Learning to hate

Ck got here at about 7:30. The family sat down to dinner and everyone talked as always. I acted normal, as normal as I could. After dinner CK went to the attic, our ex shared room. I wanted to talk. Ask to be normal.

I walked in as he was laying in bed. I as, "so you have nothing to say to me"

"No" He said, "like what"

I don't know" I said "I want us to be normal.

I tried to talk to him, always trying because he was always multitasking with his phone and the TV and fits me in if he can. I basically repeated the same questions I've always asked. It started out with us just simply talking normal, trying to answer, trying not to get upset. he laughed here and there thinking I was funny. I tried to be funny but there were points where I dug into it and ask how he could have been so murderous, so cold. I called him names and ask how he could do this to me.

He gave me a textbook reason to why it did't work, like, "we weren't getting what we wanted out of the relationship and were't where we wanted to be in life..." No true because we never even communicated those things. I called him more names and repeated the same questions again. he eventually got frustrated, said this is why he always hated talking to me. He eventually told me that it is what it is, that no one forced me into the relationship so its my fault that I was hurt, because I chose it. He just doesn't care.

I ask how he can be so cold. How? He was just so cold. No guilt, no remorse. He just kept brushing everything that I said off as if it was nothing. He just stopped caring about me. He didn't care anymore. How did it change so fast? I was used for nine years and I am no better than all of the girls he screwed with in the past, the only different was that I was so kind and selfless that it made it easy for him. He just doesn't want it and tells me to just accept it. It's not that easy. You can't just suddenly turn off your switch.

I left the room and went to sleep in one of the spare bedrooms downstairs. As I left I told him that I wish he will one day be in a relationship where someone will do the same thing to him that he did to me, that it was the only way he will ever know how it feels. I told him that I hate him. and left.

I hate him. I hate him.

The nature of a monster

Looking back I don't think that he ever loved me. He used me. He never really wanted it to work, didn't want us to last. I was just the default person that he comes back to when no one else tolerated him. He told his friends Arjun two years ago that the reason why he hasn't sent me back to Trenton yet was because he couldn't fins someone else. I believe that to be true now. He was just using me until he found someone else. Those were his words. I accept.

He never did care. He says that he doesn't like Asian people, Asian countries, so I was just used. Used for nine years. It hurts but that's the nature of life. Some of us get used and some uses others to get what's wanted. I was the weak one, the one that followed my heart. I was used by CK. He is just a bad nightmare. He is poison, the worst type of people to ever exist. He used me and threw me out.

We never broke up. I was thrown out and forced to deal with it. I am dealing. We didn't break up. It just ended when he threw me out.

Silly me to think that he ever loved me. Silly me to have been used and not even know the symptoms. I do hate the person that he is but I still love the person that I loved. He is a monster and I see that now. He is simply selfish and cold hearted. I have to accept things for what they are. I fell in love with a monster and it ended. I should be thankful.

He doesn't deserve to be happy because he refuses to accept happiness. He doesn't deserve a good person by his side because he will only murder them. He deserves nothing but the karma that he has accumulated.

It's OK. I accept. I was used for nine years and he threw me out. I accept. I accept that his reasons were selfish ones but that's just the nature of a monster. He looks out for himself and destroy anyone and everyone that he no longer has a use for. If he is able to be this selfish to me and this murderous toward me than he never loved me at all. Any smidgen of love would have made him think, would have made him communicate, would have made him pretend that he wanted it to work. There were never any love from him. I was basically whoring myself with him and he was a cheap client. I have nothing to show for the nine years together. Nothing but bags of my life handed back to me.

He does what he wants and doesn't care who he hurts. The nature of CK. He deserves what he gets from now. Success will not the security, love, and faithfulness. He will alway end up alone because he is too selfish to love, too selfish to put someone before him, too selfish to make someone his all when he, himself, is his all. All that he has done to me I hope that he gets it all back ten folds. I hope he gets it all back. Karma is a bitch. I pray that he will get it and God is just.

There will be karma

CK is coming tomorrow to drop off the rest of my things and visit his parents. I don't know how I will react. I cried so much the last time he was here. I have to be strong. There's no use in me getting emotional over a murderous heartless person. I am hoping that I will be able to find something to do outside of the house so that I would lessen face-time with him. He has nothing good to say and no valid reasons for what happened so why bother seeing his face.

I am angry. I was used. I am bitter and I can't stand it. I see now how selfish he always was. I see all the horrid qualities in him that I never saw before. Love is blind. He is a monster, a cold blooded murderer. I don't understand how I could have allowed such a soulless person to hurt me so bad. I can't believe what has happened to my life. It still hurts. I catch myself tearing up before I even know I am thinking of it. I walk and jog and do it repeatedly, with every step I tell myself, "one step at a time." It will eventually stop hurting. He will eventually be just a bad nightmare and I will find someone that will truly love me. CK was too "arrogant," too full of himself to ever let loose and enjoy the small things. His nose was always tipped so high that he never saw anyone above him. He was never able to just be human. Too stuck in his way, too much of a narcissus to ever remember that he was in a relationship. I was never a priority so I was thrown out.

I accept. I accept all that he is now that he has hurt me. I see it all now. I was blind before. I fell in love with a monster and now I see it. He was a wolf in sheep's skin. Always was. I was too selfless, too in love and too busy loving him to see that. That's all that he was. He uses people. Always have. Always will. He deserves all that comes to him. All the karma. He deserves nothing but the karma of what he has done onto others. I don't wish bad on him but how does a person see their wrongs if it doesn't happen to them?

The blog has been down for a few days. It's finally working again.

CK texted me on Tuesday telling me to take the money out of his household card. I had it with me because I was in charged of the household. There was about $500. I cried. It tore me up. Nine years and all that I was worth was $500. It's not about money but to be told that I should take it and use it made me feel odd. It made me feel like I was so small. worth so little. Nine years. i was there from the beginning and I was worth $500.

He will be starting his new job and his new life in Townson, MD next Monday. Am I suppose to be happy for him? Even though it was suppose to be our life together there?

I guess it takes the person that you love most to murder you in order for you to see how blind love was. I loved him so much that I didn't see the killer in him. He is cold and he has always been selfish. I see it subjectively now that I look at it from the outside. He was always so selfish. Always about him and no one else. He used me for nine years. He sabotaged us when it stopped benefiting him. I was never first in his life and I have always known that but I never knew the extent or the degree of where I stood. I was nothing to him. Just a woman that was easy for him to use because I had loved him that much. He will never been a man in love with one woman. He will always be a man thats uses women or even men.

I wouldn't be surprised to find out that he is gay, sarcasm, since he has always wanted someone that was just like him. He thinks so highly of himself, so "arrogant" that the only person that will be good enough for him is a man that is the mirror image of him.

I do really deserve someone better and I know that I will find that person. I want better for me. I don't want a person like CK. I don't want a murderer.

I went for my walk, jog, early this morning since it was suppose to rain later. I left the house at 11:45 and came back at 2. My legs hurt and my migraine came back. I was starting to fall into my nap when CK's mom got home. She came up to the attic and concern-ly ask why I chose to lock myself up in the attic, that it wasn't healthy. I assured her that I wasn't. I do leave the house but always comes back. She said that she doesn't believe me and is concerned that I may go into depression. I teared up and she said I can see that you're starting to get depressed because your eyes are glassy. She says that I should spend too much time in the room where everything reminds me of CK. I understood but it was the only place that I could get quiet.

She got me up and we went to the kitchen to cook together. As we were heading to the stair she hugged me and said that if I am the one he will come back, if it's meant to be then it will be. I know that. I just need to get through each day any way that I could. I love CK and I do want to fix all the wrongs that we had let happen but at the same time I just have to keep going. It's hurts to think about him having a wonderful new life without me but that's life right? You get screw or you get walked over but at the end of the day you have to pick yourself back up. Life goes on. A third of my life all gone to shit. I have to deal with that and mend my broken heart. He is cruel and I will never forgive him. Life goes on.

I went on my Facebook today and CK had disconnected our relationship status. So fast. I don't know why that affected me but it did. It made me cry. It was another confirmation that it was all gone. Nine years of my life has gone to shit. So fast. He has already moved on. He is over me. It hurts and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to process it. It just hurts that much more now. Three weeks later and I am am hurting all over again.

This is it. Everything that I had is gone. Nine years are gone just like that. I can't stand it.

