The nature of a monster

Looking back I don't think that he ever loved me. He used me. He never really wanted it to work, didn't want us to last. I was just the default person that he comes back to when no one else tolerated him. He told his friends Arjun two years ago that the reason why he hasn't sent me back to Trenton yet was because he couldn't fins someone else. I believe that to be true now. He was just using me until he found someone else. Those were his words. I accept.

He never did care. He says that he doesn't like Asian people, Asian countries, so I was just used. Used for nine years. It hurts but that's the nature of life. Some of us get used and some uses others to get what's wanted. I was the weak one, the one that followed my heart. I was used by CK. He is just a bad nightmare. He is poison, the worst type of people to ever exist. He used me and threw me out.

We never broke up. I was thrown out and forced to deal with it. I am dealing. We didn't break up. It just ended when he threw me out.

Silly me to think that he ever loved me. Silly me to have been used and not even know the symptoms. I do hate the person that he is but I still love the person that I loved. He is a monster and I see that now. He is simply selfish and cold hearted. I have to accept things for what they are. I fell in love with a monster and it ended. I should be thankful.

He doesn't deserve to be happy because he refuses to accept happiness. He doesn't deserve a good person by his side because he will only murder them. He deserves nothing but the karma that he has accumulated.

It's OK. I accept. I was used for nine years and he threw me out. I accept. I accept that his reasons were selfish ones but that's just the nature of a monster. He looks out for himself and destroy anyone and everyone that he no longer has a use for. If he is able to be this selfish to me and this murderous toward me than he never loved me at all. Any smidgen of love would have made him think, would have made him communicate, would have made him pretend that he wanted it to work. There were never any love from him. I was basically whoring myself with him and he was a cheap client. I have nothing to show for the nine years together. Nothing but bags of my life handed back to me.

He does what he wants and doesn't care who he hurts. The nature of CK. He deserves what he gets from now. Success will not the security, love, and faithfulness. He will alway end up alone because he is too selfish to love, too selfish to put someone before him, too selfish to make someone his all when he, himself, is his all. All that he has done to me I hope that he gets it all back ten folds. I hope he gets it all back. Karma is a bitch. I pray that he will get it and God is just.