Wishing

I went out for a walk in the rain. I pulled my hood up and kept my eyes down. Cars honking at me and I almost wanted something bad to happen. What's the worst that can happen to me now? Purposely run across the street and get hit by a car? At least my Ipod has my name on it so Id-ing me will be easy.

I came back to the house and CK's mom ask me about a blanket he wanted. She was asking me about something that I am no longer a part of. He had told her that he threw out an old one and needed a replacement for the new apartment. I tried to answer best I could without getting tearing eyed. I described what we had and by process of elimination she figured it out.

I cried in the shower afterward. A new blanket for a new home. A new home without me.

I am a good person and this is how the universe abandons me. It's easy for people to say, "move on" but of course they wouldn't get it. Everyone's different, every relationship is different. There are just certain things in life that you want most. Even if you find something better or achieve something greater there will always be a void in you because you don't have that one thing you want most. That one thing may not be valuable to anyone else but it is important to you. Like a person wanting to be the president of the United States but ends up becoming Bill Gates due to circumstances. Being a president involves much more difficulties and less money than Bill Gates but it's what that person wants. I want my life back with CK. I may meet a doctor and have all the money that I can spend but it won't be the same. I may have children that I love but it won't be CK's children. There will always be something missing. I don't care if my life may get better. I don't want all the things in this world if I can't have it with CK. Naive and hopeless, yes, but that's me. That's my purity.