrible you were to me, I want someone to say something comforting, I need someone to agree with me and take my side but I just can't do that. I couldn't tell Sarong, my teacher Ms. Smith or my family, I just couldn't open up on the details. No matter how horrible you were, I am the only one that deserves to think bad about you. Subconsciously I still defend you if anyone were to say anything. How sad, you have no idea what that is like, you will never defend me and you never have. I see now that our younger conversation about who would take the bullet for who will never be in your favor, you will never take the bullet for me. It was a childish conversation on who loves who more but we now know the answer to that. You will always be too selfish to take anything for me. Not even a papercut. You still think that you were good to me, why? because you worked for the money? Money doesn't buy love. I was frugal, I never asked for anything, never wasted your money, never ask to get a haircut, no nail salons, no nothing. I wanted us to save because you lied and told me that 'we' had a savings account for our future. You're full of shit. What a tease.

I have always been strong. I had forgotten how resilient I was. I had a tough life, I was just too in love to remind myself that I had it rough. So much of myself was lost while we were together. You were so temperamental, so hard and moody, I compromised so much that I forgot me. It was always about you. That was my only fault as a woman, I loved too much and I forgot about myself. You even said that. This had to happen the way that it did because I would never have seen you for you. I would never have seen you for the monster that you are. I see it now from the way that you talked to me, the way that you yell and scream at me when you were breaking my heart over the phone. It takes a very cold man to kick someone that is already down. You were poison and I just didn't know it. You will NEVER put me first. "Chris is selfish...it's his way or no way." I know now to never love like I did with you. It got me nowhere.

I'm not even going to think of the good times because since it had all been my responsibility it was probably my doings anyway. You paid, you drove, that was it. I accept responsibility for half of why we're broken up but you will never fuller accept yours. You have already forgotten the past nine years so why would it matter. You had jump ship on us many times before so I now accept that you're just a deadbeat. It doesn't matter that I loved you because you're an empty person. You will always have just your mother and yourself. Life goes on and I love myself so much more now. I am reminded everyday that I am gorgeous and I actually believe it. My head is so big now. I have a perfect body, perfect tan and a perfect face. I wanted you to be the one to tell me all of that but I accept that you don't know how to put me first. "Chris is all about Chris." You can't seem to do the small things that would have meant the world to me. I wanted a few simple words but you were just too selfish. I forgot how beautiful I am and shit I'm a size 6, I forgot I had curves. I had a heart surgeon compliment me that I was 'abnormally normal' because I was Asian and had curves in all the right places. Shit, I wanted to hear that from you, not some stranger. Every wonderful words that I hear now I think about you and how much much I'd kill to hear it coming from your mouth. I feel so stupid because you were my murderer and I was still thinking of you. If I don't forget you then I will always be hurt by you. You have already forgotten the past nine years so I will have to do the same. I know that I deserve better and there's so many guys out there that are better than you but I wanted you. That's ok now. Everyone gets their heart broken at some point in life. There are good and bad people in the world. I have already gone through my share of bad people and I see how much better I have been treated by the world now. You had to be the one to teach me this life's lesson and I have learned from it. It only gets better from now on. You broke my heart but there's literally a line of men waiting to heal me so I know that I am ok. I have enough to choose from. We will both get what karma is coming to us. I was always good because that was me and since I have already been through the bad I know what good to expect.

It's a shame that the individual person we built together, someone else may benefit from it. The person that we became had a lot to do with the both of us and who we were. Meeting someone new will be a completely different transition because all that I have learned from us will not apply to anyone else. Lessons learned from our relationship will only apply to just us two. Everything that we did were in reference to Chris and Kera, and how uniquely different we were. I don't know how to do Chris thing with a average American guy name X or Y. We were so different from the average/normal couple. I have to be average now and as silly as it sounds it's not what I want. I don't want normal, I don't want a relationship that blends. I loved what we had, people always gave us a double takes, people always ask and when they find out what were were they are so surprised. It's stupid but that's what I miss. I miss our contrasts, how we complimented one another in every single way. We weren't African American and Asian or Black and White. We were Jamaican and Thai, how does that even happen? I have LITERALLY Googled that and only found one indication of another like us, 'Bahamian and Thai.' How awesome! We are that rare. The best of both worlds.

Life goes on. Lessons leaned and I deserve better from you but you refuse to put me first. You are "selfish" and I was warned but I loved you too much make it an issue but it was more than just an issue, it was what broke us. I am too beautiful for this. Too good for this. People like me shouldn't settle for love, People like me should get everything that they want out of life. I have the looks for it, I am marketable and shit, I have curves. You will never have anything worthwhile to say about me because you used me for sex. That's what it was. 'Sex' and that's ok. What goes around comes around. You always talk about Karma so you already know how much you use and hurt people, especially me. The 'diary of a mad black woman' is art mimicking life. You will get what you deserve ten folds and I will get even better. You will always be in my heart but since that heart is broken you're always just barely hanging onto it. I really don't deserve this from you. I have to accept that I was wrong about you and it's hard because how do you love a murderer?

