May15 Email to CK

You tried to give a textbook explanation of why you needed to throw me out. You know that it's a lie. you said, "...it didn't work out...we weren't where we wanted to be in life.." That's a lie because we never even communicated anything like that so what 'un-existing plans' were you referencing that statement to? You never brought up topics like that because you don't like to plan. You never make plans so how is it that out of nowhere you decided that you weren't where you wanted to be. We never had a agreement, never had a timeline of where we wanted to be at X and Y time. You want me to accept that it's all gone to shit now, I do. I accept that were have ended, and not because we broke up but because you threw me out. You threw me out not because the relationship didn't work, obviously it didn't because you wanted it to fail, you said so yourself, that you "never really wanted it to work." I agree that I needed to start my career and it was suppose to be my turn. I was with you from the beginning and throughout your career, it was my turn to do it for us. We agreed that it was my chance to contribute once we moved.

I see how cold you are now. You never gave a shit about me. I see that now. You sit there and you have absolutely nothing to say than to tell me that "it is what it is." Obviously because you have made it that way. You threw me out because you just didn't want it. Not because of the general reasons that you conveniently came up with but because you bailed out when it got hard. You have used me this entire time. I had nothing to gained from it but the possibility of us. I was willing to do anything but you never communicated with me. You never wanted to put in the work. You bailed out because you just didn't know what to do. I accept. You used me. Nine years and you used me.

I never thought that I would have to hear myself say it but you really don't care about me at all. You never did, it was all convenient to you. I was always the back up girl in case testing the water didn't work. You have always used me and it's true if you can say what you said to Arjun. I will never accept your apologies because you have never been apologetic about anything in your life. You screw people over to get by and you have screwed me over to get by the last nine years. It was easy to be with me because I was good. I was always faithful. I was kind and I was the only person that you said you could stand and get along with. You say that everyone gets on your nerves and that I am the only person that you can hang out with and have a good time with doing absolutely nothing with. That was then, before you you became arrogant and forgot that small things makes us happy. You worked hard so that we would have more time and money to enjoy those small things. But that was then, before you became arrogant. Now you are cold enough to tell me that I should blame myself because no one forced me to be in the relationship, that I was hurt because it was my choice. How do you say that? How much colder can you really be?

I hate you and I never thought that I would because I had loved you for so long. I was blind before but I see all the worst in you now. I loved you so much that I never saw it before. you wouldn't understand what that is like, when you love someone so much that you always see the best in them, all the good in them. You don't know what that is like and you never will because you love Chris and Chris is all that matters. You don't care that you have broken me in the process. You said that I never loved myself. I did love myself but I loved you more because you were working and doing everything for us. You use to always tell me that you love me and I always reply with "I love you more" or "I love you too much" and it is true. I did always say that in every relationship one always love more than the other and we see now how true that really is.

You had a saving that you said was for our future. That's why I dedicated so much of me to you but you never saw that. You saw yourself and that was all that you cared about. I was in the plan as long as it benefited you. You used me. You can say whatever you want to make yourself feel right but you used me, the same way you use women, I was just the easiest to use because I loved you and because I was always selfless. I was always good to you in every every way. The only problem was our communication. Everything would have been easily understood and solved if you had communicated from the start. You chose to watch it fail because you just wanted it to, the same way people neglect something that is too much work

I hate you and I know that you don't give a shit about me anymore. I don't know if you ever really did because you have never made me a priority. I hate you and everything that you have become. I hope that you will get all that you have coming. God is just and I pray that he will make you experience it for yourself. You will hurt ten folds more. I pray that you will see what it feels like to be used and broken. I pray that you will feel what I am going through and I hope that I will be there to see you fall apart. I will tell you to "deal with it." You are cold, heartless and you have made me just like you now. You have no conscience, no remorse. You are selfish and you deserve the same negativities in life. You deserve to be treated the way you treat me. Your success will only buy you material things but you will never know what it is like to love and be sincerely-truly loved. The only woman that you will ever have in your life will be your mother.

