Pleading

I called CK today because I talked to his mom. She told me about him already finalizing all of his moving arrangements and had everything ready to move. She asked if I had spoken to CK and suggested that I called him to find out what was going on since he was coming down to NJ this Thursday.

I called him between 4 and 5. I plead with him. He wouldn't hear it. He had already made up his mind. There's no way that anyone can ever change his mind. I kept prying at his answers and telling him how much he contradicted it. One moment he was saying that it didn't work and the next he says that he didn't really want it to work. He was just tired of being with me.

We were on the phone for almost three hours and I became more angry with what he had to say. he was selfish and didn't care. He kept saying that he cares about me but just didn't want to be in a relationship with me. He spitefully said that he just wanted to be independent and date other women. I said, "why I wasn't good enough?" but I didn't get a straight answer. He said that he stop caring about the relationship within the last year and started thinking of a break up. I ask why he chose to wait this long to break my heart, that he should have done it years ago. He should have let me go when I threatened to leave. Why did he tell me that he would never leave me. I said that "of you just want to be single and sleep around huh? cus I wasn't good enough for you, I wasn't worth it" He spitefully said, "yes, whatever I want to sleep around."

I spoke to his mom during dinner. She ask and I told her what was on my mind. She was as confused as I was. She told em that a few years ago she and CK spoke and he told her that he and I had history and that we had that foundation. She said that he talked about it like it was a sure thing. She said that she would talk to him and try to find out what was in his head.

CK called after dinner and told me not to get his mom involved. I didn't mean to, She and I have always been close. I told CK that I really didn't have anyone else to talk to about it. CK says, "you have friends, every time we come down to NJ you go see them" but I told him that yes they were people I grew up with but I wasn't close to them. I can't tell them everything. You have your mom to fall back on but I have nobody."

I tried to make him see that he was wrong, he had sabotaged our relationship from the beginning. He said that I was such a good person and thought that I was the best for him but that we weren't having fun. He said that I was had been dependent on him and with all of his stress that it was too much for him to handle. He assumed that I relied on him for everything and said that I needed to figure out my life. I told him that we had always made plan with the both of us in mind but he said, "No I made plans, you were just dragged along with it." I said, "we have always made plans together, it was out plan to move but now you have continued with that plan and I am left nowhere, just hanging there with nothing."

I asked how he could talk about getting engaged and getting married and he answered that it was because I kept asking about it. He said that I was pressuring him into a commitment talking about it and my "ticking clock" when in actuality I only wanted to know if he ever planned to marry me. Now he says no, He doesn't want to marry me, that marriage to me would be a life of boredom. He says that I am a good woman, kinds, blah blah but not the one for him. I guess he wants the worst person for him if good wasn't what he wanted. I understand that we weren't really having fun, I did agree with him and accepted that he had become bored and distant. Everything that he says were true but it's wrong because he had sabotaged it. He admitted that he really didn't want it to work from the beginning but stay with me this long because I was the best person for him but just doesn't want that anymore.