For the first time in a while I missed CK. I missed him yesterday and all day today. It hits me that way sometimes. I hate it that I still care about him. I know that I still love him even if it's poison. He was a horrible person. He was all about himself and I was left with nothing.

My dad said that he had a mild heart attack when he found out that I was abandoned by CK.

I spent the all afternoon and evening at Wilson elementary for the school's talent event. Ms. Smith dropped me off and in the car she ask what I was going to do this weekend since I told her previously that CK will be coming to his parents' house. I told her that i didn't know yet.

For the first time in a while I told her that I was OK. That I accept what has happened. She listed the steps that people take when dealing with heartaches. I am in the accepting stage. It still hurts and I feel betrayed that CK is living in a lavished high rice apartment while I was thrown back into Trenton. He doesn't deserve me.

She told me how beautiful I was and I am starting to feel that all over again now. I remember that I use to always get hit on but I never cared because I loved CK. When Ms. Smith first told me about the male teacher liking me she said, you will never have a problem getting a date because you are gorgeous. I know that. I don't have a problem getting dates but I had problem with a man that didn't want to commit.

She told me that when I was in the hallways tiding up the decorations, Mr. Donaghy poked his head into her classroom after seeing me and grinned at her. She said, "You can talk to her you know" but she said that he was shy. I do appreciate that someone is interested but it's too fast. I have to get my life in oder first. She ask, "if he ask me for your phone number can I give it to him." I wasn't sure but I don't want to miss a possibility of something better, so I hesitantly said, "Yes"

She ask if I had spoken to my parents and I told her that my dad called. She has always known about my family situation and how I didn't have a relationship with my dad. She got teary eyed when I told her that my dad called and apologized for being a bad father. She herself hasn't spoken to her father in 30 years when he walked out on the family. She said that he is a proud man but he loves me.

Having to tell my dad

I have been staying with my friend Ms. Smith since Saturday. I wanted to visit with her and tell her what had happened with Ck and I. She loved him and she was shocked. CK's mom went to Maryland yesterday to help him move in. She said that the apartment building was beautiful, the entrance way was like walking into a hotel loft. That the apartment was beautiful, a young professional's pad. I wanted to cry. It was suppose to be our home. She said that the area was beautiful, a hybrid of NYC and suburbs. Everything was in walking distance. I know that I should be asking her all of this but I wanted to know. It was suppose to be my life with him. He threw me away.

I went to school with her and helped out in her art class Monday and Tuesday. It was a great escape. I thought about CK but I didn't have a chance to get emotional because I stayed busy. I needed that. This morning one of the male teacher Mr. Donaghy, was dropping his class off at Ms. Smith's art room and I greeted him. Ms. Smith later told me that he said to her, "OMG Ms. Smith who is that girl in your room. She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." I was flattered but I don't know how to feel about that. I am still healing. It was great that someone thought that I was "gorgeous" but I wanted CK to see it first.

My dad called, we never got along, never said more than hi and bye for the past few years, and I finally spoke to him. He ask what happened because he had heard about the break up from my mom. He ask me to forgive him for being a bad father, that he had made a mistake when I was growing up and he ask that I let him help me. I cried and cried, trying to talk at the same time. I explained to him what happened but I never bad mouth CK. In many ways CK was right, I needed to find myself. It's heartbreaking that I had to do it broken up. My dad ask why that couldn't happen as a couple and I explained that it had been a year and a half where things began to go south. I told him the truth and I assured him that no matter what happened I still need to get my career and built myself. He was sad that it had to happen at an age where I should have been settling down. It is unfortunate but I told him that that's life. He said to come home sometime. I told him that I will. I just needed time, and quiet.

Email to CK

I know that you will always be successful in the corporate world. Being at Lockheed has made you so much stronger and so much more confident than you already were. At the same time every aspect of your life will always be the same. I'm afraid you will continue to use people. You have had friends, good friends but you have a habit of throwing people away. You were never friendless but you have always been inappropriate in using them and losing them, men and women. The same way that you just decided not to deal with Roy and any of your other friends that you have had throughout your life. You throw people away. You use people. You use every woman that you have ever met but I was the one that had it the worst. I was the one that you were able to destroy.

You think that just by hoping that I will be OK will erase what you did? Since you have no guilt and no conscience you "really don't give a fuck" your words to me when I ask if you cared what happens to me. You said 'I really don't give a fuck." Nine years and I didn't know that this was how you felt about me or that you would ever talk to me like that. If only people knew. Nine years I was good to you and you tell me that you don't give a fuck about me. I knew that you don't give a fuck but to kick me when I was already down? So this is what happens to women after you have used them. In the end you have been merciful to all the other girls you've used and I was punished for everything that you did, all that you are. I was the one that had it worst.

