He walked into the house around 10 p.m. I walked toward the door to go get my things out of his car. As he walked through the door he asked, "How are you?" and I ignored the question. A rhetorical question. I took my things up to the attic. So this is what my life looks like now. My entire life bagged up and I am thrown out. All that we have been through and he threw me out like a stray dog. Nine years later he conveniently forgot all that we were. We were happy. Ups and downs but he didn't have it bad. All that we needed was to communicate and we could have conquered the world together. He just expected me to read his mind but at the same time tells me that he's not a mind reader. We wanted the same thing, just needed to communicate to keep us on track.
We didn't talk the entire time he was in the house. We slept in the opposite end of our old bed. I missed that familiar feeling. It made me miss him so much. He was in the same bed with me but it made me miss him as if I hadn't seen him in years. I sobbed quietly and fell asleep. He was there, so close, next to me but I couldn't reach him, couldn't touch him. It was worst than death. I have never felt that emotion before. I had balls in my throat and I just felt like dying. I just wanted to hold him and tell him how sorry I was for everything. I wanted to be the one to apologize.
I missed him and I just wanted to see his face. I am forcing myself to accept that I am alone now. I have force it a day at a a time but it's not right. We never had it bad. Never. I spent all day looking for jobs and reading my old diaries. We were happy. Never a drama. One year. That was all it took and all the happy and good that we had seem to disappear. We forgot all about the good times. I didn't even remember them myself. I had to read over my diary to remind me. We were truly happy then. Good and bad times like anyone else but we were happy.
I can't blame our monotony on the move any more because we BOTH forgot to make the best of the situation. I was probably more responsible since he worked and what else did I even had to do anyway. I just wanted a chance. Too late now huh? He is just that hard headed. No one has ever been able to change his mind. No one. EVER.
I was willing to do anything if we had only communicated. I was willing to work on the both of us because that would ultimately make the relationship. I was already working on us. He just didn't see it because he said he had quit.
In my old diary entry: Oct. 12th, 2002 "We compromised and promised one another that we will always say how we feel about everything" in it CK was a quote that CK said, "This is part of a relationship, you're suppose to argue and fight then make up, that's how you get something across, it's part of a relationship." We were young then but why were were more mature than we are now?
We started dating in February 1, 2002. We saw one another all the time in the school library and I was in the school's newspaper and took his number for some questions, but mainly for me. The first time that I called him he was in class. He didn't know who I was, he didn't know that I was the same person that spoke to him in the library. I told him my name and that I would call him back. He told me later on that it wasn't until he got home that he figured out who I was and that he was anticipating my next phone call. I didn't call him until that Sunday and he told me how happy he was for it. We talked until 3 a.m. even though we both had classes in the morning. We made it official on February 19th, 2002. Three months later as he dropped me off by my house. I gave him a letter, I always wrote letters to him because I wan't good at expressing myself. I noticed that he was stalling me and then he said, "I love you." He told me that he loved me the same day that I wrote him a letter telling him the same. But, he said it out loud first.
September 26, 2002 "I touched his face and told him how much I missed him, he played with my hair, caressed my face and told me how much more beautiful I looked every time he sees me."
October 2, 2002 CK said ["I realize that you've been letting me get away with everything. 'I told him that it was because I was a nice person. Then he said, 'I guess I can't do that anymore now that we've talked.' He took my hand and said, "no matter what I've done wrong to you, never let me go."]
November 17, 2002 "After being in the car and talking for half an hour I was getting my things together and we hugged and kissed, held hands and he said, "never leave me." I don't plan to and I never left him. He threw me out.
December 5, 2002 There was a blizzard outside and classes were canceled so we decided to go shopping. We walked past Victoria Secret and I dragged him in. He bought me lingerie and I wore it for him that day. He kept poking at my breast and telling me how beautiful they looked in the bra. He held me so close and he said that the reason why was because he couldn't believe that I am real. He said that seeing me in the lingerie is what all men dream about and he can't believe that he is living their fantasy. I want that back. I want him to appreciate me like that again. I want us back.
He use to always tell me that he loved me first and I'd answer with "I love you too much." I read how we would spend the entire summer together before he left for NJIT. We'd wrestle and played in bed all day and then get Subway sandwiches.
