From her understanding, what CK told her, He had seen the relationship start to distant a year ago but he was hopeful that it would get better. I told her that if I had seen that as a threat I would have told her and asked for advices. I wish that CK would have mentioned it a year ago. His mom and she and I wouldn't be having this conversation today. We would have been able to salvage it. CK told her that I should have seen it coming but I didn't, we didn't see the same thing in the same way. I did notice that we had become distant but not because we stopped caring, we both let it get monotonous and did nothing about it. He told her that I stopped living, not true but I do understand what he meant. I was just waiting to move. He said to his mom, "we may be in a different location but we are still the same people." How did CK know that it will be the same, we had allowed living in nowhere NY to get to us. He doesn't think that the location of a place should change you from being a fun loving spontaneous person to one that sits there being miserable. He was right, I had let things get to me but only because I loved him too much and went at it the wrong way. I had allowed not being able to find work and the excuse of having nowhere to go and nothing to do in NY to cause me to "stop living" as CK said. I am not a "miserable person by nature. I am still the same fun loving spontaneous person that he loved, I just forgot about it for a while.
"He just wants to be independent and he wants me to be independent. He wants me to do things for myself" I told her but "how does being with him stop me from doing what I want, if anything being with another person motivated you because they are there to do that. People become doctors and lawyers even after they're married. How does being in a relationship stop you from becoming better?" He never stopped me from being myself, I was just down because I couldn't find work. he complains but he refuse to see that he use us as an excuse. Everything that he has now were things that we acquired together, but it's just his now. I have nothing. I left the relationship with nothing, no trinkage, no token of his love. I left empty handed but a pocket full of false promises and old words that he use to say to me. He use to love me.
"Maybe moving to NY was a bad move after all" His mom said. "No it was great for his career but it had changed us" I answered. She said that when we moved up there she thought that the seclusion would bring us together, it did at first ."Who knew that the economy would fall like this and threw a socket wrench into the scheme." She said
"Love and romantic love" is a fairy tale" his mom said. I understood, you need more than just love to make a relationship work. CK and I knew that but got too caught up in everything.
She said that from what she understood, I had always been in CK's plan, that he had always seen me in the plan but that maybe things changed because I had changed, I had became my lesser me.
I asked CK why he use to say that I was the best person for him. He said that I was, I was best in every way but now he realizes that because of the way our relationship had turned that he isn't ready to make a commitment, that the life we had become accustomed to wasn't what he had pictured for us, for himself. He said that he needed to be happy and that it was important to him. I was the best person for him but not right now. He wasn't ready for a commitment. "You can't force a man to want a commitment if he doesn't want it" His mom said.
I told her about the past years and situations, and she pointed out to me the instances where I should have jump in and did something. Especially when he was invited to go out with the guys and he tells me that he didn't really want to go, I would push him to go thinking that he needed to hang out since he would be moving soon, to make friends, that it wasn't too late. She said that that should have been an opportunity, that I should have jumped in and did something with him instead, that we should have gone out just the two of us instead. I have seen guys do that before, "Oh I can't hang because I am doing this or that with my girl" That was what should have happened. I missed out on so many of those chances. I wasn't selfish enough to make him choose me over hanging out with the guys. I should have been selfish, for us.
It's too late to change anything now but I just want closure and talk to him on what we had omitted all along. I want to leave with love between us, we don't have to be together to keep one another close. I would be happy, it would make me happy to always have him in my life. We may have had a rough break up but we had a wonderful relationship. I am still hurt and I will never get over it. So it was one year that he had allow us to go sour. If he had seen it as a threat then he should have said something, I saw it but I knew that we would get past it. He never saw it my way. He chose to let it fall apart a year ago. I just can't understand how he can be so cold now. He just adamantly said, "no, I don't want to be with you anymore" just like that. Just like that he just decided to give up. He kept saying "but I don't want to give it a chance. I don't want to be with you anymore." He refuse to put in the effort, he never expressed it to me. We both allowed the relationship to go sour because the first person to recognize it never said a word. He never communicated it to me, especially when he was the one to recognized it and was always so anal about communicating. We were both to blame because we both did see things changing, could have tried, could have made the best of each day but we just stop living. I wish more than anything to redo it. I wish that I knew ahead of time that we had a limit. I wish that he had told me ahead of time that his words and promises had a limit. I wish he never lied to me.
He says that he hates talking to me, that I am too difficult. It seems that it's always his way or no way. His mom keeps telling me that life happens and you can't make Ck see or do what he doesn't want, no matter what. I understand that you can't force a person to do what is right if they simply don't want it. He wants to be independent, he wants to be single. He was tired of me. He didn't want a commitment with me. He says that he is too young for a commitment. Can't force that.
My life has been ruined. I have allowed the only man that I loved to ruin my life. He "didn't mean to" he says. He always apologies but is never apologetic for what he does in his 'CK comes first' mentality.
I am lost. All of our plans had always included us and now he has continued with it and left me stranded. His mom says that he had always included me but it seems like a contradiction because he says the opposite to me, that "no, it was my plans, you were just dragged into it." I want to tell his mom what he says, each words but he's her son and I can't tell her everything he says. He tells her the truth but with omission and her understanding of what happens is still incomplete, she understands only what he choose to tell her. CK has changed so much in the past year. He use to love me, love us and now he only cares about CK. Yea, can't knock a guy for doing him but when you suddenly decided to end a relationship, you have no idea how that will affect the other person involved. The decision may come easy for him but it had completely destroyed me. I never saw it coming, yes now I realize what happened and I admit that I did see us becoming distant and we both accept that as a temporary thing but he had decided that he just didn't want to take the chance of that happening again. We weren't worth it to him, I wasn't worth it to him.
If one year can destroy all that we had then he never wanted us anyways. If that is all that he can come up with then I will have to accept that he really didn't care to make it work. One year doesn't make or break a relationship if you wanted it to work. He said that he noticed within the last year that the relationship had gone sour and he choose to do nothing about it, he choose not to communicate that to me. I saw it too but I didn't see it as a threat, no relationship should ever lose it's spunk but sometime you lose track of it as a whole and needs reminder that "hey we are still here and let's make the best of it" He never did that. He watched it fail for the last year before breaking up. He didn't even have to do anything, all that he needed to do was communicate that to me. We would have seen that talk as a wake up call. BUT NO! He choose to watch it fail and use that as his reason to destroy us. He destroyed my life because he made promises and told me that he would never leave me no matter what, that we could do anything if we wanted it. He refuse to want it.
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