Cowardly Lion

I would have done anything that we had agreed on. Everyone sits down and works it out, puts it all on the table and comes to an agreement that if X and Y doesn't happen, or if X and Y doesn't improve then there will be a problem. We never did that. We never sat down and talked. He chose to let it fail and then ask why I didn't see it coming. I just didn't. If I knew that there was a possibility that we would break up then I would have seen it coming. If I knew that if and Y absolutely doesn't happen that he would break up, then I would have seen it coming. I want to work on us. But we never talked about it. He just decided to let it fail. He chose to ride it out and watch it fail.

When you want something then you communicate it, you make an agreement and you actually have to put in the effort. I was willing. With all my heart if we had communicated that then I would have done everything. His complains, my complains in the past were just that, just complaints. We never said that it was a make or break. "I accept your shortcoming and you accept mine" That's what his dad said. I would have done everything if I knew that it would save us. We never talked about it. He made up his mind to stop trying a year ago and sat there watching it fail...as I sat there not sure what to say since I assume that it was work stress. I sat there being concerned and accommodating when I should have dug into him and ask more. We never gave our relationship a chance.

I accept all of our faults. Who knew he had a check list. Who knew that he was lying. Who knew that he was capable of sabotaging us. he let it fail just so that he can say that it did. He caused it. he choose to let it fail.

I kept asking when he started hating me but he said that he never did. If he didn't then why would he do this to me. I understand that everyone deserves to be happy, in or out of a relationship but he never gave us a chance. If he didn't hate me then why lead me on? You don't sit there and watch the person you love bleed to death. You don't sit there and allow the "best person for you" to believe that you wanted them. Love or not if he didn't hate me than he would have given me a heads up. He could have said "look if X and Y doesn't happen then we can't be together anymore" he never did that. He just suddenly decided that relationships were too hard and that he wasn't ready to make the commitment.

He used everything that I share with him as the reason, the talk of engagements and marriage, talks, they were agreement that it will happen. Just because I told him that I eventually wanted those things with him he suddenly decided to use that agreement as the reason why he didn't want the relationship anymore. I never ask for a ring, I never ask for anything. All that I ask was will we ever be married, will he ever marry me. That was all that I ask. He was the one that came up with "we should be engaged by the end of the year and get married next year" He said that. Not me. I only wanted to know if I was the one. Well. Now I know. Obviously I wasn't. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't worthy enough. I was too "good for him...the best person for him" but he didn't want what was good. He just wanted to not deal with a relationship. He choose to be selfish. He choose to watch us fail and watch the "best person" for him crumble. Correction!, he didn't watch me crumble. He was too much of a coward that he broke up with me over the phone. He was the same coward that broke up with me years ago through a text message. When will he grow up inside, "he is immature when it comes to relationship" his parents told me. It's not your career that you come home to every night. You career allows you to come home to the one you love. It's the most important things in life that are the hardest to figure out. Math problems that he prefers are easily solved but it's the important things in life that keeps you on your toes.

I am too "different" for him. He wants predictable, easy, simple and obedient. He can't take a challenge. He can't take different. He wants a man just like him. Same in every way, no effort, no unpredictability, no stress, no commitment.