CK has always been in phases in his life. In college he was in a phases when all he did was hang out with people at school, talk to girls and etc. He had made less time for me so I decided to give him space, time off so that he could do that. The date was Oct. 3, 2004. He was upset, "I don't want us to be apart" but at that time we were younger and it was the right thing to do. Give him space to focus on school and a social life, give me space do my schooling and work, figure things out in our own individual lives. It was tough because he had a life at school and I was in Trenton, working and struggling with classes. He thanked me for giving him the space but then I told him that we should break up instead. He was upset, devastated because he only agreed to a break. I really thought that it would give him a chance to breath. If I was out of the picture he would just relax. He could do what he had to so he could come back to me.
I cried over it everyday. I felt that he wasn't making time for me anyways so just give him the complete space then. CK called me three days after, he said that he knew I wasn't serious, the intentions were right but he said that I was just mad when I ask to break up. He ask to see me the Friday he was coming down from school. He wanted to make up and we did make up.
November 4, 2004. He broke up with me over text. He said that it was because I had gained weight. He said that he had found his right girl but that she had changed, gained weight. He said that he just wanted the "the proportioned body" that I use to have. I remember asking him why he was so shallow. He said that he was young and that it was important.
November 15, 2004 "He missed me so much that he drove to Trenton last Wednesday to see me . He said that he can't live without me. I told him that he was just lonely and missed me because I was always there for him...I saw him at 6 p.m. Saturday because he had texted me telling me how much he needed me. He said that we'll always be together, we're only going through tough time so that we can have a better future with a better understanding of each other....There is always a new reason to why he needs to think. He always needs time to figure things out." He was always asking for time, space to think. It had always been that way with him. Always needing time. He always calls later to apologies , on November 24, 2004, he called to apologize for being a jerk and that he was that way because I was "too beautiful...too nice inside and out" that it was easy for him to walk over me. He wanted to stay friends but each time we spoke after that he would come up with new reasons why he needed to break my heart. He always talked about Karma, he said "I want to move onto someone else" and he did. He met many girls that I later found out about.
December 27, 2004 "He said that he needed to learn how to express himself...he wanted me to figure out on my own why our relationship didn't work out...I truly hope that he's not running away from our problems. I really hope he isn't that evil." He has always chosen to walk away rather than communicate anything.
January 26, 2005 "He told me that in the 10th grade he had a girlfriend that cheated on him...he became bitter and began using girls for sex...he was with eight girls before me." He is over it now and says that he was young then and doesn't feel that way anymore, we both know that but I wonder sometimes if that mentality is still subconsciously in him. He had forgotten all of the past but is he still that way? We had gotten back together that week. "he said that it's not me" that he just needed time to think.
How silly I was then. February 23, 2005 I had gotten him an Samurai sword set for out three years' anniversary but he hadn't gotten me anything. I remember that I wasn't even upset about the no gift part but about the fact that he sat around all weekend watching the All Star game.
We were always taking time off and getting back together. June 1st, 2005, he said "do you know how hard it is to break up with someone that you want to spend your whole life with?" We always took time apart to think. It sounds stupid now because we have never really known how to think together, to figure things out as one. We needed communication. Sometime after that we took another break but were still talking, still "friends."
June 14, "He said that the reason he hasn't put fourth much of an effort is because he's not sure if he want to work it out" He was always taking the easy route in the relationship, always choosing to ignore the small things and letting it grow. At the same time he always says that he never wants to lose me,he said, "[in a few] years or so you will be stunningly beautiful and accomplished and I'm afraid that I won't be able to get you back...He said that the thought of me being with another man makes him sick."
We were "friends," less pressure but we were still doing everything that a couple would. Still going out, hanging out, and he always tells me that he missed me.
"Sometime around July 4th I was at the laundromat...he was suppose to be at work." I remember him saying that he hated that job. He was miserable and "was still hurting from the break up [in June]. He called me up around 1 p.m. asking me where I was and what I was doing and the next thing I knew his car drove up next to mine in the parking lot. I didn't notice him until he walked over and tap on the passenger side window...he looked horrible, like he hadn't slept in days and unshaven. He tried to talk but was so emotional, crying and choking on his words. He told me how miserable he's been over the last month and about how much he feels that he's making a mistake...he tried to touch my hand once but I denied it. I tried to keep my head up and stay strong. I kept telling him that I couldn't." he kept pleading for me to take him back but how could I just do that when he keeps breaking up with me and always asking for time, time to think and figure things out. It's frustrating. "He left, walked to his car and sat there for 10 minutes while I sat in mine, shocked and cold, no emotion, no tears. He then came back but this time came over to the [driver] side, he opened the door crying and bend down, almost kneeling, he grab my hand, he ask me to give him another chance. I told him no and that he should move on because I wasn't ready and that I needed time to do my own thing, to find myself and to be without him." He texted me later that night. He said, "Marry me. I want you to be the first woman I ever ask to marry me." I knew that it wasn't a question but an exclamation that he loved me. A month later I went over to his house after work to get my digital camera that he had borrowed. It was then that we spoke on a better head. "He ask me again and I said yes. Now we are back together. He's changed so much, a total 180...and he is continuing to prove himself to me, to prove that he truly needs me and that he's sure of it."
