I don't believe it, I know that you never feel horrible for anything that you do to people. As long as it benefited you. You know that. It makes it OK every time you pull out the "it's me and not you" crap. You said that after work you should have been able to look forward to spending time with someone special, I am trash, you had already decided that I wasn't good enough so no matter what you wouldn't be happy coming home to me. You weren't getting that out of the relationship because you "never really wanted it to work." once you have made up your mind about it, everything about it, no matter what happen, it was an inconvenience.
Yes, it was a reflection on us. We were unhappy because we eventually did both become unhappy. My idea of what makes you happy would, of course, be what you like the least because you don't like to communicate, I was suppose to read your mind and do what you expected without a clue. yea I guess I ea naive when I wanted to move up to be with you. That's what people in relationships do. The decision to move was easier for me than in most relationship because I didn't work then.
You are right I didn't trust you before and I did admit that if I hadn't move up with you that it would have been hard to trust you. You know how you are. You just admitted that you weren't happy in the relationship so you would have eventually broken my heart with infidelities if I wasn't taking care f you. Ironically I was taking care of you and I lost you anyway. I was not confident in my position not because I didn't trust you. I had swore to you that it was all in the past, I had completely gotten that out of my system a year into living together, otherwise I wouldn't have wanted you to have a social life so bad. I wasn't confident in my position because you say that you never make plans for the future and you can never tell me if we would get get past gf/bf. You always said "I am too young to think about that" You always through that excuse out at me,many many time in the relationship. That's the main reason why I wasn't confident in my position.
I wanted to be an equal also and you know that I have said that before and I did give you convenient because that's how it turned out to be because I never knew that you were thinking. You were sitting there waiting for me to read your mind when I couldn't. Yes, we were not 40 years olds and I hate that we had lived that way. We just forgot that and you refused to wake me from that cycle when you saw it. Yea, you could have tried to play with me but why would you. You didn't love me, it probably wouldn't have been fun anyways because you had already made up your mind that I wasn't the one. Everything that you do or not do was already affected by your previous decision to not try, you just subconsciously quit on everything. I wanted you to play around with me. I missed that. I needed that. We both needed it. I was moody and I know that I was. We were both just in a motion.
Yea, communication. You don't like communicating with me. Yea your excuse is that I am different. I didn't always know what to say. I felt bad that I couldn't help, I often choose to find relieving words when I should have just said what you needed to hear, for you to vent. I knew that you needed to vent but I always thought that I should have been a sanctuary for you to not have to bring the stress home but I forgot that you needed to talk about it first, let it off your chest, then get back to us. I wasn't that naive about that. I know that life is filled with jerks and asshole, I am not that stupid. Yea I am neither of that and that's what I wanted you to come home to, I was suppose to be the person that made you feel that there are good things out in this world, good people, at home.
I know why it lasted this long and that's the reason why any relationship last this long. People what this in their relationship. You will find someone better than I am. she may not be kind but she will have all the things that you want. I was what you need and you don't need me anymore. You don't want love, you want easy so you will find a million more to replace me. You have lost me now because I will never hate anyone like I hate you. I used me our entire relationship because I was good, I was easy.
You have always looked out for yourself and you wonder why I always had an issue with that. You mom have already apologized to me for that in you, so I know that you can't help but be "arrogant...and full of yourself." true, we would not have found happiness if we had continue doing things the way that we did. You choose to watch it fail a year ago and I was just oblivious thinking, "please please God help me break this cycle." I never even had the chance. You had made up your mind to quit, you said it. You were blind to everything after that. We didn't even try. You were just using me for the remainder of the time because it was easy to use a good person. You seem to think highly of yourself, that everyone looks up to you, that everyone relies on you. I looked up to you because I loved you. I was proud of you and yes you took care of the income but I wasn't dependent on you. Yea, you're right you're not the only thing that I wanted out of life. That's why it was hard for me. i wanted it all and I choose to hold onto you while I do that. I would have had that chance one we moved. You ask if a move would solve anything. I believed that it would because it would fix the problem that I had, it would have help me do what I wanted- to be able to bring into the relationship, confidence, and my own identity because I'd be contributing to our future, I'd be happy because I'd be an equal. We would still be the same people, but a better me. You don't believe that but that was what I wanted to do. Doesn't matter now. Having a job alone isn't going fulfill me, but having both in life would have been fulfilling. You didn't feel that way because the job was all you had to your day, you came home to a moody me. The moody me would have been a past once we moved. You would have had a different home environment, a happy one. Silly me to think that It would help the both of us and the relationship.