You can justify it any way that makes you feel better about yourself but you used me, there is no other way of putting it. If you don't love someone then you were using them the remainder of the time. Just because I loved you didn't make it right for you to use me. You could have been humane and broken up with me two years ago. I would have gone through the same things that I am now but at least without knowing that I was used. I would have been as heartbroken but you wouldn't have had the chance to use me like you have for the past two years. I would come out of the relationship thinking that it just didn't work despite all the good, rather than knowing that it fall apart because you wanted it to fall apart. You didn't have to hurt me like this. You didn't have to use me. If you didn't want it to work then you should have broken up with me two years ago. I would have been better off. Why wait until I have dedicated all of me to us, to our future, to the future that we started talking about. I agree that I had to get my career started but if you really did care then you would have allowed me to do that. How dare you talk to me about moving together and talking about jobs I could do and my careers only to snatch it away from me. That was just cold. You are just so cold. That must have been fun for you, like teasing a dog with a bone. God you're cold. You used me because you never dedicated the smallest effort into making it work, no communication because that was too much effort for you. So much time went by and you just stop considering communication because you had never done it previously. You started out with such a small effort that you just eventually stop but then the lack of communication began to affect us as the relationship grew and no one knew how to break the cycle. You caused it

We didn't work out because you didn't want it. No more lies. Yea it's easy for you to say "well it didn't work out [and] it is what it is" but what is is that you never wanted it to work. You wanted it to fail way before it did. You sat and you plotted. You're a monster. You caused this, subconsciously you just gave up and you never bothered to put in the effort. If we never really know how to communicate before, it didn't matter anymore once you decided to bail out two years ago. You caused this. You ruined me. You made it fail and I sat there waiting for a chance to contribute, waiting to move. We never communicated what was really wrong so neither one of us knew what the other was feeling and we both misunderstood the problem in the relationship. We had smaller problem than other couples but we never communicated so it just distant us for no good reason. You wanted us to fail and it did. Happy with yourself?

You never loved me, I accept. You used me, I accept. You don't give a shit about what happen to me now, I accept that too. What I can't understand is how you could have allowed it all to fall apart, how you just decide to let it fail, how you can just sit back and say "let's hope it does get better" as if it didn't matter. Like it didn't matter either way. How can you treat the relationship like it was shit? You take it so lightly and whatever happen happens. You never gave a shit about the relationship. You don't even see that you never actually put in the effort. Working and providing the income doesn't count in this equation, it's not the main thing that makes or break a relationship, it's just creature comfort. You have always chosen to apologize for all the times that you hurt me than to make efforts. Failed efforts would have been an accomplishment, I would have appreciated it but no, you watch it fail from the sideline. I was so blind that I didn't see it. We never communicated. So you are wrong, it failed not because we tried and it just didn't work. It failed because we never communicated and so much time went by that we just didn't know how to. You have always known that I had a hard time initiating a serious conversation, you know that because I use to write letters to you. We guessed everything and guessed wrong. It failed because we didn't make the effort to try and break the cycle. It failed because you bailed out. You bailed out on the "best person" for you because you just didn't want to put in the work. You stopped caring about the relationship and you stopped caring about me. Whenever you make up you mind, right or wrong you always just go with your decision one you've made it and you chose to ruin me just because it was easier than making an effort. I'm shit to you anyways so it was easy for you to just break me and watch me fall apart.