He always did know how to surprise me, On my 23rd birthday I had been upset thinking that he had forgotten. I went to see him after work. We were laying in bed and he ask me to get batteries for the remote int he drawer and in the drawer instead was a gift bag, my birthday gift! He had gotten me a 14 carat diamond ring. He called it "a promise ring."
November 21st, 2005. CK had been having stomach issues. He was upset that I didn't call as often as he'd like. That was sweet, that he wanted me to call him often. I always felt the same way. Sweet.
Every time that we couldn't, specifically lack to, communicate he would always say that "we weren't compatible" and he always said that he "didn't want to work it out" he says these things every time we're in a jumble but then at the same time he always says he "is afraid of losing" me when he was "suppose to love" me. This time was different, on December 1st, 2005 I asked him for time. This was the first time that he accused me of "bailing out" because he had tried to talk to me. After four years he was still hard as a rock, I wasn't able to get through to him and it was frustrating. Every time there was an issue he would use the excuse of incompatibility to ignore it. "Other than the fact that we can't seem to communicate, we are perfect."
December 6, 2005 "CK called...just to talk...he agreed to give me the time that I needed. This break...will help built me into the person that I was suppose to be. He says he's scared of losing me but this is the only chance for us to grow individually."
January 13, 2006 "I broke up with CK last week, told him that I wasn't in love with him, he cried and hugged onto me and begged me not to leave him alone like this, said that he needed me. I was so hurt. I still loved him but I just couldn't stay" Looking back I never thought that I would be able to do that. CK had kept making excuses each time things weren't right, instead of communicating with me, he would ignore it as if it would go away. We couldn't get stronger or grow as a couple because he refuse to mature in the topic. My frustration had made me start to fall out of love with him, the same way he told me that he fell out of love with me years back over shallow reasons. "I want to fall for him all over again because he is the man I want to end up with, married to and have a family with."
January 22, 2006 "I haven't spoken to CK much since the break up...last night I locked my keys in my car [at the laundromat and I walked home to see if there was a spare key, nope] I had no choice but to call CK [because he had AAA] CK came to pick me up at my house. When we got to the laundromat the car was already fixed. I sat in his car and I just stared at him. I didn't know what to say. I asked if I could at least kiss his cheek, he put his face fourth for me to do so, [I kissed him] and got out of his car. When I started my engine I noticed that he parked his car next to mine and signaled me to come out...I walked over and he came out and hugged me. I knew he began to cry because his body shook. I told him not to do this so he turned...went into his car and drove off. What could I have done differently," I had so much stress with school, work and my family. He was just immature and always looking for an easy way out. He always use to say that if it was meant to be then we'll be together again. I was just tired of him asking for time every few months, time to figure things out rather than talk to me about it. That's what a relationship is suppose to be like, communication.
A month later we were back together. He was wonderful. He had surprised me by driving down from NJIT and waited outside my dorm at Rutgers with a teddy and an orchid plant. He knows I love orchids! He had called me as I was walking toward the dorm, telling me that he was just driving around NJIT looking for food and then there he was, in front of me and not at NJIT.
We never needed any more breaks after that. I didn't think that we needed to. Everything had been great until we moved to upstate NY. We had both been at fault but CK still looks for the easiest way out. He finds excuses every time we can't figure something out. The same excuses and the same lack of communication. Lack of communication. He still makes excuses about us not being compatible or having nothing in common and each time he breaks up he tells me that he "just didn't want it to work." It seem that he hasn't change his relationship aspect of him at all. Everything has changed but his view of us and relationship is still as it was nine years ago. I gave him chances and we always came back together and it was always better each time. We were younger then but I deserve a chance now. We deserve another chance. I want us to fall in love all over again. I refuse to live without the man I love and I want to be the woman he never want to lose. This isn't living. I am simply breathing.
