Deserving the worst

I never learned how to be selfish so i don't know how to not care for someone. I still think about him even though I know he doesn't care anymore. He has already stopped loving me, turned off his switch just like that. He just went cold. Cold. I never knew he could be this cold, never thought that the man I loved could ever be this deadly.

Never thought that he was capable of murdering me. I can still say with all my heart that I never saw this coming, maybe that's why it hurts so much. I wasn't prepared. Yes things had been sour for the past year but I didn't see it as a threat as he did. He was so intent on having everything his way, everything had to fall into alignment with his unrealistic image of how he wanted people in his life to be that he forgot about the person that I was, am. If he doesn't see something at first glance then it just isn't there. He never bothered to look beneath all of that. He never bothered to remember us. All that we had overcame didn't matter because he says so. All of the sudden none of the nine, ok according to him, eight previous of the years mattered. The last year was just comparable to shit to him. Those years were just wasted inconvenience to him. He never talked about it. He never told me what he was thinking. He simply waited for it to fail. He waited "to see if it would get better" but unwilling to communicate it to me. We could have put in the effort there and then. But he didn't care.

He just doesn't care about us anymore because I had became an inconvenient. I had not been what he wanted me to be. I do accept my faults. His mom was right, "women do tend to get comfortable when they are in a relationship" and I had become comfortable. He said that I stopped caring about myself, not true but, comfortable, yes. I accept fault for that. If only I knew that he put a limitation of us. He lied. He back-stabbed me.

I am a woman that dedicated all of herself to her man only to be thrown out with nothing. I wasn't perfect, I was that 'lazy housewife.' I guess I deserve all that has happened to me. I don't deserve to be happy. I was never happy when I was with my parents so why should I expect someone to want that with me. The more I think about it the more I feel that I deserve this.

I deserve to be alone, thrown out with no one and ironically the only person that I do have are CK's parents. The irony. The irony that I am closer to his mother than I am with my own parents. I have no where to go and I feel so bad that I have to put his parents in the middle of this but I have no one. I still need the familiar feel of a family. I need them more than they need me. CK is their son, I am nobody to them now.