What you said at Walmart was a lie, No matter how you try to make sense of it now. You lied. If I am the type of person that you wanted to be with then why aren't you. All of the things that I lacked were things that I had but needed to built on. Kind of hard to built on that when we live in a box call 'upstate' without the environment to do that. yea it was easy for you to doubt me when I never really had the chance to prove myself differently. I would have had many many chance but I lost that now.You lied to me at Walmart. Maybe it was unrealistic to want both.
You don't care about me. You want the best for you and just hopes that I will be ok, clear your conscience. You are the worst mistake that I have ever made, a nine year mistake me because I trusted you. I loved you and you ruined me. You used me and you threw me out like trash. I was easy to throw out. I am a piece of trash. i was once a good woman, now I am all used up. I gave all of the good in me and now I am just an old used up trash. I have to whore myself to get by because that was obviously what was doing with you. Turned out that it wasn't love, I was whoreing myself for a place to stay.
Yea of course you didn't want to ruin my life, it wasn't a hard decision. It comes natural to you. You were never affected by my tears anyways. I do think small, I think small of you now. You're a coward and you deserve to be alone, you deserve to be miserable because all you care about is yourself. Your mom says that she's afraid that you will be end up alone because of the kind of person that you are. She may be right. You don't deserve anything that money can't buy. You will always come home to a fancy apartment with nothing but your "arrogant" self. You don't deserve to be loved by anyone because you are too selfish You have to have your way so no one will ever be good enough. If I wasn't good enough then no one is. I did dream big but you took it away from me. I don't care how many sorries you throw out because you have never been apologetic about anything in your life. You will walk over anyone to get to where you want to be. If you don't grow up you will be a lonely old man.
I fucken hate you because you used me. For nine years you used me. I fucken hate you. You have ruined my life. No matter what you say to excuse why you needed to walk over me, you did and you are not sorry that you did. You choose to give up but then blame the failure of the relationship on the both of us. You made it fail because you decided to let it fail. I fucken hate you. You have ruined everything good in me. Yea karma will get you if hell doesn't get you first. I feel sorry for you because you have always used people to get what you want, you tell them what they need to hear and you use them. You used me and you fucken threw me out. "Recycled"? really. You have no remorse, no moral, no humanity. you have no heart, you are fucken cold. You used me. I hate you! I hope you find your perfect man. I hope he looks just like you and shadows you in ever way. That's the only thing that will suit you, your perfect man.
7a.m.
You have told me more in this one letter about us then you ever have before. I guess that proves that you really never wanted us to last at all, otherwise you would have chosen to talk to me throughout the years. If you wanted us as much as I did you would have spoken about things that were unpleasant and uncomfortable. You wait until now after you have broken me to explain it. You really don't have the "guilt" gene do you?
This would have all been nothing if we had just communicated. You chose not to communicate because X and Y and Z and because I was hard to talk to. You forget that we are two different people. It's bound to happen. You communicate anyway because it's needed.
You said " It wasn't just the location, when I get home it should be my escape where I can look forward to going to spend time with someone special. I wasn't getting that in the relationship." I was't special remember, You made up your mind that I wasn't so why would you want to come home to me? You had allowed whatever reason to overshadow me. That's how it is with you, once you make up your mind about something, once you label something, it sticks no matter how much better things may be.