I had finished unpacking my things that CK brought back the day after he brought it but there's still my toiletries, cosmetic and other beauty stuff that I can't seem to bring myself to unpack. I sat on the floor staring at them but I just couldn't do it. It makes me cry and I get angry that this happened to me. Nine years of my life bagged up and handed back to me. I am so angry. He is selfish and I don't care about his sorry ass apologies. He doesn't mean it anyway. He is only trying to look out for himself, there were never an "us". There was just CK and his arrogance.

It rained all day today and I didn't get a chance to go for my walk. His mom came home and called up to the attic. She told me that I can't lock myself in the attic like that. She said that she understood why I was doing it. She said that she use to come up to the room also when CK and I first moved out. It worst than she thinks. At least she knows that he'll come home occasionally to see her but CK will never come back for me.

I cried so bad after she left the room. I tried so hard not to think of him but it didn't work. I need to get out of here. I need to purposely forget him. I still love him and I know that if I don't go far from here I will never be able to let him go. nine years of my life, one third of my life was spend with him so how do I possible throw away such a big piece of me, a large part of my life. We were both responsible for the person that we had became and to throw it all away as if it never happened is so cold. We had both gained more than not. He choose to let the bad time overshadow the entire relationship only because he was afraid of a commitment.

Waking up

I don't want to be over him. It just doesn't feel right throwing out the piece of me that I had for nine years. It is the worst feeling in the world to have to accept the fact that it was all just a dream and that I have to wake up and face reality.

The reality is that I am alone. Alone in every way. I don't have my family. I don't have my friends. I don't have the man that I loved. I have nothing.

My email, 12:49 a.m.

The more that I think about the past nine years, the more angry I get. This is probably what I needed to grow up. I needed the only one person in this world that I love to stab me in the heart and tell me that he wanted us to fail. I needed that in order to become hard and bitter. I am tired of crying over a relationship that didn't mean shit anyway. Nine years all gone to shit, all lies. I don't care what you have to say. You're selfish and that is all that you are. I never ask you for material things, all that I ask was for you to communicate and commit to us. Life's hard, isn't it? It should be easy now that you've thrown out the one things that your success can't buy. You don't have to struggle to fit us into your spreadsheet anymore.

I guess I needed the one that I love most to betray me so that I will learn that this world is full of "jerks and asshole." I guess you had to be the one to teach me that lesson. I hope that you're happy now because I hate you. I have learned to hate you for lying to me, for using me, for taking all of the good from me and telling me that you're just looking out for yourself. You have made me an angry person. I gave all of myself to you. All that I did right was love you and you threw me out like trash. I loved you too much and now I will learn to hate you just the same. You have hurt me more than anything. I never imagined it would hurt this bad. I cried over us everyday for two week but for what? If you wanted me to accomplish things in life, dream big and find myself then you did it all wrong. You didn't have to break my heart to get the motivation across. We could have agreed to work on it individually but together, help one another. But you bailed out. You have only made me bitter and I will only walk over people the way you did to me. You have taught me well. Be cold, be heartless, stab people in the back and use them. Everyone knows the wrong way to get what they want but some chooses to do the right thing, choose to be moral. It's easier to be heartless than it is to do the right thing. I did a big thing by choosing to be good but I will be just like you now. You should be happy that I got the message.

Alone

It scares me to think of where my life will take me now. CK says, "you're always scared to fail." Well of course I am. If I fail, I am homeless. If he fails he has his family. He has always had them and have subconsciously, without inhibitions, been able to do what he wants without fearing that he'll fail because if you have people there to help pick you up then you have never fallen. They picked up up before you even hit the ground.

I have to be scared. I have no one and it was naive to think that I had CK. He threw me out and told me to find my own way in life. Easy for him to say when he didn't actually have to find his own way by himself. He always had his family's literal help and support. He only had to make the decision and they helped with the process as much as they could. He had me when he had to do it all on his own. I have nothing and no one.

I am scared because not will I be alone, I will be far from family, far from anything familiar. I am literally and metaphorically alone. Everyone has someone. Even his mom had relatives here when she came from Jamaica, found a job and then her husband and CK joined her. I am scared of being alone. Not physically but emotionally. I don't have the human contact and it makes me depress thinking about it. I am not the loose type so I don't know how I will manage.

Nine years.

Nine years later he tells me that I was just strung along because I was a good person. Nine years later he tells me that he "really didn't want it to work." Nine years later he bags my life and hands it back to me.

Nine years. I am a woman and I have to accept the fact that I was used and thrown out because he refused to want it to work, he refused to make the effort because we were different. Isn't everyone different? No gray lines, no room for personality, no room for differences, no compromises. Nine years later he throws me out because he just wants to do him, he wants to do what makes him happy. Nine years later he ruined my life and tells me that he didn't mean to but had to do it.

Nine years late I have to pick up the broken pieces of myself and start from nothing. Nine years.

My emails(2). May 3rd 6 a.m.

6 a.m.

I don't believe it, I know that you never feel horrible for anything that you do to people. As long as it benefited you. You know that. It makes it OK every time you pull out the "it's me and not you" crap. You said that after work you should have been able to look forward to spending time with someone special, I am trash, you had already decided that I wasn't good enough so no matter what you wouldn't be happy coming home to me. You weren't getting that out of the relationship because you "never really wanted it to work." once you have made up your mind about it, everything about it, no matter what happen, it was an inconvenience.

Yes, it was a reflection on us. We were unhappy because we eventually did both become unhappy. My idea of what makes you happy would, of course, be what you like the least because you don't like to communicate, I was suppose to read your mind and do what you expected without a clue. yea I guess I ea naive when I wanted to move up to be with you. That's what people in relationships do. The decision to move was easier for me than in most relationship because I didn't work then.

You are right I didn't trust you before and I did admit that if I hadn't move up with you that it would have been hard to trust you. You know how you are. You just admitted that you weren't happy in the relationship so you would have eventually broken my heart with infidelities if I wasn't taking care f you. Ironically I was taking care of you and I lost you anyway. I was not confident in my position not because I didn't trust you. I had swore to you that it was all in the past, I had completely gotten that out of my system a year into living together, otherwise I wouldn't have wanted you to have a social life so bad. I wasn't confident in my position because you say that you never make plans for the future and you can never tell me if we would get get past gf/bf. You always said "I am too young to think about that" You always through that excuse out at me,many many time in the relationship. That's the main reason why I wasn't confident in my position.

I wanted to be an equal also and you know that I have said that before and I did give you convenient because that's how it turned out to be because I never knew that you were thinking. You were sitting there waiting for me to read your mind when I couldn't. Yes, we were not 40 years olds and I hate that we had lived that way. We just forgot that and you refused to wake me from that cycle when you saw it. Yea, you could have tried to play with me but why would you. You didn't love me, it probably wouldn't have been fun anyways because you had already made up your mind that I wasn't the one. Everything that you do or not do was already affected by your previous decision to not try, you just subconsciously quit on everything. I wanted you to play around with me. I missed that. I needed that. We both needed it. I was moody and I know that I was. We were both just in a motion.

Yea, communication. You don't like communicating with me. Yea your excuse is that I am different. I didn't always know what to say. I felt bad that I couldn't help, I often choose to find relieving words when I should have just said what you needed to hear, for you to vent. I knew that you needed to vent but I always thought that I should have been a sanctuary for you to not have to bring the stress home but I forgot that you needed to talk about it first, let it off your chest, then get back to us. I wasn't that naive about that. I know that life is filled with jerks and asshole, I am not that stupid. Yea I am neither of that and that's what I wanted you to come home to, I was suppose to be the person that made you feel that there are good things out in this world, good people, at home.

I know why it lasted this long and that's the reason why any relationship last this long. People what this in their relationship. You will find someone better than I am. she may not be kind but she will have all the things that you want. I was what you need and you don't need me anymore. You don't want love, you want easy so you will find a million more to replace me. You have lost me now because I will never hate anyone like I hate you. I used me our entire relationship because I was good, I was easy.

