Death must be so peaceful right now. I am not giving up on life though I might as well, CK thinks that I stopped living already so it shouldn't matter right? Maybe I should just be like CK, not deal with the heart, not deal with things that was complicated, not deal with things that I can't solve with a calculator.

I am physically exhausted. I tried to go walking today but only lasted for about 40 minutes. My stomach is cramping because I haven't been eating or drinking. I tried, no appetite. I have had a one banana and one apple for breakfast and lunch for the past week. I can't eat, I can't even bare to chew. What the fuck for. Everything is all gone to shit anyways. Get a job? Of course I can get a job but I will still come home alone. Well I don't have a home. I am just alone.

Nothing is sacred to him, maybe I should be the same. He did say that all I wanted was a warm body. I should just take his advices. There are so many warm bodies out there that I can be with but I didn't want that. I wanted CK. He think thats what a relationship is, a warm convenient body. Throw it out when it talks.

I don't want a warm body. I wanted a relationship. I wanted love and compromise. I want a person that I love, and as simple as it may be it's hard to love just anyone. Lust isn't part of my vocabulary. Love and family is what I want. A family of two and if ever, three. That's all I wanted. There is no value in relationships when you have been in multiple ones because there isn't enough time to fully develop it, no chance for it to grow from mistakes made. I just want my life back and I want to improve it. I want him to want to make it better. I want him to stop making excuses. I made excuses why I hated working but he made excuses on why he needed to beak my heart. Different extent.