We were two different people. You were stuck in your ways where you gave no one the gray line to be different. You are so set in your ways where if someone doesn't agree with your method or with you then they're wrong. You are adamant and head strong, "no one can ever sway" you otherwise once you have formulated any thoughts in your head. You are also stuck with the notion that I am just naive when I am that way at home with you because you deserve all the good in me. The same way that you're one way at home and then a totally different person at work and with your friends. Everyone's like that. It is true that I sometime don't let things get to me now. This wasn't always my philosophy. I learned that from you. You use to tell me not to stress over things that can't be changed or fixed. Everything use to get to me. I use to let things get to me when we started dating, you and your mom taught me to let go of what doesn't make or brake.Like when you vent to me about some asshole, I remember you talking about people at GLI and how there are certain character everywhere and they are just that. I didn't want you to be upset by them or by certain situations because you and your mom have taught me, "well whadyah gonna do bout it." I was your sanctuary. I do understand what you mean when you said that it helps you learn about those people and how to handle that type of situations if it comes up again. You always tell me that "life is hard...filled with jerk and asshole" as if I didn't already know. You forget that I had a hard life. I know all of that. It is not naive, it's how I cope, I use to let everything get to me but now I pick and choose what I should stress over. I should have allowed you to vent your own way instead of imposing my new method on you. Because I have learned the right and wrong way to handle things from you and your family I just choose to learn from situations but I don't get it make me mean or change me into a hard rock. Especially because when we get home we want to be the the real us.
You keep saying that you don't believe that we would get better, you "did not believe we would eventually find happiness" because you had already made up your mind that relationships were hard. You had decided to let it fail before it even had a chance to go into the next stage. It never even had a chance because you "didn't really wanted it to work." So it's only right for me to say that you sabotaged it with your negativity and pessimism.
You said that "This was a selfish decision; I was looking out for myself." True and that's just the type of person that you are. So I have to tell myself "whadyah gonna do bout it" right? That's just the type of person that you are. You never wanted us to last because you were afraid to commit. Always telling me, "I am too young to think about" that. You were always too this or that to accept that life progresses. You choose to only deal with the things you can compute, things that you can use a spreadsheet and calculators for.
You don't care about anyone but yourself and I have to accept that now. I use to excuse it on the fact that you were a single child. You always said, "I'm an only child, I never learned how to share." You never learned how to share your life with me. I really see that now and what's worst is that all the mistakes that you've made with me someone else will benefit from it. That makes me feel used. We were suppose to learn from our own mistakes and improve together. That's the ways relationships are suppose to be. Couples always make the decision to work and improve on their faults together. You can only improve and work on faults in that relationship from within that relationship.
You gave it all up even before we had the chance. We never had a chance. It was a downfall from the moment you decided that relationship were too hard. You have always chosen to walk away rather than communicating with me. We never really tried to communicate, we've only had censored talks and disagreements. We have never given it our all because we never had a reason to. You were busy crossing your fingers hoping for it to fail so that you would never have to deal with a relationship and commitment. We both never tried.
"Deal with it" right? I have to now. I don't have a choice. I was thrown out so I have to get on with it. You have no guilt, no remorse, no heart. Sometime I feel that you need to have married friends just so that you hear how good you have it and how little effort you put into us, how much my actions made sense even though it wasn't what you wanted, how little effort we actually put into making it a success rather than just being an OK relationship.
You sabotaged us years ago and we never had a chance. You used me and you threw me out. I have to accept that. As a woman it's hard to accept. I might as well be whoring myself around since that's what it turned out to be. How little I have turned out to be. A woman's worth means nothing to you because you use people. You used me because I loved you. I made it easy because I was good. You have ruined all of that in me. You must be proud of yourself, knowing that you had the power to break someone, that someone gave you the power to ruin them. You have broken me in every way possible. Be proud of yourself, stay arrogant, stay cold, and stay selfish. You will get all the material things that you want but nothing that you will ever need or deserve.
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