"It takes a big man to love a perfect women" and it takes the worst type of human to destroy one. You are the worst type of human, you're sneaky, manipulative, and cold blooded. If only your mom know what a worst monster you are. "I'm sorry" she said, "I'm afraid I've created a monster." You are worst than that. Now you admit to me they I was never part of your plans, of course not, you don't make plans but that was a convenient enough excuse you pulled out of your ass. So I was never part of your plan but I was just there to see how you can fit me into your convenience. Thanks for that clarification. I should have seen it all long but I didn't. I was "the good wife." You threw me out an empty shell. I have to learn how to be all over again without even remembering how I was before you. I gave you all of my love and now I am just a empty person. Maybe it's a better thing that I have already been through hell because of you, everything else should be easy since I don't have a heart to feel from anymore. I have nothing left but an empty shell, homeless, and pitied.

I pray for you success but I don't even have to wonder about you getting what you deserve in all other aspects of your life. It's obvious. You will continue to use and lose people. You will always get what you deserve in life and since you are so concerned with karma then you already know that you really will get this back. You don't have to worry about hell for a long time but it's the worst human beings like you that ends up coming home to furnitures but alone. Money can't buy what you throw out and I have always been the type of person that wasn't interested in money or material things and you can't give me that. I am priceless.

I have met people in the past few days that have made me feel even more beautiful, just strangers, older citizens mainly, black and white, that would have enough life experience to talk to. They kept asking why I looked so sad even when I smiled and I told them everything, no bias. It's better to vent out to stranger that will see it all subjectively. It feels better to hear them say that I was too good and listed why. "A good woman is rare and you can spot her right away because she has a aura...that's why we like you." It also "takes a man with eyes to see it." You have never seen me. You have alway looked at me through a spreadsheet and how I fit into it. As much as I love you, you don't deserve me. I've never talked to anyone about how I felt or the relationship but I understand why it was easy for a good woman to be used, because she loves, she hope he will open his eyes but some men deserves what they get, not what you want to give them. "In life you don't always get what you want but you always get what you need" "A man that know's a woman's worth will do everything for her...will make sure she knows it" I guess this was the only way that I was going to see you for who you really were. You're just a cold, selfish person. I can't even call you 'cold hearted' because you don't have a heart. I had always seen you in sight a beautiful light when you were just a wolf in sheep skin.

I understand. You had to hurt me because that's what you do. You had to use me because you use people to get by. I haven't learned the art of 'not crying' over pain yet but as much as it hurts I know that I am better than the way that you treat me because a good woman is a good woman. I was a shell of my previous self but "a diamond with flaws will always be worth more than a pebble without imperfections." Old people has a saying for everything. Just because you destroyed me doesn't mean I am worth any less.There are more women then men in the world but "it takes a certain type man to see through the pile of shit and spot a flower blossoming amongst them." Funny but true. I remember that you like shit. You always mess with shitty fugly women and I thought that something was wrong with me.

The flaw of a woman is that she takes care of her family and sacrifices herself for them. I did forget about myself. I loved you too much that I neglected myself, we both neglected me. I have myself back now and I really love myself. I love my body, I have perfect hair, I have always has silky skin, and I just need a bit more makeup. I was jogging, in the rain, the other day and one of the doctor that I recognize from the hospital pulled up, in a Porches no less, and yelled "slow down, you're what are you trying to lose?" "I'm trying to get toned" I yelled" and he says, "you have curves, you're going to lose them." That made my day, it was probably just sweet talk but it was nice. Nice that someone saw me. You never saw me, you see me through your bias 'CK's peripheral. I wonder how much it cost him to say that because you were never able to afford those words.

I understand that there's still things that I have to get for myself, career and such, but to do it at the cost of losing nine years of my life and my heart doesn't seen worth it. That's life. I am beautiful, I am young and I have always been strong. I choose to be the woman in the relationship but I have always known how to put on the pants. It's pathetic to see how much I loved you, to see that I actually made you my all. I deserve it because I loved too much. You should never love anything too much because it will just hurt more when it all goes to shit. I see that you have never had that problem. You love CK and CK isn't leaving himself. I know that I will always love you but I am also learning to hate you. I will never forgive you, that's just the way it is but I have to remember all that you mom has tried to excuse you from. I have held your hands long enough. Nine years I loved you completely. Since you threw me out I have to accept that I am trash to you. You treated me like trash but one man's trash is another man's treasure right? Sounds awful when talking about a person but that's what it is. You have never loved me so you can go back to telling yourself that you did nothing wrong because you did say that you hope I'll be OK. That justifies everything you do. You deserve all the bad Karma that you have coming, ten folds. I deserve everything good because I made sure that I was always good, no matter what. I was always good to you. I was good to everyone and I deserve good Karma.

