Email to CK

I know that you will always be successful in the corporate world. Being at Lockheed has made you so much stronger and so much more confident than you already were. At the same time every aspect of your life will always be the same. I'm afraid you will continue to use people. You have had friends, good friends but you have a habit of throwing people away. You were never friendless but you have always been inappropriate in using them and losing them, men and women. The same way that you just decided not to deal with Roy and any of your other friends that you have had throughout your life. You throw people away. You use people. You use every woman that you have ever met but I was the one that had it the worst. I was the one that you were able to destroy.

You think that just by hoping that I will be OK will erase what you did? Since you have no guilt and no conscience you "really don't give a fuck" your words to me when I ask if you cared what happens to me. You said 'I really don't give a fuck." Nine years and I didn't know that this was how you felt about me or that you would ever talk to me like that. If only people knew. Nine years I was good to you and you tell me that you don't give a fuck about me. I knew that you don't give a fuck but to kick me when I was already down? So this is what happens to women after you have used them. In the end you have been merciful to all the other girls you've used and I was punished for everything that you did, all that you are. I was the one that had it worst.

"It takes a big man to love a perfect women" and it takes the worst type of human to destroy one. You are the worst type of human, you're sneaky, manipulative, and cold blooded. If only your mom know what a worst monster you are. "I'm sorry" she said, "I'm afraid I've created a monster." You are worst than that. Now you admit to me they I was never part of your plans, of course not, you don't make plans but that was a convenient enough excuse you pulled out of your ass. So I was never part of your plan but I was just there to see how you can fit me into your convenience. Thanks for that clarification. I should have seen it all long but I didn't. I was "the good wife." You threw me out an empty shell. I have to learn how to be all over again without even remembering how I was before you. I gave you all of my love and now I am just a empty person. Maybe it's a better thing that I have already been through hell because of you, everything else should be easy since I don't have a heart to feel from anymore. I have nothing left but an empty shell, homeless, and pitied.

I pray for you success but I don't even have to wonder about you getting what you deserve in all other aspects of your life. It's obvious. You will continue to use and lose people. You will always get what you deserve in life and since you are so concerned with karma then you already know that you really will get this back. You don't have to worry about hell for a long time but it's the worst human beings like you that ends up coming home to furnitures but alone. Money can't buy what you throw out and I have always been the type of person that wasn't interested in money or material things and you can't give me that. I am priceless.

I have met people in the past few days that have made me feel even more beautiful, just strangers, older citizens mainly, black and white, that would have enough life experience to talk to. They kept asking why I looked so sad even when I smiled and I told them everything, no bias. It's better to vent out to stranger that will see it all subjectively. It feels better to hear them say that I was too good and listed why. "A good woman is rare and you can spot her right away because she has a aura...that's why we like you." It also "takes a man with eyes to see it." You have never seen me. You have alway looked at me through a spreadsheet and how I fit into it. As much as I love you, you don't deserve me. I've never talked to anyone about how I felt or the relationship but I understand why it was easy for a good woman to be used, because she loves, she hope he will open his eyes but some men deserves what they get, not what you want to give them. "In life you don't always get what you want but you always get what you need" "A man that know's a woman's worth will do everything for her...will make sure she knows it" I guess this was the only way that I was going to see you for who you really were. You're just a cold, selfish person. I can't even call you 'cold hearted' because you don't have a heart. I had always seen you in sight a beautiful light when you were just a wolf in sheep skin.

I understand. You had to hurt me because that's what you do. You had to use me because you use people to get by. I haven't learned the art of 'not crying' over pain yet but as much as it hurts I know that I am better than the way that you treat me because a good woman is a good woman. I was a shell of my previous self but "a diamond with flaws will always be worth more than a pebble without imperfections." Old people has a saying for everything. Just because you destroyed me doesn't mean I am worth any less.There are more women then men in the world but "it takes a certain type man to see through the pile of shit and spot a flower blossoming amongst them." Funny but true. I remember that you like shit. You always mess with shitty fugly women and I thought that something was wrong with me.

The flaw of a woman is that she takes care of her family and sacrifices herself for them. I did forget about myself. I loved you too much that I neglected myself, we both neglected me. I have myself back now and I really love myself. I love my body, I have perfect hair, I have always has silky skin, and I just need a bit more makeup. I was jogging, in the rain, the other day and one of the doctor that I recognize from the hospital pulled up, in a Porches no less, and yelled "slow down, you're what are you trying to lose?" "I'm trying to get toned" I yelled" and he says, "you have curves, you're going to lose them." That made my day, it was probably just sweet talk but it was nice. Nice that someone saw me. You never saw me, you see me through your bias 'CK's peripheral. I wonder how much it cost him to say that because you were never able to afford those words.

I understand that there's still things that I have to get for myself, career and such, but to do it at the cost of losing nine years of my life and my heart doesn't seen worth it. That's life. I am beautiful, I am young and I have always been strong. I choose to be the woman in the relationship but I have always known how to put on the pants. It's pathetic to see how much I loved you, to see that I actually made you my all. I deserve it because I loved too much. You should never love anything too much because it will just hurt more when it all goes to shit. I see that you have never had that problem. You love CK and CK isn't leaving himself. I know that I will always love you but I am also learning to hate you. I will never forgive you, that's just the way it is but I have to remember all that you mom has tried to excuse you from. I have held your hands long enough. Nine years I loved you completely. Since you threw me out I have to accept that I am trash to you. You treated me like trash but one man's trash is another man's treasure right? Sounds awful when talking about a person but that's what it is. You have never loved me so you can go back to telling yourself that you did nothing wrong because you did say that you hope I'll be OK. That justifies everything you do. You deserve all the bad Karma that you have coming, ten folds. I deserve everything good because I made sure that I was always good, no matter what. I was always good to you. I was good to everyone and I deserve good Karma.