I will never forgive you and I will never accept you sorry ass apologies because you don't mean it. You have put yourself first for so long that you have never had to make anyone else your all. You don't know how to love someone. You used me because I loved you. I was thrown out like a piece of trash, nine years of my life bagged up and dropped off at a house that I don't even belong in. Nine years I loved you. Nine years I put you first and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. I was always so good. I never ask for anything because I wanted us to save for our future. When you offered to give me you diamond earring so that you buy another I said no. I wanted us to save. Why was I so selfless. I wanted everything for us. I stressed for us. Everything about me was for us and I was thrown out like trash. I will never be able to deal with it. I accept what has happen but I will never deal with it because it's not something that can be dealt with. Even if I move on and finds someone better this will always be an unfinished chapter for me. It's easy for you to get over it because I didn't matter to you, I was a piece of trash that you threw out and but I am a person, with a heart, with feelings and emotions. I am not something that you can just use and throw out. I loved you and you lied to me. You used me and you threw me out. I am a person. You say that you treat me good but all that you see is the material part of it. You were always negative, always criticizing. You never knew how to just let loose and enjoy things and you say that we can't have fun together. You have admitted that you don't know how to let loose with me. You are stiff and if I forced anything then you'd accuse me of trying to make you change. You just refuse to 'just be' with me when I was suppose to be the one person that you could 'hang' with and let loose with. You use to but then you became "arrogant". Having fun together doesn't mean you have to do something drastic and subjective like bungee jumping or swinging with the sharks, but you became "arrogant." You tipped your nose up to high that you didn't see my efforts. You decided that you no longer wanted happy, love and security but you wanted things that were labeled as "things that accomplished people should want to do and have."

You became "arrogant" and you chose to forget how much fun we had. Yea we were young then and what we had then made us happen at the time. It should have progressed and the degree of 'fun' should have grown along with us but we never had that chance. You say that it's not just the location, true, it a lot of things. It's the location, it's us never really communicating and neglecting to communicate now, and you refusing to let loose with the person that you, supposedly, loved. We had so much spare time that it made the lack of communication more obvious and the empty silent moments grew. I didn't know how to break the cycle. I wanted to so many times but I was more concerned with making you comfortable because I worried about you. It's easy for you to forget something once you have walked away from it but love isn't like that, it's not that simple. A person's heart doesn't work like that. You threw me out and you walked away. You have forgotten all about me and that's just how you are. Out of sigh and out of mind. You forget my name when I'm not there and now that you have officially thrown me out you will no longer remember that I existed. You will not remember that person that you lied to, used, and threw away like a common trash. You will forget that you ruined me. I am not a common person, I was always so good and I was always good to you because I loved you. You deserved all the good in this world and I was one of it. But you threw it all away. I was too good for you. You were too much of a monster that you would have destroyed me anyways. We are opposites. You use people and all that I do is care about them. You treat relationships lightly because it's not sacred to you. Our relationship meant everything to me because we had a life, we were planning a future and more importantly because I was with the person I love. You don't know what it's like to love someone completely, you have always had women and used women so you wouldn't see me as more than a play thing and I was no longer a convenient. I use to say that I was no better than all those women that you used and I am right. I see how right I was because you have made me just like them now, you used me just the way you used them and they had nothing to gain from you either. Did I walk out with anything to show? "No", I was thrown out with nothing but shame and a broken heart. We were moving into the next stage of life and that was an inconvenient for you because that would have meant more effort but since you never put in the efforts before you just decided to bail out. You said so, "it's too much work." Every excuses that you can find became reasons. If only we had communicated then you wouldn't have been able to use those excuses against us.

Your reasons are yours alone. They are not fair and isn't justified but it's what you want. You sleep easy at night because you are selfish and you only care about you. Throughout our nine years together you have always been selfish, always asking for time apart and I had always given it to you because we were young then. You have always broken my heart but I thought that you had grown up. How was it that you were so much more reasonable and so much more mature years ago. You have turned cold and selfish. I had to read through my old diaries to see that you have AWAYS bailed out when the relationship grew. it's a cycle with you:

September 26, 2002 "I touched his face and told him how much I missed him, he played with my hair, caressed my face and told me how much more beautiful I looked every time he sees me."

We started dating in February 1, 2002 In the third month you were the first to say "I love you", we were in your car by Griffith Electric where you always drop me off.

