Learning to hate

Ck got here at about 7:30. The family sat down to dinner and everyone talked as always. I acted normal, as normal as I could. After dinner CK went to the attic, our ex shared room. I wanted to talk. Ask to be normal.

I walked in as he was laying in bed. I as, "so you have nothing to say to me"

"No" He said, "like what"

I don't know" I said "I want us to be normal.

I tried to talk to him, always trying because he was always multitasking with his phone and the TV and fits me in if he can. I basically repeated the same questions I've always asked. It started out with us just simply talking normal, trying to answer, trying not to get upset. he laughed here and there thinking I was funny. I tried to be funny but there were points where I dug into it and ask how he could have been so murderous, so cold. I called him names and ask how he could do this to me.

He gave me a textbook reason to why it did't work, like, "we weren't getting what we wanted out of the relationship and were't where we wanted to be in life..." No true because we never even communicated those things. I called him more names and repeated the same questions again. he eventually got frustrated, said this is why he always hated talking to me. He eventually told me that it is what it is, that no one forced me into the relationship so its my fault that I was hurt, because I chose it. He just doesn't care.

I ask how he can be so cold. How? He was just so cold. No guilt, no remorse. He just kept brushing everything that I said off as if it was nothing. He just stopped caring about me. He didn't care anymore. How did it change so fast? I was used for nine years and I am no better than all of the girls he screwed with in the past, the only different was that I was so kind and selfless that it made it easy for him. He just doesn't want it and tells me to just accept it. It's not that easy. You can't just suddenly turn off your switch.

I left the room and went to sleep in one of the spare bedrooms downstairs. As I left I told him that I wish he will one day be in a relationship where someone will do the same thing to him that he did to me, that it was the only way he will ever know how it feels. I told him that I hate him. and left.

I hate him. I hate him.