You have always looked out for yourself and you wonder why I always had an issue with that. You mom have already apologized to me for that in you, so I know that you can't help but be "arrogant...and full of yourself." true, we would not have found happiness if we had continue doing things the way that we did. You choose to watch it fail a year ago and I was just oblivious thinking, "please please God help me break this cycle." I never even had the chance. You had made up your mind to quit, you said it. You were blind to everything after that. We didn't even try. You were just using me for the remainder of the time because it was easy to use a good person. You seem to think highly of yourself, that everyone looks up to you, that everyone relies on you. I looked up to you because I loved you. I was proud of you and yes you took care of the income but I wasn't dependent on you. Yea, you're right you're not the only thing that I wanted out of life. That's why it was hard for me. i wanted it all and I choose to hold onto you while I do that. I would have had that chance one we moved. You ask if a move would solve anything. I believed that it would because it would fix the problem that I had, it would have help me do what I wanted- to be able to bring into the relationship, confidence, and my own identity because I'd be contributing to our future, I'd be happy because I'd be an equal. We would still be the same people, but a better me. You don't believe that but that was what I wanted to do. Doesn't matter now. Having a job alone isn't going fulfill me, but having both in life would have been fulfilling. You didn't feel that way because the job was all you had to your day, you came home to a moody me. The moody me would have been a past once we moved. You would have had a different home environment, a happy one. Silly me to think that It would help the both of us and the relationship.

What you said at Walmart was a lie, No matter how you try to make sense of it now. You lied. If I am the type of person that you wanted to be with then why aren't you. All of the things that I lacked were things that I had but needed to built on. Kind of hard to built on that when we live in a box call 'upstate' without the environment to do that. yea it was easy for you to doubt me when I never really had the chance to prove myself differently. I would have had many many chance but I lost that now.You lied to me at Walmart. Maybe it was unrealistic to want both.

You don't care about me. You want the best for you and just hopes that I will be ok, clear your conscience. You are the worst mistake that I have ever made, a nine year mistake me because I trusted you. I loved you and you ruined me. You used me and you threw me out like trash. I was easy to throw out. I am a piece of trash. i was once a good woman, now I am all used up. I gave all of the good in me and now I am just an old used up trash. I have to whore myself to get by because that was obviously what was doing with you. Turned out that it wasn't love, I was whoreing myself for a place to stay.

Yea of course you didn't want to ruin my life, it wasn't a hard decision. It comes natural to you. You were never affected by my tears anyways. I do think small, I think small of you now. You're a coward and you deserve to be alone, you deserve to be miserable because all you care about is yourself. Your mom says that she's afraid that you will be end up alone because of the kind of person that you are. She may be right. You don't deserve anything that money can't buy. You will always come home to a fancy apartment with nothing but your "arrogant" self. You don't deserve to be loved by anyone because you are too selfish You have to have your way so no one will ever be good enough. If I wasn't good enough then no one is. I did dream big but you took it away from me. I don't care how many sorries you throw out because you have never been apologetic about anything in your life. You will walk over anyone to get to where you want to be. If you don't grow up you will be a lonely old man.

I fucken hate you because you used me. For nine years you used me. I fucken hate you. You have ruined my life. No matter what you say to excuse why you needed to walk over me, you did and you are not sorry that you did. You choose to give up but then blame the failure of the relationship on the both of us. You made it fail because you decided to let it fail. I fucken hate you. You have ruined everything good in me. Yea karma will get you if hell doesn't get you first. I feel sorry for you because you have always used people to get what you want, you tell them what they need to hear and you use them. You used me and you fucken threw me out. "Recycled"? really. You have no remorse, no moral, no humanity. you have no heart, you are fucken cold. You used me. I hate you! I hope you find your perfect man. I hope he looks just like you and shadows you in ever way. That's the only thing that will suit you, your perfect man.

7a.m.

You have told me more in this one letter about us then you ever have before. I guess that proves that you really never wanted us to last at all, otherwise you would have chosen to talk to me throughout the years. If you wanted us as much as I did you would have spoken about things that were unpleasant and uncomfortable. You wait until now after you have broken me to explain it. You really don't have the "guilt" gene do you?

This would have all been nothing if we had just communicated. You chose not to communicate because X and Y and Z and because I was hard to talk to. You forget that we are two different people. It's bound to happen. You communicate anyway because it's needed.

You said " It wasn't just the location, when I get home it should be my escape where I can look forward to going to spend time with someone special. I wasn't getting that in the relationship." I was't special remember, You made up your mind that I wasn't so why would you want to come home to me? You had allowed whatever reason to overshadow me. That's how it is with you, once you make up your mind about something, once you label something, it sticks no matter how much better things may be.

We were two different people. You were stuck in your ways where you gave no one the gray line to be different. You are so set in your ways where if someone doesn't agree with your method or with you then they're wrong. You are adamant and head strong, "no one can ever sway" you otherwise once you have formulated any thoughts in your head. You are also stuck with the notion that I am just naive when I am that way at home with you because you deserve all the good in me. The same way that you're one way at home and then a totally different person at work and with your friends. Everyone's like that. It is true that I sometime don't let things get to me now. This wasn't always my philosophy. I learned that from you. You use to tell me not to stress over things that can't be changed or fixed. Everything use to get to me. I use to let things get to me when we started dating, you and your mom taught me to let go of what doesn't make or brake.Like when you vent to me about some asshole, I remember you talking about people at GLI and how there are certain character everywhere and they are just that. I didn't want you to be upset by them or by certain situations because you and your mom have taught me, "well whadyah gonna do bout it." I was your sanctuary. I do understand what you mean when you said that it helps you learn about those people and how to handle that type of situations if it comes up again. You always tell me that "life is hard...filled with jerk and asshole" as if I didn't already know. You forget that I had a hard life. I know all of that. It is not naive, it's how I cope, I use to let everything get to me but now I pick and choose what I should stress over. I should have allowed you to vent your own way instead of imposing my new method on you. Because I have learned the right and wrong way to handle things from you and your family I just choose to learn from situations but I don't get it make me mean or change me into a hard rock. Especially because when we get home we want to be the the real us.

You keep saying that you don't believe that we would get better, you "did not believe we would eventually find happiness" because you had already made up your mind that relationships were hard. You had decided to let it fail before it even had a chance to go into the next stage. It never even had a chance because you "didn't really wanted it to work." So it's only right for me to say that you sabotaged it with your negativity and pessimism.

You said that "This was a selfish decision; I was looking out for myself." True and that's just the type of person that you are. So I have to tell myself "whadyah gonna do bout it" right? That's just the type of person that you are. You never wanted us to last because you were afraid to commit. Always telling me, "I am too young to think about" that. You were always too this or that to accept that life progresses. You choose to only deal with the things you can compute, things that you can use a spreadsheet and calculators for.

You don't care about anyone but yourself and I have to accept that now. I use to excuse it on the fact that you were a single child. You always said, "I'm an only child, I never learned how to share." You never learned how to share your life with me. I really see that now and what's worst is that all the mistakes that you've made with me someone else will benefit from it. That makes me feel used. We were suppose to learn from our own mistakes and improve together. That's the ways relationships are suppose to be. Couples always make the decision to work and improve on their faults together. You can only improve and work on faults in that relationship from within that relationship.

You gave it all up even before we had the chance. We never had a chance. It was a downfall from the moment you decided that relationship were too hard. You have always chosen to walk away rather than communicating with me. We never really tried to communicate, we've only had censored talks and disagreements. We have never given it our all because we never had a reason to. You were busy crossing your fingers hoping for it to fail so that you would never have to deal with a relationship and commitment. We both never tried.

"Deal with it" right? I have to now. I don't have a choice. I was thrown out so I have to get on with it. You have no guilt, no remorse, no heart. Sometime I feel that you need to have married friends just so that you hear how good you have it and how little effort you put into us, how much my actions made sense even though it wasn't what you wanted, how little effort we actually put into making it a success rather than just being an OK relationship.

You sabotaged us years ago and we never had a chance. You used me and you threw me out. I have to accept that. As a woman it's hard to accept. I might as well be whoring myself around since that's what it turned out to be. How little I have turned out to be. A woman's worth means nothing to you because you use people. You used me because I loved you. I made it easy because I was good. You have ruined all of that in me. You must be proud of yourself, knowing that you had the power to break someone, that someone gave you the power to ruin them. You have broken me in every way possible. Be proud of yourself, stay arrogant, stay cold, and stay selfish. You will get all the material things that you want but nothing that you will ever need or deserve.

His reply email back, sent at 11:45 the night of May 2nd

Weather you believe me or not I must answer a lot of questions for you.