Dreaming of CK

I had an even stranger dream last night. That CK and I were on talking terms. I was at his Apartment. It was contemporary looking with lots of glossy windows. Like a lofty artist apartment, maybe because I'm an artist.

The next thing I know we kissed and felt like the beginning of a reconciliation. Then we were on his bed and I remember that we made love and then showered together.

That was it, that's all I remember about him and I in a dream. As if!

Another email to CK after talking to his mom

As much as it hurts I can't help but be happy for you at the same time. I ask your mom how you're doing all the time as if it matters to me. I forget that I was asking about the Chris that threw me out. I can't believe that I am happy for you when this should have been our new life together. I was always excited about our move but at least one of us it living it. But that's life. You have never fully loved so you wouldn't understand selflessness, that's not something you're born with or learn to do, it's something that you become when you love someone. I understand I got screwed over and used for nine years but, LIFE right?! What doesn't kill me makes you stronger. I have always been strong. I just had a weakness for you and high hope for us. I just loved you too much because I thought that you were doing all of this for us. I thought wrong. You were doing it for you and I just happened to love you enough for you to justify using me."No one force you to be in it." Yea but that doesn't justify you doing it.

I didn't have an easy life. I had it hard since I was twelve so I should never have had so much faith in people. I never should have believe in you. I have never had anyone and I just fell hard for you and thought you'd be the one to catch me but I'm a big girl now. I don't believe in love anymore. Life is hard but nothing compares to this. I would rather be tortured in some third country than to have my heart broken by you. To be used by someone you don't care about hurts less then to be broken by the person that you love. It hurts deeper. The harder you love the harder you hurt. You wouldn't know what that's like. I have held your hands for nine years and now I have learned that when you love something you just have to let it go. Makes no sense but then again it makes complete sense, it's selflessness. I loved you too much to not see that you were using me and I love you too much to let you throw me away. I have to learn to let it all go now.

I have always had guys hitting on me but I loved one man. It was easy to ignore advances because I was always in love with you. I told you that in the past two years I wasn't happy all day every day but I was always happy. I felt that tomorrow will be the day the cycle ends. Silly right? because at the same time you were just using me, not wanting it to work. That got me no where. I will always love you but you have betrayed me in the worst way.

I have always been attractive. I have always been that gorgeous 'where is she from' girl. I have always been that "Asian looking" girl with "cat eyes." I am still that. I have never lost my self confident but your words were the only words that I have ever been sensitive to because yours were the only ones that mattered to me. I had become comfortable but it's something that was easily solved. Problem solved, *check mark!*

I am excited for you. I wish more than anything that I was there with you but I don't deserve anything good in life, I've come to that conclusion based on all that has happened to me my entire life. I was always hopelessly in love with you and now I accept that I am alone, I have been alone all along.

I know that Andrew has an interview in Baltimore I truly hope that he gets a job there because it would be nice to have familiar people close by. Cliff and Andrew would be AWESOME to have near when you need to hang out. I have done everything that I could, without your inputs, communication or effort, in taking care of you and us. Material things and money doesn't make or break us, they are creature comforts so you can't use that in your defense. I always say that in every relationship one always loves more than the other. It's still true. I have to pretend that we never happened. I am learning to be Chris.

I was writing another letter to CK and when his mom came home. She knocked on the attic door and walk up. She said, "what's up" and ask what i was doing. I quickly tissued my eyes dried before she got up the stair. I said, "oh nothing" with a nasally voice. She ask if I had a cold and I said, "no," which she then realized that I was crying. She sat next to me on the edge of the bed and hugged me. "I feel bad for you" she said "but I don't know what to do, I'm in a tight spot here" I told her that I understood.

"When I was your age I was married and divorces with a child. I know what your feeling." She was 26 when she had a divorce. She said that the difference was that she was strong emotionally and I was a soft person. I wanted to tell her that for a woman you leave with your dignity when you choose to leave a relationship but to be thrown out of one makes you feel so small. "You know that I love CK to death and I know how difficult he is" she said "my world revolves around him and I know that he is the center of your world too." She assured me that sometimes you just have to "do you." You have to be strong. I explained to her that he has always done thins to me, walk away from problems that he couldn't figure out or be bothered with. She said to take the time to focus on myself and keep myself occupied and find who Kera is. "Hopefully CK will come to his senses and come back."She had said before that sometimes you have to go far before you can come back home. "If you are the one and it is meant to be then you guys will cross again...if it's meant to be then you will be together again."

"I love CK to death but you should never wait for any man, go live your life, see what's out there for you, don't wait for CK...the best way to get back at him is to 'do you' and look hot...you don't want him to think that you only want him because you can't find anyone else." I cried as she talked. It did help. She said that CK is in an experimental stage, she talked about how he called her up and told her that he made his own dinner and how excited he was to be able to cook for himself. She said that when he was here last weekend he ate dinner and did the dishes, she was shock and he said "well I have to lean to do the dishes now." I liked that but it didn't have to happen at the price of our relationship.