Oct. 12th, 2002 "We compromised and promised one another that we will always say how we feel about everything." You said, "This is part of a relationship, you're suppose to argue and fight then make up, that's how you get something across, it's part of a relationship."

October 2, 2002 You said "I realize that you've been letting me get away with everything." I told him that it was because I was a nice person. Then he said, 'I guess I can't do that anymore now that we've talked.' He took my hand and said, "no matter what I've done wrong to you, never let me go"

December 5, 2002 There was a blizzard outside and classes were canceled so we decided to go shopping. We walked past Victoria Secret and I dragged him in. He bought me lingerie and I wore it for him that day. He kept poking at my breast and telling me how beautiful they looked in the bra. He held me so close and he said that the reason why was because he couldn't believe that I am real. He said that seeing me in the lingerie is what all men dream about and he can't believe that he is living their fantasy.

Oct. 3, 2004. You said, "I don't want us to be apart" You had ask for space when you left for NJIT so that you could hang out and meet girls. You thanked me for giving you that space because you said that it made you realize that I was the one you wanted . Now I know that it was a lie because you were still sending sexual texts to girls and going on dates with them at the same time that we were back together.

November 4, 2004. He broke up with me over text. He said that it was because I had gained weight. He said that he had found his right girl but that she had changed, gained weight. He said that he just wanted the "the proportioned body"that I had when we met. He said that he was young and that it was important.

November 15, 2004 "He missed me so much that he drove to Trenton last Wednesday to see me . He said that he "can't live without me." I told him that he was just lonely and missed me because I was always there for him...I saw him at 6 p.m. Saturday because he had texted me telling me how much he needed me. He said that we'll always be together, we're only going through tough time so that we can have a better future with a better understanding of each other. There is always a new reason to why you needed time to think. You always need time to figure things out when it was just an excuse to not deal with things." He was always asking for time, space to think. It had always been that way with him. Always needing time. He always calls later to apologies , on November 24, 2004, he called to apologize for being a jerk and that he was that way because I was "too beautiful...too nice inside and out" that it was easy for him to walk over me. He wanted to stay friends but each time we spoke after that he would come up with new reasons why he needed to break my heart. He always talked about Karma, he said "I want to move onto someone else" and he did.

December 27, 2004 "He said that he needed to learn how to express himself...he wanted me to figure out on my own why our relationship didn't work out...I truly hope that he's not running away from our problems. I really hope he isn't that evil." He has always chosen to walk away rather than communicate." I was always the one left to figure out what happen and put myself back together.

January 26, 2005 "He told me that in the 10th grade he had a girlfriend that cheated on him...he became bitter and began using girls for sex...he was with eight girls before me." He is over it now and says that he was young then and doesn't feel that way anymore, we both know that but I wonder sometimes if that mentality is still subconsciously in him. He had forgotten all of the past but is he still that way? We had gotten back together that week. "he said that it's not me" that he just needed time to think. You were still using women. You were using me because I was the easiest.

June 1st, 2005, he said "do you know how hard it is to break up with someone that you want to spend your whole life with?" We had broken up again because you needed time AGAIN. You felt that the relationship was getting serious and you wanted to act your age.

June 14, 2005 "He said that the reason he hasn't put fourth much of an effort is because he's not sure if he want to work it out" At the same time he says that he never wants to lose me, he said, "[in a few] years or so you will be stunningly beautiful and accomplished and I'm afraid that I won't be able to get you back...He said that the thought of me being with another man makes him sick." The thought of you being with another breaks my heart but you never cared about how I'd feel.