What I have done to you is horrible; people have shown more compassion for people they killed. I am not happy with myself for doing this and it kills me seeing you like this, we shared a life and I killed that for selfish reasons. My life did not turning out filled with anything I believe would make me happy, I had no days where I felt that I had a good time, days were passing by with no upsides. That’s because of me not you even though you end up suffering for it. It wasn’t just the location, when I get home it should be my escape where I can look forward to going to spend time with someone special. I wasn’t getting that in the relationship. There were times when I was even looking forward to going to work to have a few laughs.

This isn’t a reflection on you, but on us. We could not find a balance were we could enjoy each other company. It’s ironic that your idea of how to make me happy was what I like the lease about us. You wanted to come up here to be with me at all cost, you choose to move here, for many reason. One because you wanted to be close to me, other reason you wanted to keep an eye on me because you didn’t trust that we would last and the other was you were living with me and my parent and you had to come.

You did not completely trust me, and that one thing I cause in our earlier days, and once you lost trust for someone it is hard to get back. I never completely got that back. That was hard for me to accept, how can I have a happy future with someone that did not complete trust me? I did not know in our earlier days how important trust was in a relationship. Even if you forgave me for those bad decisions, it still had an effect on us, you were not confident in your position, you question a lot of my actions, is this what a black girl would do, for example.

I wanted an equal, you gave me convenience. The irony continues, when I got home you let me be, made sure I was relax and comfortable. We are not 40years old, I am not an old person that had a hard day at work, I sit around a cubical all day, and I have the energy. What you did was not wrong, it was just who you are, and that another reason, that will not change were ever we are. We don’t have any fun no matter what’s going. How can we just sit here the entire time and not have some kind of entertainment. We both just did not want to bother each other; I could have tried to play with you too. But if I did what would you say, “ what’s wrong with you” “are you trying to make up for something” even though you meant it to come across as a joke the fact that you did not completely trust me made me question myself and it was a big turn off.

Communication was another reason; we don’t speak the same language most times. I felt that sometimes when I told you something you either did not understand or gave me the wrong advise. I like having someone that could give me answers that I can agree with. You have a different philosophy on how thing should go. Your point a view is mostly to not let things get to you, that is hard for me, just about everything gets to me, I let it get to me, it helps me learn about people an how to handle these situations when they come around again. Life is hard, it’s filled with jerks and assholes, you are neither and sometimes it makes you come across as naïve.

You are a good person, you have a good heart and you truly love me. That is the reason why we last that long, every time I wanted this to end I would think about what I was loosen and it always made me stay. I know for a fact that I will never find anyone that will feel the same way about me as you did. That was hard to give up, throughout the last few years you could tell I was conflicted with us, there were times that I found it hard to stay in the relationship and there were times were I looked pass our faults and look into your soul and found reasons to stay. You are a beautiful person inside and out, and after putting you through this I have lost you forever.

This was a selfish decision; I was looking out for myself. I did not believe we would eventually find happiness. May years have passed with us and times have only cemented our wounds. It is hard to know if this was the right decision, I have never been in anything like this, “maybe this is as happy is it gets”, that was hard to accept. I feel that you are still stuck in your naïve ways, you need to find your way in life, you need to harden, and figure what you want out of life. It can’t just be me, need to gain direction because being with me and having a job just isn’t going to fulfill you. It did not fulfill me; I wanted more substance out of my life.

The way I went about this was wrong, but I didn’t know the right way to do it. You don’t deserve this; the only reason you are in this position was for loving too hard. What I said to you in the parking lot of walmart wasn’t a lie, you are the type of person I would like to spend my life with. You just need more life experience, more confidence, and more purpose in you self. Your lack of confidence was another main factor, you can say what you want but you lost that and cant get that back being with me, because I was the main factor that cause you to dough yourself.

I know there is no reason that can explain what I did, and I am sure that you may not believe me or agree with my view, but that just what they are my view. This is how I feel about us. I care about you and want the very best for you, I will help you anyway I can to do, if you want it. I know you will want to hate me but you don’t have that in you. But you will find yourself and will look at me as the worst mistake you ever made.

I feel pain when I see you like this, I hate seeing you cry because of me, I wish there were other ways I could have done this but I am just not that smart. And no matter what you may think I did not want to ruin your life, I do not enjoy putting you through this. But to stay in a relationship with someone just because they did so much for me and not be happy isn’t fair to anyone. I want you to be happy and have an accomplish life. Just try not to think small, you have a lot to offer dream big, and forces yourself to achieve greatness, you have that in you, and it will happen to you, it is what you deserve. You just have to dream big.

I know sorry does not make anything better, but I truly am.

My email to him on May 1st 10 p.m.

I will never forgive you. I thought that you loved me but I thought wrong. You bailed out on us the moment things didn't go according to your un-existing plan. I loved you for nine years and threw me out. Yes, three years ago we should have focused on our career and been together long distant but no one ever thought of that because who knew that the economy would fall when we got to upstate. We could have both focused on our careers together there too but because of circumstances it didn't happen and now I am being punished for it. I am being punished because I had the wrong reactions. I should have been selfishly happy when I was busy being worried about you as you were feeling responsible for me. You have always thought that I was simply stressed because I just wanted a job but it was what the job would allow me to offer the relationship that I wanted. I never wanted you to be responsible for me, that wasn't fair and it made me feel guilty. I had loved you too much but didn't know how to go about it. I wanted us both to take care of one another. Give and take. I always wanted best for the both of us but now I am being punished because you bailed out, because things didn't go according to your un-existing plan.

You never wanted us to work out otherwise there wouldn't be so many excuses. You always wanted communication but you never talk to me and it's always my fault why you can't, but if you never made the effort then the only way I get you to talk is to bug you. Every woman tells me that seem to be the only way to get a man to talk, persistently ask until he does. Men don't communicate. I tried my best, my best wasn't much because we both know that it's hard for me to be expressive or openly talk, I've always use to write you letters. I was moody and bitchy most of the time but I know I knew better, just didn't know how to break the cycle and you were just a rock, unbreakable.

To you, we weren't worth the effort. I was shit to you. A piece of trash you can just throw out when you move to a new place, a new life that you teased me with only to pull it away. That's what hurt most, I thought that I as suppose to go to a new place with you, a new start, a chance for me to show you that I was just in a phase. Turned out I was trash to you, dispensable. I was easily replaceable because I was nothing to you.You were in the 'new.' No matter how you justify it to yourself, you technically, physically and in every way, bailed out. You refuse to give us a chance not because you had a valid reason but because you had a selfish reason. It's easy for you to justify your excuses when you bring up the "what about me" crap.

We can't take back what happened but you just choose to give it all up. You choose to give me up. Couples usually talk about the hard time that they went through together and how they were able to get through it together and how thankful they were that they did it but we, you, will never have that type of reflections in life because you choose to bail out when things get hard. Good relationships last until things get hard and they quit, but strong lasting relationship are those where the two communicate their differences and worked toward a common destination, the success of the relationship and in their own way. You bailed out.

Yes, you said that no one said we are suppose to be together or be together this long but you, generally speaking, will never be with anyone for any length of time if you bail out every time things don't go according to your un-existing plans.

I will never forgive you and I hate you but I will never wish bad on you. I hope that you're happy and I hope that you'll find someone completely opposite from me because you obviously don't like trash like me. I loved you so much that there were days where I get so frustrated with you, but also so much that I never wanted to go a day without seeing your face. That's the difference between us. I loved you unconditionally where you only love me when I was empty headed, opinion-less, and robotically submits to your stubbornness. So you're right we are too different. I, love but what you want is something that is convenient and easy. You don't know or care what love is. Especially when it stops being easy. Love and relationship only benefits you and matters to you when it is easy. You should look it up,"Love," there may be a vague explanation. When the relationship gets on it's roller coaster, like all relationship does, you bail out each time, asking for "time to think, figure things out" and you come back as if ignoring it in your timeout made it disappear. That's the difference between relationship that fails and relationship that succeeds and last. Maybe an altruistic can't exist with a narcissistic like yourself. Opposites attract because it's the best of both world but you choose to use that as an excuse. I always thought that we were the best of both world. I loved us. I loved what we were. It was beautiful and we always had compliments. ALWAYS.