"You guys were together for so long and you were committed so I know that it's hard but you have to be strong. You never want him to see that you're falling apart because that would just discourage him." I have to be strong, stay beautiful. The vest way to get back at him to be hot and strong so that he sees what he gave him and come crawling back. That was her message because CK is difficult and spoiled.

An Email to Ck

I was just sitting in bed last night and your mom decided to come and talk. She explains how you are. She goes, "did't I warn you years ago that CK was selfish? He's an only child and he's always been this way...you should ask Eucal..." Yea I remember the warnings but it was a joke then but I see how true it is now. she tells me that you don't like dealing with anything or anyone that is work. The first class you dropped in NJIT was Philosophy Because you just didn't get the abstract aspect of it, if a tree falls in the forest does it make a sound...You couldn't get it, you were asking for the size of the tree, the distance and etc. She goes, "he's good with math and anything with steps and calculators but he doesn't do well with abstract.

She says you have always been harsh and blunt, that you don't know how to soften your words. She says that charities starts at home but that you never learned how to turn your switch off when you got home. When you were three years old a few of the neighborhood kids came by and you guys were playing with your toys, one of the few times that you share, that you suddenly had enough of the sharing, got up, took your toys and went in the house. The kids started crying loudly and your mom said that you were oblivious to why. She said that at the age of three you had already been selfish. Some people grow out of their childhood temperament but you haven't grown up at all.

She jokingly said that I should have learned to be like her, pick a fight with you before you had to chance to complain about something so that you'd forget about it by the time I'm done. "I hope he mellow as he gets older" she said. I hope so too. For your sake. You have always thrown people out and she reminded me about Roy, how you two were such good friends but there's no gray line with you, no middle ground. "It's CK's way or no way...that's the nature of CK." What's sad is that I have to see all of that now after I have loved you unconditionally for nine years. I loved you and it was natural to see the best in you, the same way that you are the best in your mom's heart. I accepted your "short comings."

Just two months ago she was telling me that when we get married I have to wear white, you were sitting in the dining room when she said it. Today she apologies for the "monster" she had created. I don't talk about you or what happen anymore but now and then your mom comes up and explains you to me and apologies because she knows you and she says she knows how spoiled and how selfish you are. She said that she wasn't the average mother, she was liberal and she taught you to stand firm, to have your own opinion. She said that she made sure you knew that she always had your back, that you will always have her to fall back on. That's why you are so confident, you have no inhibition because subconsciously you know that you can never fall because there's always her there to catch you. She told me of when you spun out the day we left Baltimore Aquarium, she freaked out but she said she couldn't be mad because she was the one that told you to tell her anything, no matter what you did she will always help you. It had created such confidence in you. She says it sucks that I don't have that. I was the fall back person but I never had anyone that I believe would catch me. I don't feel bad that I don't have it, I didn't have it to begin with to know any different but I envy you. I was thrown out of our home with nowhere to go to. It great that your parents are understanding but they are your parents. You're right, "too bad for me, sucks to be me," I "don't have that luxury" but to be completely homeless is a strange feeling.

You don't know how to consider what someone may be feeling. You say the harshest things and the meanest things and you don't care if it's hurtful. You mom just told me of when Roy came to visit, you said that his jacket was "ugly" and your mom goes "CK that is mean" and you replied, "what? it is ugly, what can I say." You are that same way with me, the difference is that we are together and there's more odds of that happening. It's not that I don't like your constructive criticisms but you criticize me all the time, big things, small things, my food, my cooking. Sometimes I know it's a joke but you do it so often that it always affects me. Then you get upset if I don't see one as a joke as oppose to another, and you get upset that I'm upset. That's why. You do it with your mom too but she's your mom, she can curse you out and then back to normal because she is your mother but I was you spouse, its different because I am not like your mother, I didn't raise you, I didn't grow up with you so I wouldn't react to what you say the same way she would.

She says that you are so set in your ways and the way she has raised you have made you blind to others, that if someone isn't like you then something was wrong with them. She told me about when you two were at Verizon how you disrespected and embarrassed the female employee there. She was so embarrassed that she just gave you a new phone. You didn't know it but you do that and if I tell you then you just simply tell me to get a helmet. You "don't know how to soften your words, don't know how to turn off that coarseness" with me. Your mom said that she did talk to you about it two weeks later. You think people should know what you know and be the same way that you are. You don't see that we are all different. You and I were raised differently but I was always a good person, I don't apologies for that because it had always made people like me. I am not as naive as you think, you see me one way at home and you assume that I am that way. I didn't survive this long by being naive. I chose to be good with you. There's a time place for everything. When you get home, its home.