July 6,7or 8, 2005 I was at the laundromat...he was suppose to be at work. I remember him saying that he hated that job, he drove a forklift at some mattress wharehouse. He was miserable and "was still hurting from the break up [in June]. The break up that you asked for. He called me up around 1 p.m. asking me where I was and what I was doing and the next thing I knew his car drove up next to mine in the parking lot. I didn't notice him until he walked over and tap on the passenger side window...he looked horrible, like he hadn't slept in days and unshaven. He tried to talk but was so emotional, crying and choking on his words. He told me how miserable he's been over the last month and about how much he feels that he's making a mistake...he tried to touch my hand once but I denied it. I tried to keep my head up and stay strong. I kept telling him that I couldn't." he kept pleading for me to take him back but how could I just do that when he keeps breaking up with me and always asking for time, time to think and figure things out. It's frustrating. "He left, walked to his car and sat there for 10 minutes while I sat in mine, shocked and cold, no emotion, no tears. He then came back but this time came over to the [driver] side, he opened the door crying and bend down, almost kneeling, he grab my hand, he ask me to give him another chance. I told him no and that he should move on because I wasn't ready and that I needed time to do my own thing, to find myself and to be without him." He texted me later that night. He said, "Marry me. I want you to be the first woman I ever ask to marry me." I knew that it wasn't a question but an exclamation that he loved me.

August 2005 I went over to his house after work to get my digital camera that he had borrowed. It was then that we spoke on a better head. "He ask me again to take him back and I said yes. Now we are back together. He's changed so much, a total 180...and he is continuing to prove himself to me, to prove that he truly needs me and that he's sure of it."

November 18, 2005 My 23rd birthday I had been upset thinking that he had forgotten. He comes home on Fridays from NJIT. I went to see him after work. We were laying in bed and he ask me to get batteries for the remote the drawer by the bed and in the drawer instead was a gift bag, my birthday gift! He had gotten me a 14 carat diamond ring. He called it "a promise ring."

December 1st, 2005 I asked him for time apart. This was the first time that he accused me of "bailing out" because he had tried to talk to me. After four years he was still hard as a rock, I wasn't able to get through to him and it was frustrating. Every time there was an issue he would use the excuse of incompatibility to ignore it. "Other than the fact that we can't seem to communicate, we are perfect." I was extremely upset over the way you act each time I try to talk about anything serious about 'us' you kept saying that you never make plans and you weren't able to tell me if I was in your long term plan but again, you don't make plans. You just like to use it as an excuse to throw me out. At the same time I was having problem with my parents and figuring out school and you were making it so hard on me. I dedicated so much of me to us, work and school and all you cared about was you and what was convenient to you. I have always known how to balance it all but you never learned how to make me a part of your plan for the right reasons.

December 6, 2005 "Chris called...just to talk...he agreed to give me the time that I needed. This break...will help built me into the person that I was suppose to be. He says he's scared of losing me but this is the only chance for us to grow individually."

January 13, 2006 "I broke up with Chris last week, told him that I wasn't in love with him, he cried and hugged onto me and begged me not to leave him alone like this, he said that he needed me. I was so hurt. I still loved him but I just couldn't stay. "I want to fall for him all over again because he is the man I want to end up with, married to and have a family with." I was angry that you were constantly bailing out on us. It was hard to keep taking you back and having you leave again. There were no security because Mr. Bennett needs time off again. Mr. Bennett doesn't like hard, he likes to walk away and come back pretending problems disappear on its own. I was dealing with so much and you were just so immature. So into "doing you" that you dismiss me each time I needed you. You rather chat with girls online than to give me a moment to talk. No communication when it wasn't a pleasant topic, you were busy "doing you" and you only had time for me when it was convenient for you.

January 22, 2006 "I haven't spoken to Chris much since the break up...last night I locked my keys in my car [at the laundromat at Roebling Market and I walked home to see if there was a spare key, nope] I had no choice but to call Chris [because he had AAA] He came to pick me up at my house. When we got to the laundromat the car was already fixed. I sat in his car and I just stared at him. I didn't know what to say. I asked if I could at least kiss his cheek, he put his face fourth for me to do so, [I kissed him] and got out of his car. When I started my engine I noticed that he parked his car next to mine and signaled me to come out...I walked over and he came out and hugged me. I knew he began to cry because his body shook. I told him not to do this so he turned...went into his car and drove off. What could I have done differently, he was always asking for time apart whenever the relationship went into it's next stage. It was frustrating because he is always in and out of it and I was always left stranded."