I can't believe that I loved you. I truly can't. How did I not see that you were this cold? Like loving with a serial killer and not even knowing it. I can't believe that I loved you that much that I didn't see it coming. I know that I had made it unbearable with my moody-down attitude. We both could have tried but we didn't. You saw us become monotonous a year ago and I could have used that same wake up call from you, we were both just in the motion but you chose not to communicate with me when it was one of the few time that it was needed. I didn't see it coming because I was optimist that it was temporary, it wasn't us to be boring, we were always happy, that's who were we. We use to be happy just wrestling in bed, you biting me all over, bruising one another with bite marks and making love all day, then getting up to eat Subway and do it all over again. We forgot who we were, younger then , less stress then or no moody Kera then, or whatever it was we knew how to make the best of everything then. We just forgot that because we were in a motion. I forgot that I didn't have to feel like a burden, and that you don't have to feel like you're responsible for me, even though you're the bread winner I am not dependent on you. I was simply naive, I felt responsible for you stressing over me too and I wanted to be accommodating...but consequently became sad about it and then bitchy. I always had good intentions but came about with things all wrong. These are just simply 'who gives a fudge' explanations. I have never really known how to initiate or openly talk about things that are unpleasant or hard in the relationship. That has always been a fault of mine. Something I have always struggled with my entire life.

I know that the 'us' doesn't matter anymore and nothing I say matters now but the fact is I will always love you and always have. That's the only one thing that you can be 100% positive about in me. I am numb now and I can't seem focus or assemble myself but at the end of each day I have to go to sleep remembering that you threw me out and you gave up on me, on us. You have never known or will ever know how it feels to fail at the one thing that you want most in your life, the one thing that no money and no success can buy. It may not make any sense to you and you may never be able to calculate that in your computerized mind but no matter what happens and how it happened, it's a failure that I can't take back. I am dealing with it. I have to move on like you are. I accept everything that has happened and the faults. I accept that we both had faults in this but if I could have done it all over again I would. I would remind myself how much I loved the small things that we enjoyed and how much it mattered. How much those small things jigsaw together and made us happy. I wouldn't change you or me for the world, I love you unconditionally, but if I could have change anything it would have been to take back those two years that I had, little by little, gradually made depressing.

I do want you to be happy, I swear that I do because I have loved you everyday, that's just the altruistic defect in me, and I know that I will eventually move on too. I love you that much and because of it I will hate you for what has happened. Not that it matters to you. You will be too busy being happy with your new life, in your new home, in your new fancy lively hip Baltimore. And I would be a vague memory because trash don't matter once you've taken it out. Not your problem anymore right? "Recycled" like you said, like all trash are.

I didn't cry at all today. I did wake up with crusty caked up eyes this morning but I don't remember crying to sleep. I had probably the worst migraine that I've ever had. I tried to lay down but it only got worst when I rest my head. My chest pounded loudly and it hurt. I cried so hard the morning CK left that I remember my lips and finger tips getting tingly. I was so angry, I clenched my fist so hard that I would have cut through my palms. I feel like the old me is dying. Everything is new to me now. New pain, new sensations going through my body. Anger and frustrations. I am bitter. I am broken. My heart hurts and I need someone, something to fill the void. If I can't be with the one that I love then I will be with someone that I don't care about, as long as they are good to me.

My head is pounding. My chest hurts. I feel sick. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I am in a million pieces but he is still in each shattering pieces.

When he is starting his new life, I will be here. He will live in his exiting new city and I will be nowhere. He threw me away.

He will be happy without me. He is happy without me.

Don't have the luxury to fail

He says that I just have to do what I have to do. It's unfair for him to tell me that when he has his family to fall back on, not that he needs that now but he has always have help. "You don't have that luxury" he says "so you can't afford to fail." I understand that its easy for him to say it because he has no idea how that feels like. He lived at home, saved money before he ever moved it. His mom showers him with gifts and always buys us things for the house. I am starting with nothing. "Stop being your own pity party" he says to me "You're always scared to fail."

Cold, unconcerning and dismissive words from the man that I loved, the man that I thought cared about me. What happened to him. Did the past two years ruined him that much? Was it that miserable and unbearable that he has the need to treat me the way that he does now? I don't deserve to be talked to like this at all.

I knew that he would be in the house all day yesterday so I made sure that I went out for my walk, jog, whatever it was. I was out for six hours. I just didn't want to see him and started crying in a full house. I came back in the house at 6 p.m. and I hear him say "hay" looking at me from the dining room I looked around as if he was talking to someone else in the house. "You're talking to me?" I ask since he hasn't said a word to me until now. "You've been gone all day" he said. "Of course" I answered" I have nothing to say to you and you obviously have nothing to say to me other than 'oh, I have nothing to say' to me." I sat in the dining room with him waiting to hear something different. "You look good" he said "Really?" I snapped "You're going to compliment me now? You're seeing it now? I was this weight two weeks ago before you broke up with me, you didn't see it because you didn't want to." I can't remember what else was said between the long silence and eye contacts. I just remember ending it with "Yea you have nothing to say. 'deal with it right'? That's what you're going to tell me" I yelled under my voice. I walk out and said "Fuck me right? Fuck me!"

I tried to talk to him last night while we were laying on the opposite side of the bed, our bed, in our old room. I tried to dig into him for answers and he kept getting frustrated and turning over to watch TV. He has never been able to focus on one thing at a time. He always multi-task between the laptop, on the game console and pretending to listen to me talk. He said sorry a few time depending on what I was exclaiming that I was hurt by. Never apologetic, just mild sorries He fell asleep after an hour of me talking. "this is why I don't like talking to you" he said "because you always hear what you want to and twist up everything I say." Annoyingly I snapped "Oh you talk to me? I thought you said you don't like to communicated. I am just trying to get the truth out of you because you seem to change your excuses all the time, contradicting yourself every time I repeat a question."

"So how did it feel" I ask "when you were packing all of my things into bags?"

"I felt bad" he said "It felt wrong but then I got here and you started talking to me and then I remember why I did it" I remember starting to cry, I muffled my face into a pillow and he began to fall asleep. I cried about an hour and eventually feel asleep.

I cried all morning before he left. He tried to rub my shoulder twice. "Sorry" he said. At 1 p.m. he got his things and walk pass me. A last "sorry" before we left the house. I cried loudly into the pillow. I couldn't muffle it enough. It hurts too much. Since the break up I have only been able to go through one day of dry eye.

He rather throws me out that work on us

I made him read the old cards that he wrote me. I told him to rad it and tear it up. AS he read it it just said, "Aw" lovingly as if he was reminded. We had both forgotten how much we loved one another but he insists that The last two years overshadowed all that we had. He said that it's a timeline where things were suppose to get better and it didn't so he just didn't want it anymore. Even though we now know what really went wrong he just gave up. If the previously seven years meant anything they would have have been ruined by two. He says that it had, the two somehow says what we are now.

I cried and I cried but h is hard as a rock. He kept saying sorry as if it was nothing, Sorry I spill the milk type of apology but he was not apologetic about what he had done to me and to us. Us didn't matter anymore, It hasn't matter to him i since sometime last year. Nothing that we had mattered because he just doesn't want it. He doesn't want to commit.

I understood when he said that everyone gets a chance to find themselves before settling down. We both agreed that I shouldn't have moved up to be with him three years ago like I did. We should have had a long distant relationship like most couple had to do. We should have done that and I would have started a career in NJ the same time he was in upstate NY getting the company's name into his resume. But then again how could we have known that there were no opportunity for me to do that in upstate. I didn't realize that we should have done it long distant until two years in and by then we were looking to move. By then it was probably too late. I was getting stressed over not being able to find a job and my attitude was affecting the relationship. Now there is no relationship.

He kept saying that he didn't want to be responsible for me, that I waited for him for everything. That wasn't by choice. I wanted to contribute. He misunderstand why jobs were important to me. I wasn't stressed that I couldn't find a job. I was stress because I couldn't help out. I didn't want him to be responsible for me. I wanted us both to do it. It wasn't the job but what the job offered us. It's all gone now. He just decided that he didn't want it anymore. Just like that. I told him that yes, moving would fix things, at least 75% of what causes our problem while we would have less stress ans be able to communicate again. So yes, moving will fix us because we would have been moving into an urban area, do more, more jobs, I would be happier that I was working and contributing. He doesn't understand that.