It doesn't really help me to know all of this about you now. I have always know you were this way but to here it being explained just confirms to me that you are final. You will never grow up. Your mom and I hope that you do start to mellow and see that you have been wrong about the aspects of your life that you couldn't fit into a math equation. You chose to throw out people that you cared about because you are selfish. To hear that you have always been this way scares me because you are still the same person. You have not grown up one bit. You used me for nine years. How can you want something but allow it to fail because you were too selfish to deal with an effort. Your mom says, "when he doesn't want to deal with something he just leaves the room and go 'what you're still here?'" So true. You actually do that a lot. If you can't figure it out mathematically you just leave it. "I'm afraid that he will end up alone"

Your mom is awesome and I envy you. My parents doesn't know and will just embarrassed that their only daughter left them for a man only to be thrown out. Just as predicted. I never cared about what people though or said. I loved you that much and all I cared about was us.

I do hope that you grow up, we both hope so because if you throw everyone that matters out then you will end up with nothing but an empty apartment. I love you and I hate you. It's been one month and I have only been able to go two days without crying. I am done with it. I am tired. I am sick. I just can't accept. I try to pretend what's it's like to be you, how much fun it must be to be able to use someone that loves you without caring about them. Must be so liberating. Must be great to be able to use the excuse of "I am what I am" to break Kera's heart. I wonder how cold I'd have to be to do what you did to me. To watch me love you and let it failed because you couldn't find a calculator to figure me out. You have lied to me for so long that you don't know whats real anymore, omission is lying also. You have broken me so many times and I never leaned from it. I was stupid, I just kept on loving you like that annoying Engergizer bunny. I do hope that you grow up, see yourself from my point of view, see how much I love you and then feel how hurt I am. "He is harsh...blunt...he doesn't know how to soften his words" but will you ever see that that's what you do? Sometime you just have to look at yourself and analyze you. You have to be a certain way in the corporate wold but when you are home, it's home, it's security, it's love but you have never learned to see me as that, so much negative vibes because there's no mutual ground, no room for us to communicate and meet halfway. "It's CK's way or no way" your mom said. You are what you are but you don't have to be that way all the time, "home is where charity begins" you mom says that's what her mother always says. "You spoil him" she says to me now. I have. I let you walk all over me even after you said you wouldn't. You treat the person you love and strangers the same way. The only different is that we shared a life together. You disrespect me the same way you disrespect a dumb Verizon employee. You don't differentiate the two. I always use to excuse what you say and do wrong with the fact that I know your a single child. I brush a lot of things off because "Jamaican men are cold" your mom says. I brush things off because I know that I don't often mean what I say but at least I know that I am doing it but you don't.

It's easier to hate you now than to love you because feeling for you will only remind me that you used me, lied to me and threw me out. I remember when my uncle threw out his dog Lucky two years ago, he drove to Mercer park, let Lucky out and drove off, the dog followed for miles and finally gave up. I give up. I was that dog and I am done chasing you because you will never see the wrong in anything that you do because "thats the nature of Chris...he is selfish." You mom has explained a lot and I accept that 'it is what it is". You would say "deal with it" because it's easy for you to throw people out but you keep forgetting that I am a person, I sacrificed EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING and my family for us to be together and now I am homeless. My family doesn't know, only Billy knows. No one knows and I just have to go far away and erase my life from my memories because I'd rather have no memories than to remember that I loved you and you chose to throw me out, metaphorically, literally, in every way, I was thrown out of our home. Home is where the heart is and I have none of that.

I had the strangest dream. For the first time it wasn't sad like it's been for the past month. In it I was in Washington state and the Canadian territories above it. I was there working, temporary. There was a man name Lavin, strange name but in it he liked me, loved me, something like that. I was there for a few months and had gotten to know him. The strange things was that I never saw his face, it was like one of those mysterious movies where the person is only shown from the neck down but there was a mutual interest. In the end of the dream I was leaving and walking away from a restaurant where we had just, ate?, and he wrapped his arms around my waist and held up a ring in his right hand and ask me to marry him. It was a princess cute diamond ring with black diamond all around it. I don't remember answering him.

I woke up feeling better. I don't want to think about CK anymore. He doesn't love me and that's final.He says he hates everything about my culture, my people, everything outside of me that is part of my identity. I can't accept that. Nine years and he tells me he hates Asian people and can care less about Asian countries. Wow. Nine years he used me. If you don't love someone you were just using them. He used me for nine years.

I am in a dark place. I don't know if I have gone into a depressive state or if I am just sad. 15 pounds in just three weeks is a lot to lose and I don't know how to diagnose myself. CK's mom says that I should see a therapist/psychiatrist. I sit in the attic all day and I walk around the city all evening. I cry in between everything that I do. I try not to think but it's hard not to see his face after nine years together. I haven't yet learn how not to think of him. Everything reminds me of us. Everything.

