Crusty eyes

I woke up with crusty eyes today. I washed my face and I stare into the mirror for a long while. So this is the face of a girl hopelessly in love. I am not a girl but I don't feel like a woman either.

I didn't cry at all today. I actually felt numb. I guess when it hurts so much your body takes over and everything disappears. I don't want to care about him anymore but I think about him even as I sit in the shell that is my body. In auto drive. I don't feel like I am in control anymore. I sit here looking inside of me but at the same time looking over myself thinking how I could love someone so much. In the reflection I see how my eyes have swelled, for days they have been that way, and the dark rings where the tears had traced underneath my lids.

I don't want this anymore. I can't care about anything anymore. I don't feel hunger, I don't thirst, I don't sleep. I sit there staring around the attic where we once lived together. Everything of ours are here too. Old Christmas pictures of us in matching white and taupe outfits, pictures of us at the beach, the park, the auto show. Us. Pictures of us.

There were no long an 'us.' He didn't want us anymore. He doesn't want me anymore. "I love you," he says "but I am not in love with you." He should have shot me in the heart instead.

I understand what stress he is under with work, job offers and making the right decision, which one to take, and the moves that would come. I understand that but had stress caused him to completely give up on us. It was "too hard." He said "Relationship shouldn't be this hard." How could I have convinced him otherwise. We had been distant, we had been on a three year bump. We were both at fault because neither one of us made the initiative to do something about it. Now we know, now that we accepted what we did wrong I want us to give it another chance.

"Am I not worth it?" I ask "Aren't we worth taking the chance for?" No obvious answer. Just a bunch of words that I can't remember because none were what I wanted to hear. A bunch of words that sounded like excuses, like he had given up on the hardest thing in his life. He had given up on the best thing in his life. We love each other. Period. He is too metamathematical to see that.

How have I turned into that women who begs and plead for a man to stay with her, to love her? How have I become that person? Am I not worth a man groveling over me? Am I not worth a man fighting for me? Am I not worth anything to anyone? Am I not worth the man that I love?