Warned

CK's mom bought me a bag of bulk chocolate from Gertude Hawk. Yumm. Ate them all in one hour. We had dinner and talked about CK again.
She came up to the attic to see me before bed, see the photoshop arts that I did that kept me from coming down to dinner last night. Actually I didn't go down because I had been crying over my mom's miss calls, her wanting to talk to me and me nothing knowing what to do. CK's mom analyzed the art as me trying to find myself and there's dark parts of my life holding me back. She says that I am in a dark place but the suns is coming down. It always comes up. She says the only visible part of my fragile face. Everything is dark and the wings aren't angelic white, the color and weight of my life.

We started talking and it lead to talking about CK. She talked about how close they are and that he is fortunate and then we talked about how I had no one. CK has no inhibition because he has always had his mother to fall back on, it has given him confidence and he does what he wants knowing that she will not judge, that she will always support him. i don't have that. I have no one so i have always had to be cautious, always have to look out for myself. I have always been the fall back person for my brothers but I have no one. I don't pity myself but it's lonely. I told her because I was never close with my parents that I don't even know how to talk to them about the break up. If I've never shared anything with them before than I can't just spring out bad news on them.

She jokingly said, "didn't I warned you years ago that CK is extremely selfish? He is the only child" and she narrated numerous stories of when he was young and even at the age of three he was selfish. He refused to share his toys and when he did he's snatch it back when he decides it's enough. She said "I think I've created a monster" She teaches him to hold his ground, to have an opinion, and all the strong qualities but she said that he never learned to turn off the switch when he was suppose to. She wanted him to know that home was where charity begins and that he never realize that. The world is full of jerks and assholes but he didn't have to treat me that way when he got home. Teaching it and doing it to me were two different things. She said he never learned that. He is "arrogant" and "full of himself" She says that she knows how he is but hopes that he will grow up soon, that he will "mellow as he gets older." He doesn't like dealing with people and things that he doesn't understand. Like his best friend Roy who he decided to forget. He does that to people.

She told me that what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. I know that but it's not easy to sacrifice him for that. She said that he is tactile and there's no gray line, he doesn't like dealing with things that he can't easily figure out. He was always good in math and technical things but dropped his first class ever, Philosophy in college. There's no gray line with him. Life is a spreadsheet for him and there's no room for happiness because to get it you'd have to let loose and drop the computation. He is too much of a rock. It sucks that CK's mom is telling me all of this now. I've heard fragments of it before but never knew how true it was until now. "He is selfish" she says "it's his way or no way" and that's just the way he is. He doesn't know how to turn off his switch when he gets home. "If it's meant to be then he'll come around...you just have to go far so that you can come back." This will only happen if CK grows up. We are not even sure if he will because that's just the way he is, selfish. She says she'll try to bat some right into him, not to tell him what to do but tell him what is right and what is wrong. What he has done so far is wrong and he will end up lonely for the rest of his life is he doesn't grown up. He will never change but you don't have to change who you are, you just have to add to it.

No one can change CK. Good or bad, if he doesn't want to deal with something he checks out, leaves the room and ignores you. That's CK.