Another email to CK after talking to his mom

As much as it hurts I can't help but be happy for you at the same time. I ask your mom how you're doing all the time as if it matters to me. I forget that I was asking about the Chris that threw me out. I can't believe that I am happy for you when this should have been our new life together. I was always excited about our move but at least one of us it living it. But that's life. You have never fully loved so you wouldn't understand selflessness, that's not something you're born with or learn to do, it's something that you become when you love someone. I understand I got screwed over and used for nine years but, LIFE right?! What doesn't kill me makes you stronger. I have always been strong. I just had a weakness for you and high hope for us. I just loved you too much because I thought that you were doing all of this for us. I thought wrong. You were doing it for you and I just happened to love you enough for you to justify using me."No one force you to be in it." Yea but that doesn't justify you doing it.

I didn't have an easy life. I had it hard since I was twelve so I should never have had so much faith in people. I never should have believe in you. I have never had anyone and I just fell hard for you and thought you'd be the one to catch me but I'm a big girl now. I don't believe in love anymore. Life is hard but nothing compares to this. I would rather be tortured in some third country than to have my heart broken by you. To be used by someone you don't care about hurts less then to be broken by the person that you love. It hurts deeper. The harder you love the harder you hurt. You wouldn't know what that's like. I have held your hands for nine years and now I have learned that when you love something you just have to let it go. Makes no sense but then again it makes complete sense, it's selflessness. I loved you too much to not see that you were using me and I love you too much to let you throw me away. I have to learn to let it all go now.

I have always had guys hitting on me but I loved one man. It was easy to ignore advances because I was always in love with you. I told you that in the past two years I wasn't happy all day every day but I was always happy. I felt that tomorrow will be the day the cycle ends. Silly right? because at the same time you were just using me, not wanting it to work. That got me no where. I will always love you but you have betrayed me in the worst way.

I have always been attractive. I have always been that gorgeous 'where is she from' girl. I have always been that "Asian looking" girl with "cat eyes." I am still that. I have never lost my self confident but your words were the only words that I have ever been sensitive to because yours were the only ones that mattered to me. I had become comfortable but it's something that was easily solved. Problem solved, *check mark!*

I am excited for you. I wish more than anything that I was there with you but I don't deserve anything good in life, I've come to that conclusion based on all that has happened to me my entire life. I was always hopelessly in love with you and now I accept that I am alone, I have been alone all along.

I know that Andrew has an interview in Baltimore I truly hope that he gets a job there because it would be nice to have familiar people close by. Cliff and Andrew would be AWESOME to have near when you need to hang out. I have done everything that I could, without your inputs, communication or effort, in taking care of you and us. Material things and money doesn't make or break us, they are creature comforts so you can't use that in your defense. I always say that in every relationship one always loves more than the other. It's still true. I have to pretend that we never happened. I am learning to be Chris.