I am in a dark place. CK's mom thinks so and it shows in my art works. I am extremely sad. I cry all day, various points in the days but all day. I have only been able to go through two days without crying since. I can't stand it. I don't know how to be. I can't do anything without my heart beating loudly in my chest. It has been breaking and I hear it. My chest has been hurting. Like the tightening pain of hiccups. I hear it loudly when I lay my head down.

I am hurting so bad and he is sleeping peacefully. He has always done this to me and I thought that he had change. The last time he broke my heart like this was five years ago. Who knew he was still the same person he always was. Will he ever grow up? Nine years his name and face are tattooed onto my heart. I can't just forget that we ever happened. I can't stop loving him even though I should.

Warned

CK's mom bought me a bag of bulk chocolate from Gertude Hawk. Yumm. Ate them all in one hour. We had dinner and talked about CK again.
She came up to the attic to see me before bed, see the photoshop arts that I did that kept me from coming down to dinner last night. Actually I didn't go down because I had been crying over my mom's miss calls, her wanting to talk to me and me nothing knowing what to do. CK's mom analyzed the art as me trying to find myself and there's dark parts of my life holding me back. She says that I am in a dark place but the suns is coming down. It always comes up. She says the only visible part of my fragile face. Everything is dark and the wings aren't angelic white, the color and weight of my life.

We started talking and it lead to talking about CK. She talked about how close they are and that he is fortunate and then we talked about how I had no one. CK has no inhibition because he has always had his mother to fall back on, it has given him confidence and he does what he wants knowing that she will not judge, that she will always support him. i don't have that. I have no one so i have always had to be cautious, always have to look out for myself. I have always been the fall back person for my brothers but I have no one. I don't pity myself but it's lonely. I told her because I was never close with my parents that I don't even know how to talk to them about the break up. If I've never shared anything with them before than I can't just spring out bad news on them.

She jokingly said, "didn't I warned you years ago that CK is extremely selfish? He is the only child" and she narrated numerous stories of when he was young and even at the age of three he was selfish. He refused to share his toys and when he did he's snatch it back when he decides it's enough. She said "I think I've created a monster" She teaches him to hold his ground, to have an opinion, and all the strong qualities but she said that he never learned to turn off the switch when he was suppose to. She wanted him to know that home was where charity begins and that he never realize that. The world is full of jerks and assholes but he didn't have to treat me that way when he got home. Teaching it and doing it to me were two different things. She said he never learned that. He is "arrogant" and "full of himself" She says that she knows how he is but hopes that he will grow up soon, that he will "mellow as he gets older." He doesn't like dealing with people and things that he doesn't understand. Like his best friend Roy who he decided to forget. He does that to people.

She told me that what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. I know that but it's not easy to sacrifice him for that. She said that he is tactile and there's no gray line, he doesn't like dealing with things that he can't easily figure out. He was always good in math and technical things but dropped his first class ever, Philosophy in college. There's no gray line with him. Life is a spreadsheet for him and there's no room for happiness because to get it you'd have to let loose and drop the computation. He is too much of a rock. It sucks that CK's mom is telling me all of this now. I've heard fragments of it before but never knew how true it was until now. "He is selfish" she says "it's his way or no way" and that's just the way he is. He doesn't know how to turn off his switch when he gets home. "If it's meant to be then he'll come around...you just have to go far so that you can come back." This will only happen if CK grows up. We are not even sure if he will because that's just the way he is, selfish. She says she'll try to bat some right into him, not to tell him what to do but tell him what is right and what is wrong. What he has done so far is wrong and he will end up lonely for the rest of his life is he doesn't grown up. He will never change but you don't have to change who you are, you just have to add to it.

No one can change CK. Good or bad, if he doesn't want to deal with something he checks out, leaves the room and ignores you. That's CK.

Having to tell my mother

My mom called again today and she left a message. She said, "...I've been calling you, call me back. Have't heard from you and I'm concerned..." I had to call her back.

She ask how I was. and I started talking like normal but then just started crying. She spoke over my cry, "what's the matter, is something wrong." I told her yes. She ask if I had a fight with CK or something. I said yes, and told her that we broke up. I never said anything bad about CK. I don't want them to hate him. I told her her we agreed to take this time for me to focus on myself, my career and just take care of myself.

She said, "see I knew it. You guys waited to long to make a commitment and now it's too late." She said all the thing that a mother would. She was sad for me that I came out of it with nothing.

We talked for two hours and I basically told her that my worth isn't determined by a man because in our culture when a woman is thrown out she's a used up flower, no worth. I told her that I'm fortunate that I'm American because I have an education and I as worthy. I will keep moving forward. We talked about possible places I could look for jobs, talked about learning from what has happen and looking for someone different, someone that wants a commitment and family. "You're getting older" she said, referring to my eggs and I told her that that wasn't important to me. I lied. It was. I wanted CK's children. I wanted a marriage, not a wedding, but a good marriage but he threw me out.

