She says you have always been harsh and blunt, that you don't know how to soften your words. She says that charities starts at home but that you never learned how to turn your switch off when you got home. When you were three years old a few of the neighborhood kids came by and you guys were playing with your toys, one of the few times that you share, that you suddenly had enough of the sharing, got up, took your toys and went in the house. The kids started crying loudly and your mom said that you were oblivious to why. She said that at the age of three you had already been selfish. Some people grow out of their childhood temperament but you haven't grown up at all.
She jokingly said that I should have learned to be like her, pick a fight with you before you had to chance to complain about something so that you'd forget about it by the time I'm done. "I hope he mellow as he gets older" she said. I hope so too. For your sake. You have always thrown people out and she reminded me about Roy, how you two were such good friends but there's no gray line with you, no middle ground. "It's CK's way or no way...that's the nature of CK." What's sad is that I have to see all of that now after I have loved you unconditionally for nine years. I loved you and it was natural to see the best in you, the same way that you are the best in your mom's heart. I accepted your "short comings."
Just two months ago she was telling me that when we get married I have to wear white, you were sitting in the dining room when she said it. Today she apologies for the "monster" she had created. I don't talk about you or what happen anymore but now and then your mom comes up and explains you to me and apologies because she knows you and she says she knows how spoiled and how selfish you are. She said that she wasn't the average mother, she was liberal and she taught you to stand firm, to have your own opinion. She said that she made sure you knew that she always had your back, that you will always have her to fall back on. That's why you are so confident, you have no inhibition because subconsciously you know that you can never fall because there's always her there to catch you. She told me of when you spun out the day we left Baltimore Aquarium, she freaked out but she said she couldn't be mad because she was the one that told you to tell her anything, no matter what you did she will always help you. It had created such confidence in you. She says it sucks that I don't have that. I was the fall back person but I never had anyone that I believe would catch me. I don't feel bad that I don't have it, I didn't have it to begin with to know any different but I envy you. I was thrown out of our home with nowhere to go to. It great that your parents are understanding but they are your parents. You're right, "too bad for me, sucks to be me," I "don't have that luxury" but to be completely homeless is a strange feeling.
You don't know how to consider what someone may be feeling. You say the harshest things and the meanest things and you don't care if it's hurtful. You mom just told me of when Roy came to visit, you said that his jacket was "ugly" and your mom goes "CK that is mean" and you replied, "what? it is ugly, what can I say." You are that same way with me, the difference is that we are together and there's more odds of that happening. It's not that I don't like your constructive criticisms but you criticize me all the time, big things, small things, my food, my cooking. Sometimes I know it's a joke but you do it so often that it always affects me. Then you get upset if I don't see one as a joke as oppose to another, and you get upset that I'm upset. That's why. You do it with your mom too but she's your mom, she can curse you out and then back to normal because she is your mother but I was you spouse, its different because I am not like your mother, I didn't raise you, I didn't grow up with you so I wouldn't react to what you say the same way she would.
She says that you are so set in your ways and the way she has raised you have made you blind to others, that if someone isn't like you then something was wrong with them. She told me about when you two were at Verizon how you disrespected and embarrassed the female employee there. She was so embarrassed that she just gave you a new phone. You didn't know it but you do that and if I tell you then you just simply tell me to get a helmet. You "don't know how to soften your words, don't know how to turn off that coarseness" with me. Your mom said that she did talk to you about it two weeks later. You think people should know what you know and be the same way that you are. You don't see that we are all different. You and I were raised differently but I was always a good person, I don't apologies for that because it had always made people like me. I am not as naive as you think, you see me one way at home and you assume that I am that way. I didn't survive this long by being naive. I chose to be good with you. There's a time place for everything. When you get home, its home.
It doesn't really help me to know all of this about you now. I have always know you were this way but to here it being explained just confirms to me that you are final. You will never grow up. Your mom and I hope that you do start to mellow and see that you have been wrong about the aspects of your life that you couldn't fit into a math equation. You chose to throw out people that you cared about because you are selfish. To hear that you have always been this way scares me because you are still the same person. You have not grown up one bit. You used me for nine years. How can you want something but allow it to fail because you were too selfish to deal with an effort. Your mom says, "when he doesn't want to deal with something he just leaves the room and go 'what you're still here?'" So true. You actually do that a lot. If you can't figure it out mathematically you just leave it. "I'm afraid that he will end up alone"
Your mom is awesome and I envy you. My parents doesn't know and will just embarrassed that their only daughter left them for a man only to be thrown out. Just as predicted. I never cared about what people though or said. I loved you that much and all I cared about was us.
I do hope that you grow up, we both hope so because if you throw everyone that matters out then you will end up with nothing but an empty apartment. I love you and I hate you. It's been one month and I have only been able to go two days without crying. I am done with it. I am tired. I am sick. I just can't accept. I try to pretend what's it's like to be you, how much fun it must be to be able to use someone that loves you without caring about them. Must be so liberating. Must be great to be able to use the excuse of "I am what I am" to break Kera's heart. I wonder how cold I'd have to be to do what you did to me. To watch me love you and let it failed because you couldn't find a calculator to figure me out. You have lied to me for so long that you don't know whats real anymore, omission is lying also. You have broken me so many times and I never leaned from it. I was stupid, I just kept on loving you like that annoying Engergizer bunny. I do hope that you grow up, see yourself from my point of view, see how much I love you and then feel how hurt I am. "He is harsh...blunt...he doesn't know how to soften his words" but will you ever see that that's what you do? Sometime you just have to look at yourself and analyze you. You have to be a certain way in the corporate wold but when you are home, it's home, it's security, it's love but you have never learned to see me as that, so much negative vibes because there's no mutual ground, no room for us to communicate and meet halfway. "It's CK's way or no way" your mom said. You are what you are but you don't have to be that way all the time, "home is where charity begins" you mom says that's what her mother always says. "You spoil him" she says to me now. I have. I let you walk all over me even after you said you wouldn't. You treat the person you love and strangers the same way. The only different is that we shared a life together. You disrespect me the same way you disrespect a dumb Verizon employee. You don't differentiate the two. I always use to excuse what you say and do wrong with the fact that I know your a single child. I brush a lot of things off because "Jamaican men are cold" your mom says. I brush things off because I know that I don't often mean what I say but at least I know that I am doing it but you don't.
It's easier to hate you now than to love you because feeling for you will only remind me that you used me, lied to me and threw me out. I remember when my uncle threw out his dog Lucky two years ago, he drove to Mercer park, let Lucky out and drove off, the dog followed for miles and finally gave up. I give up. I was that dog and I am done chasing you because you will never see the wrong in anything that you do because "thats the nature of Chris...he is selfish." You mom has explained a lot and I accept that 'it is what it is". You would say "deal with it" because it's easy for you to throw people out but you keep forgetting that I am a person, I sacrificed EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING and my family for us to be together and now I am homeless. My family doesn't know, only Billy knows. No one knows and I just have to go far away and erase my life from my memories because I'd rather have no memories than to remember that I loved you and you chose to throw me out, metaphorically, literally, in every way, I was thrown out of our home. Home is where the heart is and I have none of that.
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