I read a few existing entries from two years ago and I see what a crazy person I was. I let things get to me. I was always upset about not being able to find a job that I let it get to me. It ruined our days. I want to take it all back. I know that I had a lot to do with us not communicating. I was a bitch most of the time. I was emotional and always on him about everything. I have lost him and realizing what went wrong kills me. To know what I could have done better. I didn't know better then. I didn't think that we would ever break up like this. I want to it all back. I want to be better. I accept all of my faults and I see now what I did wrong. It wasn't all CK's fault, most was because of me, because of my emotional roller coasters. I want it all back. We were great together. I refuse to be without him knowing all that I did wrong. Knowing what a bitch I was. I want the old CK back. He was great, he was great before I mopped around him affecting his mood all the time. I desperately want us back. Nothing matters anymore. He always said that "we were working toward something" a future and I always nag, I was never content with just "something" but I want that "something" with him. We had a wonderful something.
I just want it all back so that I can do it better. Not because I have to prove that I can but because I can. I had just allowed everything to get to me. I accept that I was wrong, I accept that I was a bitch. I just wanted another chance to show him how great he was and that I didn't do enough. It's fair for him to say that I "stop living" because in many ways I did. I desperately want us back. I see what I've lost. I see now how much I wanted it. I see that I had forgotten how much it mattered to me. I see that I was so busy being upset over every little thing to enjoy the little things with him. I want it all back. I just want my life back so that I can do better because I know that I am better.
I just want my life back God. Is that too much to ask for? I just want it back. I want us back. We will do better because we have faults to remind us of what we did wrong. We know now what happen. I just want another chance. We had always given one another chances in the past and I just need one more. I can't stop loving him and knowing that my bad attitude and silly stress over things that shouldn't matter, to ultimately be the cause of our unhappiness, this kills me inside. I can't live unless I make it right. It kills me to know that I didn't do better when I have always known how to. I refuse to breath without my life back. I don't want to be like this. I refuse to just give up the best thing to happen to me. What's life without it. I have so much to offer the relationship, I do, I still do. I just allowed the shitty situations to get the best of me a ruin the best thing in my life. I want CK back. I don't care about anything else unless I can fix what I cause to fall apart. I can't be like this. It's too much. We could have done anything if we communicated again. We never had it bad. I just want it all back. To make it better because I see now. He was unhappy in the relationship because my attitude ultimately created that environment in out relationship. My attitude affect the general feel of the relationship as a whole. I just need a chance to make it right. He deserves my love and I deserve his. I refuse to give myself to anyone else, simple as that.
It's even more harder for me to not think of him because I live in his parent's house, in our old room that we once shared. I think of him all the time. The guilt in me kills me, knowing that I did do him wrong, the way that I acted, my bad attitude. I was a horribly bitchy and moody girlfriend that was always upset about something and everything. I see myself now that I've had the time to look back. I read my recent diaries and how stupid my little complains were. I had so much time on my hand that I would over-exaggerate every little thing. It was literally every little thing. I hate that because I was always the fun loving optimistic girl that he loved.
How do you stop loving someone? I love him just as much as ever, even more now and it's killing me that I was that bad apple that eventually caused the relationship as a whole to suffer. I understood when he said that I needed to start doing things on my own and stop depending on him. I have always been independent. I use to do everything on my own so I know that he is wrong about that. I use to work, go to school and took care of all of my responsibilities in life. I was independent on anyone. I have always done things for myself. I understand that it's important and I am willing to do both that and us, but I am not willing to do it at the cost of losing him. I can't accept that our relationship had to end for me to do that. I want to do that more than even now that I see that I was the bad apple. I want it both.
I want to MAKE our relationship and not just the one riding along side. I desperately want both because I can do it. I want to make him happy with me and about me. He has always made me proud and I need for him to see that he was wrong about me. He doesn't trust that I can do all of it but I know that I can now. I just need that chance. I know what I did wrong in the past. Our happiness, my happiness, his happiness, depends on me growing out of the silly emotional me. I want to make us what we both wanted it to be. I ruined it because I let things get to me. I want to make it right.I just needed that chance. He can't possible be that cold. I don't care about proving myself. I just want to do it because it's important to me, because I can do it. It always has been important to me, that's why I was stressed about it before, because I felt that I was starting to fail. I just allowed it to get to me rather than making the best of the 'meantime.' I just want to make it right. I need it. I have never wanted anything more in my life. I've lost us and I need us back. I have so much to offer us and I know that I can do it because I have the old me to prove wrong. My heart hurts and I am tired of crying. This feels so wrong and I feel like I can't breath, I can't live with myself unless I make us right.
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