Yes it's unfortunate that we didn't know to do the long distant relationship while working on out career but why break us up just for me to do that. I would have had plenty chance and opportunity to do that once we were in Baltimore. He says that he doesn't believe in me, doesn't trust that I will actually do it. He has no faith in me. He thinks so little of me. Just because I have been living with him and relying on his income believe that I can't do it. I just haven't had the chance and we both understood why. We both knew why I was stressed. We understood so why bring it up as aother excuseHe knows that I have always been independent before we moved in together. I just wanted to stay that way for us, that's why I was stressed. He makes the decision for me telling me that maybe I need to get back to my independence but without him. How does that make sense. Every reasonings that he has come up with has been an excuse to break up just because he is afraid of a commitment. He makes decision for me by telling me that he is breaking up so that I can do X and Y. How does being in a relationship stop me from that. I would have been guaranteed to have more opportunity in Baltimore.

I understand that we didn't each get a chance to focus on our individual career but Why am I being punished for it now. I wanted him there. I could have done it with him there. How does a relationship stop me from that. His career is already in order so that meant that I could then focus on mine. True, we could have done it long distant in the past three years but why should that matter now. He just gave up. He just didn't want me anymore. He threw me out just like that.

Looking back

I prepared all day on how I would be around CK when he gets here. He thinks so little of me lately that I just wanted him to see how much I had worked on getting us back on track. For weeks I had purposely wore more big t-shirt so that I could just jump out of my cloth and into a skinny dress when we celebrated his job offer. Never happened. I never had the chance. I got back on track a little too late. I just want us back.

He walked into the house around 10 p.m. I walked toward the door to go get my things out of his car. As he walked through the door he asked, "How are you?" and I ignored the question. A rhetorical question. I took my things up to the attic. So this is what my life looks like now. My entire life bagged up and I am thrown out. All that we have been through and he threw me out like a stray dog. Nine years later he conveniently forgot all that we were. We were happy. Ups and downs but he didn't have it bad. All that we needed was to communicate and we could have conquered the world together. He just expected me to read his mind but at the same time tells me that he's not a mind reader. We wanted the same thing, just needed to communicate to keep us on track.

We didn't talk the entire time he was in the house. We slept in the opposite end of our old bed. I missed that familiar feeling. It made me miss him so much. He was in the same bed with me but it made me miss him as if I hadn't seen him in years. I sobbed quietly and fell asleep. He was there, so close, next to me but I couldn't reach him, couldn't touch him. It was worst than death. I have never felt that emotion before. I had balls in my throat and I just felt like dying. I just wanted to hold him and tell him how sorry I was for everything. I wanted to be the one to apologize.

I missed him and I just wanted to see his face. I am forcing myself to accept that I am alone now. I have force it a day at a a time but it's not right. We never had it bad. Never. I spent all day looking for jobs and reading my old diaries. We were happy. Never a drama. One year. That was all it took and all the happy and good that we had seem to disappear. We forgot all about the good times. I didn't even remember them myself. I had to read over my diary to remind me. We were truly happy then. Good and bad times like anyone else but we were happy.

I can't blame our monotony on the move any more because we BOTH forgot to make the best of the situation. I was probably more responsible since he worked and what else did I even had to do anyway. I just wanted a chance. Too late now huh? He is just that hard headed. No one has ever been able to change his mind. No one. EVER.

I was willing to do anything if we had only communicated. I was willing to work on the both of us because that would ultimately make the relationship. I was already working on us. He just didn't see it because he said he had quit.

In my old diary entry: Oct. 12th, 2002 "We compromised and promised one another that we will always say how we feel about everything" in it CK was a quote that CK said, "This is part of a relationship, you're suppose to argue and fight then make up, that's how you get something across, it's part of a relationship." We were young then but why were were more mature than we are now?

We started dating in February 1, 2002. We saw one another all the time in the school library and I was in the school's newspaper and took his number for some questions, but mainly for me. The first time that I called him he was in class. He didn't know who I was, he didn't know that I was the same person that spoke to him in the library. I told him my name and that I would call him back. He told me later on that it wasn't until he got home that he figured out who I was and that he was anticipating my next phone call. I didn't call him until that Sunday and he told me how happy he was for it. We talked until 3 a.m. even though we both had classes in the morning. We made it official on February 19th, 2002. Three months later as he dropped me off by my house. I gave him a letter, I always wrote letters to him because I wan't good at expressing myself. I noticed that he was stalling me and then he said, "I love you." He told me that he loved me the same day that I wrote him a letter telling him the same. But, he said it out loud first.

September 26, 2002 "I touched his face and told him how much I missed him, he played with my hair, caressed my face and told me how much more beautiful I looked every time he sees me."

October 2, 2002 CK said ["I realize that you've been letting me get away with everything. 'I told him that it was because I was a nice person. Then he said, 'I guess I can't do that anymore now that we've talked.' He took my hand and said, "no matter what I've done wrong to you, never let me go."]

November 17, 2002 "After being in the car and talking for half an hour I was getting my things together and we hugged and kissed, held hands and he said, "never leave me." I don't plan to and I never left him. He threw me out.

December 5, 2002 There was a blizzard outside and classes were canceled so we decided to go shopping. We walked past Victoria Secret and I dragged him in. He bought me lingerie and I wore it for him that day. He kept poking at my breast and telling me how beautiful they looked in the bra. He held me so close and he said that the reason why was because he couldn't believe that I am real. He said that seeing me in the lingerie is what all men dream about and he can't believe that he is living their fantasy. I want that back. I want him to appreciate me like that again. I want us back.

He use to always tell me that he loved me first and I'd answer with "I love you too much." I read how we would spend the entire summer together before he left for NJIT. We'd wrestle and played in bed all day and then get Subway sandwiches.

CK has always been in phases in his life. In college he was in a phases when all he did was hang out with people at school, talk to girls and etc. He had made less time for me so I decided to give him space, time off so that he could do that. The date was Oct. 3, 2004. He was upset, "I don't want us to be apart" but at that time we were younger and it was the right thing to do. Give him space to focus on school and a social life, give me space do my schooling and work, figure things out in our own individual lives. It was tough because he had a life at school and I was in Trenton, working and struggling with classes. He thanked me for giving him the space but then I told him that we should break up instead. He was upset, devastated because he only agreed to a break. I really thought that it would give him a chance to breath. If I was out of the picture he would just relax. He could do what he had to so he could come back to me.

I cried over it everyday. I felt that he wasn't making time for me anyways so just give him the complete space then. CK called me three days after, he said that he knew I wasn't serious, the intentions were right but he said that I was just mad when I ask to break up. He ask to see me the Friday he was coming down from school. He wanted to make up and we did make up.

November 4, 2004. He broke up with me over text. He said that it was because I had gained weight. He said that he had found his right girl but that she had changed, gained weight. He said that he just wanted the "the proportioned body" that I use to have. I remember asking him why he was so shallow. He said that he was young and that it was important.

November 15, 2004 "He missed me so much that he drove to Trenton last Wednesday to see me . He said that he can't live without me. I told him that he was just lonely and missed me because I was always there for him...I saw him at 6 p.m. Saturday because he had texted me telling me how much he needed me. He said that we'll always be together, we're only going through tough time so that we can have a better future with a better understanding of each other....There is always a new reason to why he needs to think. He always needs time to figure things out." He was always asking for time, space to think. It had always been that way with him. Always needing time. He always calls later to apologies , on November 24, 2004, he called to apologize for being a jerk and that he was that way because I was "too beautiful...too nice inside and out" that it was easy for him to walk over me. He wanted to stay friends but each time we spoke after that he would come up with new reasons why he needed to break my heart. He always talked about Karma, he said "I want to move onto someone else" and he did. He met many girls that I later found out about.

December 27, 2004 "He said that he needed to learn how to express himself...he wanted me to figure out on my own why our relationship didn't work out...I truly hope that he's not running away from our problems. I really hope he isn't that evil." He has always chosen to walk away rather than communicate anything.

January 26, 2005 "He told me that in the 10th grade he had a girlfriend that cheated on him...he became bitter and began using girls for sex...he was with eight girls before me." He is over it now and says that he was young then and doesn't feel that way anymore, we both know that but I wonder sometimes if that mentality is still subconsciously in him. He had forgotten all of the past but is he still that way? We had gotten back together that week. "he said that it's not me" that he just needed time to think.

How silly I was then. February 23, 2005 I had gotten him an Samurai sword set for out three years' anniversary but he hadn't gotten me anything. I remember that I wasn't even upset about the no gift part but about the fact that he sat around all weekend watching the All Star game.

