Don't have the luxury to fail

He says that I just have to do what I have to do. It's unfair for him to tell me that when he has his family to fall back on, not that he needs that now but he has always have help. "You don't have that luxury" he says "so you can't afford to fail." I understand that its easy for him to say it because he has no idea how that feels like. He lived at home, saved money before he ever moved it. His mom showers him with gifts and always buys us things for the house. I am starting with nothing. "Stop being your own pity party" he says to me "You're always scared to fail."

Cold, unconcerning and dismissive words from the man that I loved, the man that I thought cared about me. What happened to him. Did the past two years ruined him that much? Was it that miserable and unbearable that he has the need to treat me the way that he does now? I don't deserve to be talked to like this at all.

I knew that he would be in the house all day yesterday so I made sure that I went out for my walk, jog, whatever it was. I was out for six hours. I just didn't want to see him and started crying in a full house. I came back in the house at 6 p.m. and I hear him say "hay" looking at me from the dining room I looked around as if he was talking to someone else in the house. "You're talking to me?" I ask since he hasn't said a word to me until now. "You've been gone all day" he said. "Of course" I answered" I have nothing to say to you and you obviously have nothing to say to me other than 'oh, I have nothing to say' to me." I sat in the dining room with him waiting to hear something different. "You look good" he said "Really?" I snapped "You're going to compliment me now? You're seeing it now? I was this weight two weeks ago before you broke up with me, you didn't see it because you didn't want to." I can't remember what else was said between the long silence and eye contacts. I just remember ending it with "Yea you have nothing to say. 'deal with it right'? That's what you're going to tell me" I yelled under my voice. I walk out and said "Fuck me right? Fuck me!"

I tried to talk to him last night while we were laying on the opposite side of the bed, our bed, in our old room. I tried to dig into him for answers and he kept getting frustrated and turning over to watch TV. He has never been able to focus on one thing at a time. He always multi-task between the laptop, on the game console and pretending to listen to me talk. He said sorry a few time depending on what I was exclaiming that I was hurt by. Never apologetic, just mild sorries He fell asleep after an hour of me talking. "this is why I don't like talking to you" he said "because you always hear what you want to and twist up everything I say." Annoyingly I snapped "Oh you talk to me? I thought you said you don't like to communicated. I am just trying to get the truth out of you because you seem to change your excuses all the time, contradicting yourself every time I repeat a question."

"So how did it feel" I ask "when you were packing all of my things into bags?"

"I felt bad" he said "It felt wrong but then I got here and you started talking to me and then I remember why I did it" I remember starting to cry, I muffled my face into a pillow and he began to fall asleep. I cried about an hour and eventually feel asleep.

I cried all morning before he left. He tried to rub my shoulder twice. "Sorry" he said. At 1 p.m. he got his things and walk pass me. A last "sorry" before we left the house. I cried loudly into the pillow. I couldn't muffle it enough. It hurts too much. Since the break up I have only been able to go through one day of dry eye.