We had gotten back together a little after that and everything was fine. You even surprised me at Rutgers on Valentine's day with orchids and we were going out every weekend, to the movie, dinner or just walking around Philly. Everything was good, up until now. All of a sudden you ask for time off but this time you finally decided to throw me out. You had bailed out on me so many times that it came easy. You have never known how to communicate, never knew how to be a man, never accepted that relationships are often hard but it's worth working on because it matters. You have always bailed out. It took reading my old diaries to see that you have always done this to me and I have always taken you back. Now you threw me out for the last time because you have finally realize that you don't want to make the effort for the most important thing in our lives. You have always bailed out. I always loved you. I always believed in you, even after many times of breaking my heart I was always true to you. The last two years had been a downfall but you choose to pick those two years and use it against us, only because you can and you tell me to "deal with it" as "it is what it is."

When it's all and done and you actually look back and look at the entire relationship subjectively, what it comes down to is that we only had one problem, we lack communication. That was it, we lacked communication and everything that would have been solved and understood easily would have been accomplished with communications. But you already know that but you have always chosen not to because it wasn't as easy as your math problems. I was never good enough for you to actually accomplish something with. You have always chosen to use me as the fall back girl, you were always asking for a break instead of actually communicating to me. Communication was the answer to it all and you knew that then, but you chose not to do it from the beginning, you have always chosen to walk away each time we needed to talk it out. Sometimes all that we needed was to talk it out. We never learned how to talk because so much time had past without it. I did what I could, I made you comfortable because you weren't going to communicate with me, it was beneath you to want to talk it out with me. You have never done what wasn't easy in the relationship. You have always taken the easy way out, you have always chosen to break my heart rather then actually talking to me. NEVER. You have NEVER tried to make it work. You can't take back what you said, you can't take back the horrible things you have done to me behind my back. You have disrespected for the longest and you are proud of that. I was the stupid one that kept taking you back believing that you had changed but you never had, you are still that same spoiled manipulative kid that bails out each time. I was always too good for you because you were the only one that was bringing problems into the relationship and I was the one to pay for your mistakes. I was too good for you and you made sure that you broke me down, and then you threw me out.

One problem, lack of communication, and you chose to use me, you chose 'easy' each time and things just snowballed to a point where we just did't know how to break the cycle. You threw me out after all these years. You are selfish and only looking out for Chris and you don't give a shit what happens to me. You never have. I accept that and that's just the way you are. You used me and you bailed out when we should have started over. You had nothing to lose because I was the one that sacrificed everything in my life for us to happen. I lost everything, in all of this I even lost my family. I wasn't close with them before but now I don't make contact with them at all, I am just looking to go far and never have to explain it to anyone. I am better off dead because you have taken everything from me. I haven't even told my friends, they wouldn't know what to say or do. I don't want pity. You lied to me for nine years and you used me the entire time. "It is what it is." If you didn't love someone then you were just using them and you don't love me. You used me, otherwise you would have put in the effort to communicate all along. You chose to let us fail and you chose to watch me fall apart in front of you. You have no shame. No remorse, you don't even have a heart. I loved you for so long and this is the kind of person that you were the entire time? I pray that you get what you deserve because you had purposely chosen to destroy me. You purposely destroyed me when it was less efforts to communicate with me. I never thought that I would ever hate you but I didn't know that you were this type of person. I have learned to hate the one person that has destroyed everything good about me. I have to learn to hate the one person that I loved more than anything. I don't deserve to be treated like this. I was a good person and you threw me out like trash. I don't wish harm on you, it's not me but I do pray that God will be just and give you what you deserve. I do pray that you will always be successful but it won't buy you what you threw out. You will get it all back ten folds and you will deserve it because otherwise you will never know what it feels like to be me right now. You won't know unless it happens to you. God I remember thinking that "The Diary of a Mad Black Woman" was harsh, how was her husband so evil but you are him, but unlike the wife I have no family to go to. You will get what you deserve. I pray that you get it all back ten folds. You have taken everything from me, you've taken all of me. God is just. You will get what you deserve because you don't deserve me. If you are able to throw out the "best person" for you then you are capable of worst. You have always been selfish and I can't believe that I loved you this long.