We were always taking time off and getting back together. June 1st, 2005, he said "do you know how hard it is to break up with someone that you want to spend your whole life with?" We always took time apart to think. It sounds stupid now because we have never really known how to think together, to figure things out as one. We needed communication. Sometime after that we took another break but were still talking, still "friends."

June 14, "He said that the reason he hasn't put fourth much of an effort is because he's not sure if he want to work it out" He was always taking the easy route in the relationship, always choosing to ignore the small things and letting it grow. At the same time he always says that he never wants to lose me,he said, "[in a few] years or so you will be stunningly beautiful and accomplished and I'm afraid that I won't be able to get you back...He said that the thought of me being with another man makes him sick."

We were "friends," less pressure but we were still doing everything that a couple would. Still going out, hanging out, and he always tells me that he missed me.

"Sometime around July 4th I was at the laundromat...he was suppose to be at work." I remember him saying that he hated that job. He was miserable and "was still hurting from the break up [in June]. He called me up around 1 p.m. asking me where I was and what I was doing and the next thing I knew his car drove up next to mine in the parking lot. I didn't notice him until he walked over and tap on the passenger side window...he looked horrible, like he hadn't slept in days and unshaven. He tried to talk but was so emotional, crying and choking on his words. He told me how miserable he's been over the last month and about how much he feels that he's making a mistake...he tried to touch my hand once but I denied it. I tried to keep my head up and stay strong. I kept telling him that I couldn't." he kept pleading for me to take him back but how could I just do that when he keeps breaking up with me and always asking for time, time to think and figure things out. It's frustrating. "He left, walked to his car and sat there for 10 minutes while I sat in mine, shocked and cold, no emotion, no tears. He then came back but this time came over to the [driver] side, he opened the door crying and bend down, almost kneeling, he grab my hand, he ask me to give him another chance. I told him no and that he should move on because I wasn't ready and that I needed time to do my own thing, to find myself and to be without him." He texted me later that night. He said, "Marry me. I want you to be the first woman I ever ask to marry me." I knew that it wasn't a question but an exclamation that he loved me. A month later I went over to his house after work to get my digital camera that he had borrowed. It was then that we spoke on a better head. "He ask me again and I said yes. Now we are back together. He's changed so much, a total 180...and he is continuing to prove himself to me, to prove that he truly needs me and that he's sure of it."

He always did know how to surprise me, On my 23rd birthday I had been upset thinking that he had forgotten. I went to see him after work. We were laying in bed and he ask me to get batteries for the remote int he drawer and in the drawer instead was a gift bag, my birthday gift! He had gotten me a 14 carat diamond ring. He called it "a promise ring."

November 21st, 2005. CK had been having stomach issues. He was upset that I didn't call as often as he'd like. That was sweet, that he wanted me to call him often. I always felt the same way. Sweet.

Every time that we couldn't, specifically lack to, communicate he would always say that "we weren't compatible" and he always said that he "didn't want to work it out" he says these things every time we're in a jumble but then at the same time he always says he "is afraid of losing" me when he was "suppose to love" me. This time was different, on December 1st, 2005 I asked him for time. This was the first time that he accused me of "bailing out" because he had tried to talk to me. After four years he was still hard as a rock, I wasn't able to get through to him and it was frustrating. Every time there was an issue he would use the excuse of incompatibility to ignore it. "Other than the fact that we can't seem to communicate, we are perfect."

December 6, 2005 "CK called...just to talk...he agreed to give me the time that I needed. This break...will help built me into the person that I was suppose to be. He says he's scared of losing me but this is the only chance for us to grow individually."

January 13, 2006 "I broke up with CK last week, told him that I wasn't in love with him, he cried and hugged onto me and begged me not to leave him alone like this, said that he needed me. I was so hurt. I still loved him but I just couldn't stay" Looking back I never thought that I would be able to do that. CK had kept making excuses each time things weren't right, instead of communicating with me, he would ignore it as if it would go away. We couldn't get stronger or grow as a couple because he refuse to mature in the topic. My frustration had made me start to fall out of love with him, the same way he told me that he fell out of love with me years back over shallow reasons. "I want to fall for him all over again because he is the man I want to end up with, married to and have a family with."

January 22, 2006 "I haven't spoken to CK much since the break up...last night I locked my keys in my car [at the laundromat and I walked home to see if there was a spare key, nope] I had no choice but to call CK [because he had AAA] CK came to pick me up at my house. When we got to the laundromat the car was already fixed. I sat in his car and I just stared at him. I didn't know what to say. I asked if I could at least kiss his cheek, he put his face fourth for me to do so, [I kissed him] and got out of his car. When I started my engine I noticed that he parked his car next to mine and signaled me to come out...I walked over and he came out and hugged me. I knew he began to cry because his body shook. I told him not to do this so he turned...went into his car and drove off. What could I have done differently," I had so much stress with school, work and my family. He was just immature and always looking for an easy way out. He always use to say that if it was meant to be then we'll be together again. I was just tired of him asking for time every few months, time to figure things out rather than talk to me about it. That's what a relationship is suppose to be like, communication.

A month later we were back together. He was wonderful. He had surprised me by driving down from NJIT and waited outside my dorm at Rutgers with a teddy and an orchid plant. He knows I love orchids! He had called me as I was walking toward the dorm, telling me that he was just driving around NJIT looking for food and then there he was, in front of me and not at NJIT.

We never needed any more breaks after that. I didn't think that we needed to. Everything had been great until we moved to upstate NY. We had both been at fault but CK still looks for the easiest way out. He finds excuses every time we can't figure something out. The same excuses and the same lack of communication. Lack of communication. He still makes excuses about us not being compatible or having nothing in common and each time he breaks up he tells me that he "just didn't want it to work." It seem that he hasn't change his relationship aspect of him at all. Everything has changed but his view of us and relationship is still as it was nine years ago. I gave him chances and we always came back together and it was always better each time. We were younger then but I deserve a chance now. We deserve another chance. I want us to fall in love all over again. I refuse to live without the man I love and I want to be the woman he never want to lose. This isn't living. I am simply breathing.

I read a few existing entries from two years ago and I see what a crazy person I was. I let things get to me. I was always upset about not being able to find a job that I let it get to me. It ruined our days. I want to take it all back. I know that I had a lot to do with us not communicating. I was a bitch most of the time. I was emotional and always on him about everything. I have lost him and realizing what went wrong kills me. To know what I could have done better. I didn't know better then. I didn't think that we would ever break up like this. I want to it all back. I want to be better. I accept all of my faults and I see now what I did wrong. It wasn't all CK's fault, most was because of me, because of my emotional roller coasters. I want it all back. We were great together. I refuse to be without him knowing all that I did wrong. Knowing what a bitch I was. I want the old CK back. He was great, he was great before I mopped around him affecting his mood all the time. I desperately want us back. Nothing matters anymore. He always said that "we were working toward something" a future and I always nag, I was never content with just "something" but I want that "something" with him. We had a wonderful something.

I just want it all back so that I can do it better. Not because I have to prove that I can but because I can. I had just allowed everything to get to me. I accept that I was wrong, I accept that I was a bitch. I just wanted another chance to show him how great he was and that I didn't do enough. It's fair for him to say that I "stop living" because in many ways I did. I desperately want us back. I see what I've lost. I see now how much I wanted it. I see that I had forgotten how much it mattered to me. I see that I was so busy being upset over every little thing to enjoy the little things with him. I want it all back. I just want my life back so that I can do better because I know that I am better.

I just want my life back God. Is that too much to ask for? I just want it back. I want us back. We will do better because we have faults to remind us of what we did wrong. We know now what happen. I just want another chance. We had always given one another chances in the past and I just need one more. I can't stop loving him and knowing that my bad attitude and silly stress over things that shouldn't matter, to ultimately be the cause of our unhappiness, this kills me inside. I can't live unless I make it right. It kills me to know that I didn't do better when I have always known how to. I refuse to breath without my life back. I don't want to be like this. I refuse to just give up the best thing to happen to me. What's life without it. I have so much to offer the relationship, I do, I still do. I just allowed the shitty situations to get the best of me a ruin the best thing in my life. I want CK back. I don't care about anything else unless I can fix what I cause to fall apart. I can't be like this. It's too much. We could have done anything if we communicated again. We never had it bad. I just want it all back. To make it better because I see now. He was unhappy in the relationship because my attitude ultimately created that environment in out relationship. My attitude affect the general feel of the relationship as a whole. I just need a chance to make it right. He deserves my love and I deserve his. I refuse to give myself to anyone else, simple as that.

