Now and then I'd have a flashback of how you were, maybe my mind is trying to tell me that this is best for me. How temperamental you are, how hard it was to live with a grown five year old. Gosh it was so much work just planning one meal for you, crossing things out and adding things on and by the time I found a recipe that you'd like I was mentally exhausted. I was responsible for everything in the relationship. You forced everything on me. You worked and that was it. I was responsible for the sex drive, for keeping everything happy, for entertainments, for everything. You took responsibility for nothing but yourself. You don't know what it means to be there for someone. I take responsibility for the fact that I didn't always know the right thing to say to you either but at least I know what I did wrong. You see nothing wrong with anything that you did because you are Chris."Chris is selfish and he knows it." That's sad.
It's sad that I have to see you the way you really are after so many years of you being the only person in my heart. i wish that I had known you were like this from the beginning.I guess I did see it but things had changed. You hadn't bailed out on us since we got back together in 2006. I am hanging onto a string now. I sacrificed everything in my life for us. You are too cold and too self centered to see that people do make sacrifices when they love someone. You tell me, "oh no one forced you to be in the relationship" of course not, it was love.No one forced me to be in love, I just was. People fall in love and they make sacrifices for one another. What did you ever sacrifice for me? for us? What efforts did you make to make us happy? You made it all my responsibility when this was suppose to be an 'us' thing. Where was your responsibility in all of this? What did you do to make us work? Nothing, you admitted that you did nothing, you watched it fail because it was work to lift a finger, to make a thought.
I finally told my parents. Of course they have nothing to say, they were never a part of my life. I told them that we both choose to be independent and that's that. I don't think that you mom is comfortable with the fact that people on my side knows, she's afraid that they will bad mouth you but people never knew anything about us. They don't even know you, a few only met you once. I understand why she would hate that but I have never bad mouth you to anyone in my life, so no one ever has anything to say. They simply accept my explanation that WE chose to be independent. That's what's different between us also. You use to bad mouth me to your friends, there were no respect for me. It's no one's business if you were X or Y. My one close friend, Sarong, knows that you're picky with food but nothing bad about you. I never knew how to talk shit about you the way that you did behind my back. That's sad. How sad is it that I was always so righteous. People now know that 'Chris and Kera' broke up but no one knows the details, I refuse to tell anyone any of it even though I wanted to. No one to takes my side because they just don't know. Lucky you, you will always have your mom. I have me, my humiliation and pity.
You mom ask me last night what my mom said about me staying here and I told her the truth, that my parents didn't say anything, they were never a part of this to begin with. My mom ask where I was going to stay and I said, "on Melrose" that was that. But I don't think that you mom is comfortable with the idea anymore. I don't blame her. You threw me out so why wouldn't she do the same? No one knows you, they don't know us, no one care either way. I wish that I could tell someone what you did, how you used me and how you had always bailed out and how I always took you back. I need someone to take my side and ironically I have only been able to talk about it with old ass strangers at the hospital and the school, it's easy because they don't know us and there's no judgement, just general advices. Tell me how do you do it? You seem to be a pro at breaking hearts and using people, how do I lure someone into liking me so that I can use them? Then how do you make it a "I wanna do me" thing when I am through using them? You have done it to be about four times, I never paid attention to how you did it so tell me. I really want to learn from the pro. There were no efforts on your part but I ended up punished for your "I just want to do me" shit. It's so easy for you when you only think of yourself. If the world had ended I bet you would push me off a cliff for the last piece of cracker. That's just you and I see that now.
