How have I fallen so far? I have nothing. I have no one. My family doesn't know. My close friends doesn't know. No one knows. I have fallen so hard. I am so broken that I don't care anymore. I literally don't care. I sit here and wish something less painful like death to take me. I wish for a car to hit me. Some stray bullet. I want anything less painful than the hurt that CK had been capable of.
All of his reasonings belittles everything that we had. None of those nine years mattered. He just turned his switch off and it all went to shit. None of it was good anymore. The nine years had been a cruel game to him. I was the subject of a cruel game, of how much can you make someone love you before you stab them in the back, to watch them bleed to death in front of you. If he had some balls he probably would have sat there watching me die in front of his cold iced over eyes.
Why didn't I see that he was this cruel? Was I really that naive? Was I that much in love to see what was happening? I should never have given my heart to him. Why wasn't I more like all the other girls that cheated and used men? Why not, they are happy and each left relationships happy and pockets full. I left was nothing but a broken heart. I should have been selfish. I should never have loved him that much. I should have seen his lies. He lied to me for nine years.
I am trying to break myself away from my heart. I need to stop loving him. I need to be as cold as he is. Without a heart I would be able to do anything without care of who I hurt along the line. Without love then maybe I could be as cold as he is.
I don't want to care about him anymore. I don't want to think about him. I want anything else to happen so that I can stop thinking about him. I don't care anymore. I need to hate him, the same way he has learned to hate me for not being the perfect math problem.
How have I fallen so hard so fast. Just three weeks ago he said that he wanted a chance to miss me. Now here I am tending to the wounds he caused. Here I am now with nothing. Everything in my life have been emptied out and he hands me a bloody pile of my broken heart. How? How can he change so fast in just a few weeks time. One years ago was when he noticed a change in us, he never said anything about it. He waited until now to tell me.
His parents just got home. I love them but I feel awkward because I am not longer family or in my language "to be daughter-in-law." I don't belong here and it just feels wrong. I love being here but too much reminds me of how happy I once was here and they both reminds me of CK.
It's so fucken frustrating. I don't want to cry anymore. I have only been able to go through one day without tears. I am fucken tired of it. God! I am tired. Please make it go away. It is frustrating me to death. I can't stand this. I have not been able to go through one day without forcing the lumps out of my throat. The lump is there all the time from hold back tears and forcing myself from crying. I am fucken tired of this. Fuck love. God what did I do wrong? Why are you punishing me? What did I do that was so wrong for you to do this to me? Why do you want me to suffer?
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