I told my mom that I had no choice but to keep moving forward. That's life. I hate that I never talk to my parents and the few times that I do- I tell them about the engagement and now this.

What's worst about being thrown out is not having a home to go to. They can't even help me. My mom says that I am a person just floating, with no where to go and no where to go back to. I am just floating.

May 16 Email to Ck

I wanted to remind him of how much he had change and that it was all a lie. These were emails that we sent one another six years ago when were had broken up:

From: Kera
Subject: ---------------------------------------------------KERA-------------------------------------------------
To: "CK"
Date: Monday, June 20, 2005, 9:35 PM

Im sorry if I've been vulgar with you but I would rather you hate me than to tell me that u're not in love with me, its ok, i accept that but it still hurts so bad. i said b4 how in every relationship, one always loves more than the other and I know that u would admit that I am more heavy-hearted than u r. everytime that im with u, i always hav that thought in the back of my mind that tere's a chance we'll work out perfectly but right now, u don't love me so Im taking the time ro ease into that, accept the fact that the person that i've loved for almost 4 years doesn't want me. I honestly do want us to b friends just like last week but it hurts to much for me to forgive u or myself for what happened between us. Seeing u only make me wabt u more, let me try to accept u as a true friend in my head and my heart first b4 I come back around.

From: CK
Subject: Re: --------------------------------------------CK-------------------
To: Kera
Date: Tuesday, June 28, 2005, 5:20 PM

Hi this is just to let u how I feel about this whole thing, its ok if you don’t want to read it I completely understand. I am not even sure if u are going to get it, but this is just a way for me to except what u have decide to do.

Fist off I would like to say that I am proud of what u are trying to accomplish with your live, I know this is important to you, and I do support you hundred percent.

After living my life without you for the past few day, I cant help but to think about the last four years of my life and how did I end up loosing the best thing that every happen to me. I can’t believe that the saying “you never know a good think until it’s gone” could me so true. I do respect you for staying with me and now for not wanting to be with me.

I could have done so much more to make you happy and us a happier couple, not even difficult things, a few smalls’ things could have made so much difference, and I know that now.

The honest reason for why I didn’t do more is I never thought that I would lose you; I honestly didn’t think it was possible, but I was wrong, and now I know. You said in your email that you loved me more, that’s not true but it sure seem that way. It just seem that way because I didn’t feel the need to show u that I loved you because I believe that you would always be their, but now I know.

These past few day I have felt the pain of loosing you, but this pain doesn’t hurt has much has the pain that I have cause you over the years, and knowing how you I made you hurt is even more painful than loosing you. The hardest part of all this is know that I could have done better, and so much more to make us work, but again I know that now. It feels so easy to express my feeling to you now, I truthfully feel closer to you now that we are apart than I ever felt, is that funny. I feel has if I understand why you work that hard to make me happy, and I now feel some of the pain that I cause you.

This is not a letter to try and make you reconsider ,well that not completely true, but is it a letter to make you know that I know what I did wrong, and to from the bottom of my heart I am sorry for the pain that I have cause you, I could have done better.

I guess the theme of this letter is “ I know now” it took you being a strong confident woman that believe in herself and standing up for herself to make me understand what I had and lost.

I hope after tell you this it will help both of us, i know that this is your first steps in becoming a better person, and it taught me a very valuable lesson. So if our hearts should ever cross again I know is will do better. Please know that this was the right step for you to make.

I know you know this but I want to say it because I still and will always care, take care of yourself don’t forget who you are and at all times respect your self, I know that you are out to find fun and happiness, but sometimes these things come at a price, be respectfully and stay true to yourself.

Love always

CK

From: CK
Subject: CK_____________________________________________________________
To: Kera
Date: Tuesday, July 5, 2005, 11:59 PM

Hi

I just feel like writing today, i like expressing me feelings to you, I makes me feel has if I am carrying less stress, and there is someone else that is on me on this journey thru life.

I really hope that I am not just doing this because I miss being with you, but I will try my best to make this attempt for us to have a better, happier relationship.

I really don't have anything to say to you in this letter but I felt like writing. Well lets see, you keep asking me if I believe that we are meant to me, well, I do believe that ever thing happen for a reason. Not quite sure if that answer the question or not.

You and I have something special, not saying that its good or bad, but special, there are times that I cant breathe without you, and then there are times that I don't want to see you.

I think I would be happier to be miserable with you than one day to be without you. One of the things that I was thinking about last week is that we need more fun and happiness in our relationship. I am now open to trying new things with you whenever we get a chance. Yea I said it. We have a lot of potential, together, and I am not getting ahead of myself by saying this. This trying to communicate with each other for what like the ten is our last hope to be together; I am willing to give it all I got.

CK

P. S

We better have I lot of phone sex to satisfy my sex drive, no better yet it our sex drive. J

And remind me to ask you what's the obsession with the word exotic, and you better be willing to live up to that name that you have given your self