Distractions

I woke up late, ate a little bit. Can't seem to keep food down. My stomach would cramp when I do eat. I knew that if I sat in the attic I may fall into another crying frenzy so I went out for a walk. As cold as it was but I didn't care. The sky was misty, as wet as my eyes. Ipod in my ears and the new comfortable specialized sneakers that CK bought me. Apparently I have flat foot and the sneakers compensate with it knick knack extras. I walked and walked for three hours. My hands we numb and swollen from the cold. I never looked up as I was walking. Didn't want to see anyone's face and I didn't want anyone to see my pitying face. Once in a while I would catch a wetness sneaking out of the corner of my eyes. No one was around to see it and even if they did see me crying I doubt that anyone would care.

I came back to the attic and fell asleep. My head pounding worst than it had in days. I frightened myself thinking that there were people that do actually drive themselves mad over losing love. My depression was starting to scare me. I can't seem to get myself out of this sadness. I don't want to wake up anymore. I didn't want to wake up. I am so tired of life. I am so frustrated with love.

I loved you and you left me here to die. Life's hard isn't it but you took the easy way out and you rather break me than to take the chance with me. I should pity you but instead I miss you.

I was always a good person and even now in the midst of all this hurt and depression I still can't bring myself to hate you. I still wish you well and I still worry about you. I don't deserve this at all. I deserve you to want me.

I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I am tired. I just want to sleep and stay asleep forever. I am frustrated with crying, it's giving me such migraines.

God if you'd rather see me suffer than I pray that you take my life instead. I don't want this anymore. I just wanted to be happy. Was that too much to ask for? I am a good person. I am good. Let me die this way before I become bitter, before I hate all that you have done to me. Take me while I am still good.