Losing more

I went jogging with CK's mom tonight. It makes me sad knowing how close she and I are but also the possibility that we may not be friends for long. She told me that CK bought himself a George Foreman grill and had made hamburgers for dinner. he made it just the way that I make it for him. I got a bit nostalgic hearing it although I was also happy to hear that he was enjoying himself. *Pat on the back.*

She and I always carry on a conversations during dinner. We talk about random topics and tonight it eventually got into the topic of Jamaica. "I hope that you'll get to go one day. You'll really enjoy it" She said. She use to saw it with more of a definite tone, "When we all go..." was how she use to start that comment. I answered, "yea I hope that I will get to go with you guys" and she said that I will. I hope that she believes it because I hope so too. My first ever trip to Jamaica was suppose to be with CK, her and her husband. They have share so much of it with me through the years that I feel as if I will be able to get off the plane and know aerial view of the place and know where everything is.

How is it that I am still talking about going to Jamaica with her as I always did with her and her husband in the past. It gives me anxiety now because it is an 'if'.' "You will have more fun if you go with someone from the country" She said. "I know because your not going as a tourist" but vacationing with family.

What is going on with my life? Am I being overly dramatic? Should I not be in despair over losing this extended family? Believe it or not I have never felt this before. The feeling of losing your family. It's not that I fear that I will be alone but it is more of a fear of having my family taken from me. It's strange because I never felt this with my own family. Perhaps because I was never close to mine.

I want my life back. I have so much to improve on and I want to make it better with CK. I don't care if he is a pain sometimes or that he nitpicks everything. He is perfect because he was mine. I was perfectly happy, not 24/7 happy, but I was happy everyday that we were together. I just didn't show it because I felt that it was insensitive in the midst of his stress. I am not beating myself up over what I should have or could have, done differently or what he should have or could have improved on but now that we know what really went wrong we know what to change. We did become two 40 year old but not by choice, we just allowed it to take over us. Now we know. We can change that, make an effort because we will be reminded of what we don't want to revert back to. We will not act like two 40 year olds anymore because we understand that that was what broke us up. We have to change. It's not impossible. He just has to want it. Every relationship deserves the effort in order for it to work. You get out what you put in. We just have to use one another as motivation. Being with him will motivate me to be better because I don't want him to misunderstand me again. I don't want him to think that I am miserable or unhappy when in actuality I was concerned for him.

We know what went wrong so now lets start over. Lets start over. I want my life back. I want CK back.

If we are not back together. I can't accept anything from him. I can't take his money or his help. I can't accept anything from his parents either. I refuse to. In this case it is all or nothing. If we are not back together than nothing that he wants to give me matters. I don't take charities, I don't want pity. Give me death instead. I am not too proud but I will not shame myself.