The blog has been down for a few days. It's finally working again.

CK texted me on Tuesday telling me to take the money out of his household card. I had it with me because I was in charged of the household. There was about $500. I cried. It tore me up. Nine years and all that I was worth was $500. It's not about money but to be told that I should take it and use it made me feel odd. It made me feel like I was so small. worth so little. Nine years. i was there from the beginning and I was worth $500.

He will be starting his new job and his new life in Townson, MD next Monday. Am I suppose to be happy for him? Even though it was suppose to be our life together there?

I guess it takes the person that you love most to murder you in order for you to see how blind love was. I loved him so much that I didn't see the killer in him. He is cold and he has always been selfish. I see it subjectively now that I look at it from the outside. He was always so selfish. Always about him and no one else. He used me for nine years. He sabotaged us when it stopped benefiting him. I was never first in his life and I have always known that but I never knew the extent or the degree of where I stood. I was nothing to him. Just a woman that was easy for him to use because I had loved him that much. He will never been a man in love with one woman. He will always be a man thats uses women or even men.

I wouldn't be surprised to find out that he is gay, sarcasm, since he has always wanted someone that was just like him. He thinks so highly of himself, so "arrogant" that the only person that will be good enough for him is a man that is the mirror image of him.

I do really deserve someone better and I know that I will find that person. I want better for me. I don't want a person like CK. I don't want a murderer.