You have broken me so bad that I can't help hating you. I am so fucken hurt that I can't even go a day without crying. You're never going to change. You will always be selfish like this and you refuse to love me on a mutual term. Everything has to be Chris' way or no way. I thought that we had compromised. It was your words, "we're suppose to compromises" yet you've never done it. You just refuse to love. You refuse to communicate when it comes easy to you. I see it all now. You used me. I am done with loving you. I am dead to you. I hate you and you have ruined my life. I wasn't convenient enough for you and your justification is some sorry ass textbook excuses that doesn't even apply to us. You have never made plans and all of a sudden you tell me that "things didn't turn out" according to your un-existing "plans. How do you do that? Just pull something out of your ass just because you didn't want to make an effort. You have never loved me the way that I loved you and that's just the way it is. I was used and I was thrown out. You lied to me for nine years. I took you back and you threw me out. You threw me out so that you can have your new life and forget that I exist. You threw a person away like a piece of trash. You just chose to conveniently forget everything. That's how selfish you are, you like 'easy.' I am worthless to you. After nine years you tell me that you don't even want to see my face. Am I that worthless to you? I am shit to you that you can't even face me. It hurts so much to hear you say that. I didn't cry at all last night when we talked until you said that. You really do know how to make me feel like a piece of trash, I am that worthless to you. You have rejected me in every way. After nine years you dread seeing my face as if I was the one that betrayed us. I might as well be dead because you have, in the end, treat me like shit. I accept that it has ended but I will never accept the fact that I loved you for nine years and you threw me out because you had to be selfish, you know your faults and you have never made an effort for us and you will never change. Nine years of lies and betrayal. Nine years you used me because you are always sorry but have never done anything to make it work. We have never communicated because you decided that it was work. I will never forgive you. I will never accept your sorry ass apologies. If anything ever happens to me I don't even want you at my funeral. Keep your karma to yourself. I hate you. You have already erased me out of your life when I am the stupid one that used your last name as all of my passwords. Can you imagine that. Am I not the dumbest whore ever? and the cheapest because I never ask for anything. Money can't buy what I wanted and gave you but you were just too blind to see that and too selfish to put in the effort.

You keep telling me to stop making up these extravagant stories about what happen but they are true. You keep giving me your textbook excuses but thats what you have chosen to part with just so that you can feel better about yourself. You did what you did for you, not because it didn't work, thats too obviously, it didn't work because you made it fail, you admitted that you didn't really wanted it to. You tell yourself that just so you don't have to accept the fact that you ruined another person's life and that you did so purposely. That's what happened and you just don't see it. I had my diaries to remind me of it. I didn't even remember writing half of it but I see that you had never tried but what you always did was apologies for everything that you do wrong but refusing to change it. Love isn't important to you. You want easy and convenient. You say that you owe me nothing but you owe me nine years of my life that you lied and stole from me. If you didn't love someone then you were just using them. Like you said to Arjun right? If you don't believe me, it's in your Gmail chat log. You said that "the only reason why I haven't sent Kera back to Trenton is because I haven't found someone else yet." You used me the entire time and I have to deal with that. It hurts to accept that what you said then was true. You used me because I loved you. You used my love, my affection, my body, my tenderness, my time. You used all of me and I have to deal with it. If you are able to say such horrible things about me behind my back then how did you expect me to trust that you wanted us. You never did. You were just using me.