It's even more harder for me to not think of him because I live in his parent's house, in our old room that we once shared. I think of him all the time. The guilt in me kills me, knowing that I did do him wrong, the way that I acted, my bad attitude. I was a horribly bitchy and moody girlfriend that was always upset about something and everything. I see myself now that I've had the time to look back. I read my recent diaries and how stupid my little complains were. I had so much time on my hand that I would over-exaggerate every little thing. It was literally every little thing. I hate that because I was always the fun loving optimistic girl that he loved.

How do you stop loving someone? I love him just as much as ever, even more now and it's killing me that I was that bad apple that eventually caused the relationship as a whole to suffer. I understood when he said that I needed to start doing things on my own and stop depending on him. I have always been independent. I use to do everything on my own so I know that he is wrong about that. I use to work, go to school and took care of all of my responsibilities in life. I was independent on anyone. I have always done things for myself. I understand that it's important and I am willing to do both that and us, but I am not willing to do it at the cost of losing him. I can't accept that our relationship had to end for me to do that. I want to do that more than even now that I see that I was the bad apple. I want it both.

I want to MAKE our relationship and not just the one riding along side. I desperately want both because I can do it. I want to make him happy with me and about me. He has always made me proud and I need for him to see that he was wrong about me. He doesn't trust that I can do all of it but I know that I can now. I just need that chance. I know what I did wrong in the past. Our happiness, my happiness, his happiness, depends on me growing out of the silly emotional me. I want to make us what we both wanted it to be. I ruined it because I let things get to me. I want to make it right.I just needed that chance. He can't possible be that cold. I don't care about proving myself. I just want to do it because it's important to me, because I can do it. It always has been important to me, that's why I was stressed about it before, because I felt that I was starting to fail. I just allowed it to get to me rather than making the best of the 'meantime.' I just want to make it right. I need it. I have never wanted anything more in my life. I've lost us and I need us back. I have so much to offer us and I know that I can do it because I have the old me to prove wrong. My heart hurts and I am tired of crying. This feels so wrong and I feel like I can't breath, I can't live with myself unless I make us right.

I love him. I always will. But, no matter what I will still go to bed alone and wake up without seeing his face. The most important face to see before life started for the day. Despite what has happen I love him. I never had a chance to feel otherwise. I never love any less in that one year. It was both of our faults so I can't just erase what we were and all we had just like that. Men are able to forget but I can't. I will always be in love with him.

At the end of the day I am still without him and he is still the cold person he always was. I never mattered to him and I accept that. I got screwed and I was used but I am what I am. My heart is in a million pieces but I still have a heart. I just pray that he will grow a heart too one day.

Too close minded

He said that we were friends. Best of friends and that's why we couldn't be together? That's what makes a relationship, when you're with your best friend. I hear people say "you're my best friend and I want to be with you... etc." but in CK's case that was his excuse. If he couldn't be with me because we were great friends then he prefers us being enemies.

I texted him last night. Told him that i wanted him to rent me a car for next week. I would go up with him on Sunday and help out with the final staged of moving. I needed that. I was always suppose to be a part of that. We were suppose to move together. I needed that.

He called a few minutes later telling me that it was a bad idea to bring me up with him on Sunday. "I know you're going to flip out on me" he said. I told him that he thought so little of me.

I tried pleading with him again, that I can't accept that we are over. Like any man he said that I was just worried about me. Of course I have to be worried about me but most of all I was worried about what was happening to us.

I dug into him for answers. I ask him about his quitting a year ago, if he had quited on us then why also hope that it would get better. It can't if you have already made up your mind. I told him that because he had sabotaged the relationship he wasn't going to see the changes that were happening before his eyes. He didn't see me losing weight, he didn't see that I was cheery, jumping on him all the time. He can't see what he purposely blocked out.

He said "no, not right now...maybe in a few years...you need to figure out who you are...etc" How does being in a relationship stop anyone from that?

I kept asking why he was so mean to me. When did he start hating me.

I told him that he should have just let me leave a year ago, all of me threatening to leave that he should have just let me. He said that he felt sorry for me. T hear how little he thinks of me. I was a piece of pity.

I ask "If you said that you quit a year ago then you were using me for an entire year. We were still intimate, so you were using me for that"

"...you didn't like it" he asked

"Of course I like it. I was in love. I was intimated with the person that I loved"

Just because a person loved him he felt that he had the right to use them. Such a man thing to do.

I told him that up until two weeks ago we were still in a relationship right?"

He said "not really"

Of course not, because he quit a years ago, but then I challenge what he said about also hoping that it would get better, and it had. Things had gotten better but he refuse to see it. "So two weeks ago we still had a change right?" I asked

"Maybe" he said

"OK so the I just want you to know that you were wrong, it had gotten better. I had become cheery. I had lost weight. You didn't see that I lost 15 pounds and bought a new dress for you?

"yea yea" he said but how long would that have lasted?"

"For a s long as possible" I said "because I wanted to improve us. I would do anything to make us better but how could I when you had already quit on us.

He said that he wanted us to fail.

I told him that he should have let me leave a year ago. I told him that he has no idea of a woman's worth. How could he treat me like trash. I would have felt so much better about myself, I would I had my dignity if I had been the one to walk out of a relationship instead of being thrown out of one.

"You're just mad cus you didn't get to do it" He said coldly

"No" I said "That's not it but you could have at least allowed me to leave than to throw me out like this. He just doesn't get it. He just doesn't care.

No moral, no love, no concern for anyone at all. he used me for an entire year when I was still in love with him. I told him that we didn't have it bad at all, by any measure but that he let "one year" throw it all away.

"But it was one year" he kept repeating but it was all that it was. We can't change what happen in that one year. We need a chance now that we have talked.

I kept pleading with him but there was no use. He has always been hard like that. Once he has made up his mind he sticks to it, even if it's a bad decision. He just makes it and go with it. No hesitation. never have.

I am not just worried about me. That's already by default. We all worry about ourselves but I want us to work on it.

I told him that we never communicated anything that we wanted out of the big picture. He kept insisting that if two people wanted the same thing then they would just do it. "No one can read minds" I said. We are two different people. We want the same things but because we are different we will evidently go about it differently. If we don't communicate it then we're just being taking different routes to the same place. he doesn't understand that. "That would be trying to change you" he said. How does that make sense. How is that changing someone if you communicate the big picture, I wanted the same things so if there had been communication the we would have parallel the entire time and come to an intersection.

We are two different people that wanted the same thing. He didn't see that. You have to communicate in order to do it together. He didn't get that. He threw everything away because he is closed minded. Why can't he understand that. Communication the big picture isn't trying to change anyone, it communication. You can agree to disagree but you communicate the big picture. How does he make sense of what he says in his own head? The things he says are just unrealistic. How do you have a relationship without communication? You have to communicate what you want from one another, and then we each would have, in our own ways, with our own qualities done those things to benefited ourselves and make the relationship. Couples have their own life outside of the home but it ultimately works into the relationship. Everything that they do, their careers, friends and social life, their individualities benefits the relationship when there is an understand of what the big picture it. They are both doing everything their way but it is for the relationship. That's how it should be. Why doesn't he see that? Why didn't he want that?

We are two different people. We want the same thing from one another but we never communicated. He refused to. He went about it all wrong. He just expected me to know what he was thinking. Why was it all a guessing game, why couldn't we just communicated, talk, about everything all the time. Why does he have to play games? We never came to an agreement as a couple. It's not changing a person but it knowing how we are going to make us work and what it takes. If we couldn't agree on something and it was a 'make or break' then we would have known. Decisions could have been made from that. We never communicated so how do we know that we don't have more in common that the obvious? The worst couples in the word has more in common, not because they just do but because they we open enough to find out what it is. Why is he so closed off? So unwilling to see it? Why is he suddenly so cold?

He thinks so little of me. I think that just because he was the one working that he had the right to be that way. I had no say. He threw away everything that we had. We didn't even have it bad. We were great when we were getting along. We hit a patch and he just gave up. It's hard for me to accept that a small amount of bad time could break our entire relationship, as if it didn't matter. It's hard to accept that. That it wasn't good enough, wasn't important enough for him to see it's worth. He cared so little about it that an excuse of one year tore it all down.

I can't accept that. To accept mean that I have to accept myself as a failure.