You know I never knew how beautiful I was with you? I guess I was so in love that I wanted to hear it from you and only you. Your words always affected me and it's silly to balance your own self image with what someone else thinks about you but it was important to me how you felt about me and how you saw me. I would tell you all the time how handsome you were to me, you were my everything and I wanted to compliment you all the time because I wanted the same from you. You looked the same to me everyday but that wasn't the point, it's keeping us alive, vibrant, keep us on our toes and reminding us to keep up the efforts on making ourselves attractive for one another. We didn't have to turn into two forty year olds. You got what you asked for. You chose to do nothing. Since the break up I have been healing and I have been asked out every other day. I can't even believe it, it's such an odd feeling to me. I guess it is true that I was soo busy being responsible for us that I forgot about myself, I forgot what it's like to be wanted. I have been invited to dinners and charity dinners by doctors and surgeons and I should have been flattered but in the back of my mind I felt that we missed on on me. You missed out on me. I turned them down, I wasn't impressed and I honestly don't know why. I tried to itemize who they were and what they had, Porsche and big fancy cars, but I wasn't impressed. All of the compliments that I get now I know would sound so much better coming from you but you don't have the heart to put me first to actually do that, so I know that it's just wishful thinking. Subconsciously I still wish that you would grow up and stop being so selfish but you are Chris.
Women usually have multiple men, and I know you have known a few, and they know how to get what they want from those men. I know how to get men with my looks and all I need are some empty words to get material things from them, but that's not me. I am a one man's woman and he threw me out. The sad thing is that I can't do that. I am not like you. It's dirty and it's disgusting. I don't want anyone to touch me, no matter how attractive he is. You were the only person that I wanted to touch. Your hands were the only hands I was comfortable with on me. Men in general makes me icky, germy. I have put my lips on every inches of you body and I don't think that I have the stomach to do that with anyone else. As weird as it is, you know how I don't even touch public surfaces and touching people are worst. I'd have to carry bottles and bottles of hand sanitizers just to say 'hello' back to them. I now see that a man has to deserve me and maybe you don't deserve me. I was too good for you, too good because you turned out to be such a cold person, no moral, no remorse, no shame, no heart. In life you don't always get what you want, you get what you need. I was probably what you needed to gain some sort of humanity, maybe a fraction of my kindness and selflessness rubbed off on you. Maybe you needed me for that aspect of being good, and being human. I can't imagine you being any colder. I guess I needed you to be the one to break my heart. Life needed to take the one person that I love most to betray me, to show me that this world was full of jerks and assholes like you. I don't think that the lesson would have been the same if it had came from someone that I didn't love. It had to be you, you had to be the one to use me and throw me out for me to see it. The main lesson with you isn't that this world is full of jerks and assholes but to never love too much. See where it got me? Sacrificing everything for love gets you thrown out penniless and homeless. I always use to say that in every relationship one loves more than the other and it's true with us. I loved you more and you, narcissistic, loved yourself. "Men don't want to commit because they just want to play." I don't have the luxury of playing and whoring because my body is off limit to anyone that I don't love. Putting you first gave you an excuse to neglect me, we both neglected me. The irony. To have sacrificed everything only to lose everything in return. I don't regret loving you because that's what I do best. I don't regret the past nine years at all. I just feel used and humiliated that I allowed someone that I loved to use me. I loved you soo much that it was easy for you.
I want, so bad, to tell people how horrible you were to me, I want someone to say something comforting, I need someone to agree with me and take my side but I just can't do that. I couldn't tell Sarong, my teacher Ms. Smith or my family, I just couldn't open up on the details. No matter how horrible you were, I am the only one that deserves to think bad about you. Subconsciously I still defend you if anyone were to say anything. How sad, you have no idea what that is like, you will never defend me and you never have. I see now that our younger conversation about who would take the bullet for who will never be in your favor, you will never take the bullet for me. It was a childish conversation on who loves who more but we now know the answer to that. You will always be too selfish to take anything for me. Not even a papercut. You still think that you were good to me, why? because you worked for the money? Money doesn't buy love. I was frugal, I never asked for anything, never wasted your money, never ask to get a haircut, no nail salons, no nothing. I wanted us to save because you lied and told me that 'we' had a savings account for our future. You're full of shit. What a tease.
