I tried and tried to occupy my time. I tried to find distractions but it doesn't seem to work. I understand that I do need to start doing things for myself but how could he make the decision for me, that I had to do it alone. He never had to do it alone. Never. His parents were there. I was there. I was there the entire way. I was always there when he was building his career and now I have no one when I need them most. I was there for him along his journey, now that he had reached it he had no use for me. I needed him. I needed him to finally be there for me. As I was for him. We both built what we had. Yes, technically he did the work, he was the one that went to work daily, but we were both there to help his career. he asked me for my opinions. We made decisions based on the both of us and what we wanted. We talked about Baltimore, talked about Texas. We were building everything together. Now that I needed him and he just decided that I should be thrown out.
I need him now more than ever. Now that he has reached his career, I needed us to focus on me now. We were a couple. We were suppose to take turns. He choose to forget that I was always there for him. A year ruined all of that. I was always there. He allowed some bad times in the past year to ruin that. That is so shallow, so heartless. All that we had he threw away over a year of bad time. One out of nine years he had allowed to overshadow all that we had shared, all that we had overcome and grew from. I don't get it. ONE YEAR!
ONE YEAR was all it took for him to forget everything about us. One year was all it took for bad time to break us. None of what we had mattered after just one stupid year. One year was the quantity of time he used in his excuses. One year. I don't get it. How could he be so selfish? One year he threw away everything that we had. It only took one year for him to turn cold.
He never loved me. He was just using me while he worked on his career. As soon as he did he threw me out. I was there all the way, we were there to built his career and it was suppose to be my turn but he threw me out. I was there to help him all the way and he threw me out when I needed him most. He threw me out. He literally threw me out.
We had aways been focused on him, on his career. My turn! What happen to my turn?! It was suppose to be my turn and the picture would have been completed. We would have been complete. What happen to that? What happen to loving someone? What happen to spousal support. I was always there for him, he worked on his career and I took care of us. It was suppose to be my turn. I was suppose to move with him, get a job, he would get a chance to hear about my day at work, we were suppose to talk to me about what happens to us at work at our new home in Baltimore. It was my turn to work on my career. What happen to that?
He threw me away after he was finished using me. He threw me away. Like a stray dog. He threw me away without even a leash. There is no way of getting to him. He just tossed me out.
It hurts so much because I was there for him on his career and he forgot that it was my turn. What happen to 'me' in the relationship. He forgot that I was there. He forgot about me in all of his arrogance and his big career move. He just forgot about me. Hoe do I deal with that. How do I accept that. Nine years, all gone to shit. It wasn't even a fair break up. I left more hurt than I have ever been. It wasn't even a break up. He threw me out and called himself single. He forgot about me in all his high. he had gotten so full of himself that he forgot who was there with him through it all. "He became full of himself...arrogant" hi mom said. Yes but how could he have forgotten me. I was always there through it all. I was there! I was the one that took care of him!
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