I have always been strong. I had forgotten how resilient I was. I had a tough life, I was just too in love to remind myself that I had it rough. So much of myself was lost while we were together. You were so temperamental, so hard and moody, I compromised so much that I forgot me. It was always about you. That was my only fault as a woman, I loved too much and I forgot about myself. You even said that. This had to happen the way that it did because I would never have seen you for you. I would never have seen you for the monster that you are. I see it now from the way that you talked to me, the way that you yell and scream at me when you were breaking my heart over the phone. It takes a very cold man to kick someone that is already down. You were poison and I just didn't know it. You will NEVER put me first. "Chris is selfish...it's his way or no way." I know now to never love like I did with you. It got me nowhere.
I'm not even going to think of the good times because since it had all been my responsibility it was probably my doings anyway. You paid, you drove, that was it. I accept responsibility for half of why we're broken up but you will never fuller accept yours. You have already forgotten the past nine years so why would it matter. You had jump ship on us many times before so I now accept that you're just a deadbeat. It doesn't matter that I loved you because you're an empty person. You will always have just your mother and yourself. Life goes on and I love myself so much more now. I am reminded everyday that I am gorgeous and I actually believe it. My head is so big now. I have a perfect body, perfect tan and a perfect face. I wanted you to be the one to tell me all of that but I accept that you don't know how to put me first. "Chris is all about Chris." You can't seem to do the small things that would have meant the world to me. I wanted a few simple words but you were just too selfish. I forgot how beautiful I am and shit I'm a size 6, I forgot I had curves. I had a heart surgeon compliment me that I was 'abnormally normal' because I was Asian and had curves in all the right places. Shit, I wanted to hear that from you, not some stranger. Every wonderful words that I hear now I think about you and how much much I'd kill to hear it coming from your mouth. I feel so stupid because you were my murderer and I was still thinking of you. If I don't forget you then I will always be hurt by you. You have already forgotten the past nine years so I will have to do the same. I know that I deserve better and there's so many guys out there that are better than you but I wanted you. That's ok now. Everyone gets their heart broken at some point in life. There are good and bad people in the world. I have already gone through my share of bad people and I see how much better I have been treated by the world now. You had to be the one to teach me this life's lesson and I have learned from it. It only gets better from now on. You broke my heart but there's literally a line of men waiting to heal me so I know that I am ok. I have enough to choose from. We will both get what karma is coming to us. I was always good because that was me and since I have already been through the bad I know what good to expect.
It's a shame that the individual person we built together, someone else may benefit from it. The person that we became had a lot to do with the both of us and who we were. Meeting someone new will be a completely different transition because all that I have learned from us will not apply to anyone else. Lessons learned from our relationship will only apply to just us two. Everything that we did were in reference to Chris and Kera, and how uniquely different we were. I don't know how to do Chris thing with a average American guy name X or Y. We were so different from the average/normal couple. I have to be average now and as silly as it sounds it's not what I want. I don't want normal, I don't want a relationship that blends. I loved what we had, people always gave us a double takes, people always ask and when they find out what were were they are so surprised. It's stupid but that's what I miss. I miss our contrasts, how we complimented one another in every single way. We weren't African American and Asian or Black and White. We were Jamaican and Thai, how does that even happen? I have LITERALLY Googled that and only found one indication of another like us, 'Bahamian and Thai.' How awesome! We are that rare. The best of both worlds.
Life goes on. Lessons leaned and I deserve better from you but you refuse to put me first. You are "selfish" and I was warned but I loved you too much make it an issue but it was more than just an issue, it was what broke us. I am too beautiful for this. Too good for this. People like me shouldn't settle for love, People like me should get everything that they want out of life. I have the looks for it, I am marketable and shit, I have curves. You will never have anything worthwhile to say about me because you used me for sex. That's what it was. 'Sex' and that's ok. What goes around comes around. You always talk about Karma so you already know how much you use and hurt people, especially me. The 'diary of a mad black woman' is art mimicking life. You will get what you deserve ten folds and I will get even better. You will always be in my heart but since that heart is broken you're always just barely hanging onto it. I really don't deserve this from you. I have to accept that I was wrong about you and it's hard because how do you love a murderer?
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